5 things to do when your marriage is in trouble

5 things to do when your marriage is in trouble November 27, 2013

Last week I was sitting down with some friends who are in the midst of a marriage crisis. One spouse had just confessed to the other a past affair with a mutual friend of theirs. I was meeting with them to counsel and encourage them both just days after this bombshell had been dropped and while the emotions were very raw, and trust was fractured, this couple was already taking healthy steps to chart a new course for their marriage.

I truly believe my friends will end up with a stronger marriage than they’ve ever had before instead of becoming another divorce statistic. That conversation with them got me thinking about the importance of the decision that couples make in times of turmoil. I’m convinced that no matter how damaged the relationship may be for you right now, if you’ll commit to the following actions, your marriage can make it!

1. Confess everything.

You’ll only get through this tough season if you move forward with complete and total honesty and transparency. Be willing to humbly admit fault and seek forgiveness for every past and present breach of trust. Hold nothing back.

2. Recognize the difference between Forgiveness and Trust. 

Forgiveness and trust are two different things. If your spouse has broken your trust or you have broken theirs, forgiveness should be given instantly because grace can’t be earned, but trust has to be earned and it can only be earned slowly through consistency of action. Fight the urge to punish each other. For more on this, please watch our free video resource How to build intimacy and trust in marriage.

3. Be VERY careful where you get advice.

When your marriage is in crisis, everyone is going to have opinions about what you should do next. Choose up front to only listen to people who love you, love your spouse and love God. If they’re missing any part of that list, their advice will not be balanced with wisdom.

4. Get help.

When our car is broken, we don’t have a problem taking it to a mechanic and when our arm is broken, we don’t have a problem going to a doctor, but for some reason, when our marriage is broken, we think we need to figure it out on our own. There are great resources out there, so take advantage of them!  Making those investments into your marriage will pay off huge dividends. A great place to start is SaveMyMarriage.com.

5. Don’t give up!

The road ahead won’t be easy, but your marriage is worth fighting for! Take it one day at a time, lean on each other, and trust God to take care of the rest.

For more encouragement and inspiration to help build a rock-solid relationship, check out our bestselling book: iVow: Secrets to a Stronger Marriage which is now also available on iTunes as an ebook download on iPhones, iPads and all Apple devices and a newly released iTunes audiobook.

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  • Brooke

    My husband has already filed for divorce. There’s so much under the bridge I don’t feel I could go back and things be healthy. For me it all started when he continued to allowed outside sources to over step their boundaries no matter how much I told him it bothered me. I never wanted or want a divorce but counseling was only something he could handle temporarily.

  • Jay

    What about others stories that when a spouse confesses its over then and there. I have a friend who went through this and his thoughts were its over he was wrong and he moves on. I ask was he going to confess he said he might feel better , but his wife would be worse off ; especially since he had changed and was back 100% committed to marriage. His thoughts were how could he feel better by crushing her. I had no answer for that, I sort of see both sides .. Any insight would be helpful.

  • We’ve been doing four out of five of these things…except the fact that we havent gotten any help from anywhere, we’ve just been praying and working it out on our own. We’re doing a lot better, but I know there are some kinks that still need to be worked out with my husband. We’re in the process of finding a church home and getting some spiritual counseling. But I can say things are waaaaaayyyyyy better than they were a month ago.

  • Ashley

    Hang in there!!! I found something my husband had been hiding and we got everything out then and there. I was so hurt and the trust took a little while to come back but God kept telling me hand in there, everything will be ok. things are better them I could have imagined almost a year later. we did all these things but counseling. even though sometimes I still want it just because those thoughts never go away. but I just want to say it can be fixed if hurt sides give 110% commitment

  • Sarah

    I’d say so long as he’s for sure 100% recommitted to his wife/marriage that telling her past stuff would only hurt her & make him feel worse. And it wouldn’t be able to undo what’s already been done. I think from here on out the cross is his to bear. But he for sure needs to confess to God & ask for forgiveness & guidance for what he should do. After all, He’s really the one we ultimately sin against anyway. I wish him the best.

  • If you would like more advice on how to deal with an affair please visit our website at http://www.hopeandhealing.us

    Founded by a couple whose marriage not only survived but has become a ministry to thousands of couples across the US and even around the world, we would be honored to help you on your path to a fully restored marriage.

  • Mel

    What can you do if your husband goes out drinking every night and comes home at 7am. He never answers your calls or tells you where he is. But he swears he’s not cheating?

  • My husband and I are going through some Ashley issues right now:(( I found out last Saturday at my kids birthday parties!!! At that point my husband only told a small portion of what was going on. Then I find out Thursday night there is a lot more to the story that what I was

    originally told!! I would rather know everything up front then find something else out later down the road. I am extremely heart broken and angry at the same time. But in order to move past this and work on our marriage he has to be completely honest!! Neither of us want our marriage to end and even though I have all these emotions, we have sought counseling with our pastor. With the help and guidance of our pastor and his wife, and most importantly with the help of the Lord we will make it through this valley!!!

  • Kyle

    I have confessed everything to my wife and we are starting to build back up. I am several miles away from home and wont be home for another three and a half months and I want to start earning trust little by little. I have given email password facebook password I always keep my phone on me and give a detailed list of what I am doing for the day I even offer to keep video chat up while I sleep. I was wondering if there are any other ways to make myself more transparent I love my wife and I want to make her as comfortable as I can with all of this distance between us.

  • b

    A week before christmas my husband told me he wanted to.separate./ divorce. He doesnt. Know what he wants. I’m sure he’s not having an affair. But he won’t touch me talk to me kiss me or even say he loves me anymore. But we have been intimate several time since then. He said he can do it on his own. I’ve Been a stay at home mom for 2 years. I dont believe in divorce, I don’t want to be another statistic..he doesn’t want counseling or to work it out. he says to much has happened in the past. I’ve never cheated and neither has he. We have just said things out of anger but I’m the only one at fault. I want to follow these steps but he doesn’t. I love him and want this to work. We have three children. His,mine and ours.

  • Timoteo

    Hola Dios les vendiga mi matrimonio esta a punto del divorcio nose que acer yo tuve la culpa pero ya le pedi perdon y me humille delante de ella y ya no se que acer

  • When my husband finally after many years told me the truth about EVERYTHING we got closer. Praise God! We have honesty, transparency, God FIRST, and also VERY important: all of each other’s passwords to everything.

    This does NOT mean everything is great all the time.

    One time God revealed something to me about why we argued so much. It didn’t make sense to me since I’ve been in long term relationships and they were NEVER this hard before. And I know 100% that God brought us together. It was awful how we’d argue.

    If it’s okay to share here, it’s called “We’re Married. Friends or Enemies?” http://itisallaboutfaithblog.wordpress.com/2013/12/12/why-did-you-throw-that-at-me/

    Your writing here is something every couple needs to see before and after the wedding and again during marriage! VERY great advice here. Praise God for your ministry!

  • whoisshay

    If he keeps denying it and you really think something is going on then follow him and see for yourself. I know it is not the most honest thing to do but it would ease your mind and you would know the truth. Then confront him with it, he can’t deny it anymore and ya’ll can start working towards repairing the damage.

  • nick norton

    My now ex wife Brooke wouldn’t get help for our marriage even though I did and didn’t wanna be that guy anymore. Now all we do is fight about our son she is still so hurt she punishes me by keeping him from me. Divorce is a lose/lose for everyone!

  • I read about 100% honesty and shared a temptation I had with another women. No action mind you, but temptation. That is the one thing she will not forgive me for. I agree with you on the honesty but it did not go well in this case. Also she is very secretive so maybe using my this to justify her own actions. Thank you for these postings. They have helped me alot.

  • One more Dave. Any advice or books on what to do if your wife does not really want to work on your marriage and lives with you and keeps walls up?

  • Tracy

    I agree with the Dave… See, I’m the wife. My husband refuses to confess, and only apologizes for what I have caught him red handed doing, despite me knowing a lot more than what I’ve confronted him with. I know he thinks he is saving me the hurt. But the hurt of not knowing all the facts, and deception, and the never being able to truly forgive what I don’t know is tearing me apart, and not letting me move past this. There is no trust. I’ve begged, I’ve offered absolution for anything he confesses, but his stance of “the past is the past” won’t let my heart move past this. Instead of giving me a day of pain with a clear objective (the acts) to overcome, he’s drawn it out into a daily hell of wondering, doubt, and mistrust of him that has become our marriage. Believe me, your friend is a coward spinning excuses to not be held accountable for his actions. His wife deserves to know the truth, to tell him how much he hurt her, and to have that honesty in her life to rebuild their marriage.

  • Kim

    Stand firm b. This was us a year ago. God has been so gracious and we are together again. Our marriage is better than ever. This October we will celebrate our 20th anniversary. A huge factor was me realizing how much my disrespect toward my husband eroded our marriage. I had to be broken into a thousand pieces in order for the Lord to remake me. Painful but so worth it.

  • Mark

    My wife left me 8 months ago she told me on her birthday she wanted a divorce. So I filed, regret yes but there is no Communication she will only talk if I call her. She will never call me unless she wants something from house. I’m so lost I had an oral encounter with someone I never new. I told her about it she has been gone sense.

  • Yolanda

    Great article.

  • Steve

    Why stay legally tied to someone who makes you miserable? Life is too short. Fighting for your marriage, counseling, confessing, this all sounds like a beating. Too much drama.

    If you two don’t work, cut your losses and move on. Do what’s right for you, take care of you.

  • Ron

    I’m that guy. I drifted from my wife. Started having drinks w friends then old girlfriend. Then I met an old high school friend. Before I knew it I was al over the place w these girls. My wife discovered this n become completely unglued. We have had many fights about this topic. Trust is broke both ways. I try to move forward, told her pretty much everthing, and we are just stuck in the cycle of distruction..idk anymore..

  • 040314

    I caught my husband in a huge lie… Turns out he was trying to pay a coworker to have sex with him he stopped everything once I found out but he apologized to HER for the way “I” acted… I know that if I hadn’t found out he would’ve continued with his petty begging for who knows how long & I wouldn’t ever know anything about it. The worst part is not knowing exactly how the conversation went & what was said. I just need to understand… It’s been 4 months & I’m trying to cope but I’m still dying inside. Advice? Anything.. Please help

  • miko

    I am marrried for 7 yrs and we never once quarrelled… we are in very good terms with each other. Yet, months back, I realise that my husband is having an affair with a colleague and he had been lying that he drinks with his male colleagues till late night and once till daylight, when actually he had all the while been with the other woman. I confronted him and he confessed. He swear that he loved me and we are currently trying hard to move on and I am trying to rebuild the trust once again. We communicated more now, and he showered me with more attention and love, but the hurt never goes away and I had been diagnosed that i am having depression due to this.

  • mj

    Kim – that is exactly the situation I am in right now. Our issue surfaced about 4 weeks ago and I am still struggling how I can cope with this pain. My husband of 14 years says he is done with me. I did not see it coming at all. How did you fix your marriage? Are there any advice for me? I feel I am torn in pieces and stuck in a black hole.

  • Kris

    I’m the wife in a failing marriage. We married young because I was pregnant I felt I couldn’t bring a child into this world and not be married. I wasn’t in love. It’s 3.5 years later and I’m still not in love. My husband is the most amazing man in the world but I can’t love him the way he deserves. I’m not in love with him. It kills me to imagine life without him, but I can’t live this way and we can’t raise our son thinking this is the way women show love(zero). While we were dating we fooled around at a party while he was drunk, a party I dropped him off at, also picked him up from. I wanted to leave him when he told me about it 10 months later. But he was unstable and suicidle I didn’t want to be responsible for him harming himself. That is probably why our marriage has never been what marriage should be. We’re that couple that everyone thinks will make it when in fact it’s miserable for us both. We’re amazing friends and do great with our son, just living like roommates basically. I need advice but when you want to be free from marriage knowing divorce is a sin its hard to just separate. But when you married for the wrong reasons and wasn’t in love does that still mean its wrong.

  • Ana

    The samething happened in my marriage my husband confessed everything to me after being married for 6 yrs and I had just had our first son. I felt completely torn, hurt, and just ashamed at what he had. We stayed together and are still working on our marriage and it happened a yeAr ago. I am sure it is hard for your wife as it is for me when I remember the incident, its hard to forget and although my husband is working an swearing he will never hurt me again in the back of my mind I still have my guard up and can not trust him 100%. I feel like my husband might think its ok to do again since I stayed and did not leave him your wife my feel the same

  • Rob

    I am going through this right now, I found Out 2 months Ago that my wife of 9 years, had multiple affairs over 2 & half years; while I was working my butt off building our business and future! she swear she never love them, and that it was only a part of the pornography addiction she had as well, that I did not know about! she was living in and playing out this fantasy world! She’s trying to take these steps currently 100%, but I’m only 50% because how do you do those things to somebody you love! And I really don’t know if I will ever look at her the same Or make love to her without thinking of these people having sex with her! this is truly the most painful experience I’ve ever had…. and most difficult. And I feel either road I go down staying married or divorcing I’m going to lose something! Why should I lose when I didn’t do anything wrong except be a supporting loving caring husband For so long! she was even painting this bad picture to people of me to justify her actions! she’s in counseling for her issues and we are in biblical marriage counseling and still I question it 🙁

  • meredith

    Me and my husband have been going through years off arguments and almost separation. I will admit we are both at fault. He was very pushy and made me feel like he good drop better. I never felt I was good enough and heard time again that he would change. We recently had a break down and realized we needed help and seemed counseling. We are doing better but he doesn’t know that I have cheated on him during our marriage. I seeked “love” I felt I wasnt getting. I feel compelled to admit my affairs, but fear he will not want to continue our marriage any longer. What do I do?

  • Chelle

    Don’t give up it’s hard and seems like never ending but fight for it cause through those walls she hears your fight she’s insecure and scared and no matter what you say now she needs to find it within herself just love her and try to reassure with your actions how attractive she is to you, that is important when you express temptation with another women. I know that feeling and building walls is a self defense mechanism she is afraid to show you the damage just words and want can do. Take time for the both of you when she comes around or you go out focus only on her state at her body in a desirable way flirt effortlessly and all the areas she’s insecure about OWN them by kissing hugging hell take pictures of her and rave about her beauty on fb/social media as little as these things seem they show a lot and will help her see your sorry for hurting her and that you are wanting only her and no one else.

  • Chelle

    Don honestly you sound like a person who’s to selfish to be in a marriage so hopefully you aren’t with that menatallity, marriage are for the strong, committed and selfless. If you feel a person isn’t worth your time you should never marry that person! You marry the person that is worth your life!

  • Jonathan

    I’d been clear of an affair for nearly two years (it was never consummated although there were a few physical aspects but it was every bit an affair just the same) when I leveled with my wife. I’m not sure I’d do it that way if I had it to do over again. It seems to me that the hurt I caused her was unnecessary and there doesn’t seem to be any certain strengths gained in our marriage because of my honesty…. maybe the healing isn’t complete yet (It’s been about 2 years or so since I broke the news to her)

  • Maria

    I’ve been with my husband for 21 years, married for 13 years. We’ve decided to get a divorce, he said he stop loving me and that he almost sure I never loved him. I don’t understand how he can say something he doesn’t know. He believe that the only reason I stayed with him was because of money. I never asked him for anything I would of been happy in a small home, I never asked for things most women do. I work, go to school, take care of our family, cook, clean, and sometime I’m so tired I can’t see straight. I’ve had some medical issues, one last year, I spent two days in the hospital, I was afraid to have the surgery because I knew he wouldn’t help me. My mom stay for two weeks and after she left he didn’t do a thing for me. I even cryed and asked him to help me that didn’t he realize I had surgery and needed help. He didn’t do anything. I starting noticing a change in him, I found pictures of girl in his brief case, and I noticed that he spent a lot more time outside the home. Then one day while we were out to dinner with the kids I found a card in his car, from some girl, I asked him what it was and he just went crazy. I was so hurt and realize that what I was feeling was true. He told me it was nothing but to me it was. I’m tired and I just can’t do this anymore, I can’t be in a loveless relationship. I will take the blame and move on. Maybe I should of been a better wife.

  • kim

    My husband has cheated on me so many times, before we were married, don’t know if he has physically since our marriage. We had two children, then got married. I looked at our relationship as a marriage before our marriage. I couldn’t give up. Its has been beyond hard to be intimate with him, which has caused him to want a divorce. Its so hard to trust and believe anything. I am against being a broken family, but he’s already apartment shopping and planning a life with out me. I am balling as I am typing this because it has just become real. What do you do when he’s done, but you’re not??

  • Skye

    Brooke, my sincere prayers are with you. My best advise is go to the Lord in prayer and have faith that we serve an amazing God who IS in the business of restoration. I have witnessed many marriages on the verge of divorce (papers already filed) that have been healed by God’s divine intervention. Seek counseling for yourself and surround yourself with Marriage supporting mentors and people who put God first in offering advise about the mending of your marriage. I don’t say this as if “you are the problem” I simply say this as advise for you to seek the solution. I firmly believe that when we saturate ourselves with the love and light of Christ we can’t help but radiate a light and a hope that others can’t help but want to experience for themselves. I fully recognize that in the midst of pain this is difficult… But we can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens us. Prayers being lifted now for your marriage to be restored and thanking God for the plans He already has in the works toward this restoration.

  • Well first of all, if you love her or him..and are willing to do the work, the confessing will help get past the struggle in our brains we have. If each one is 100% committed to making the marriage work then confession will be freeing.

  • J

    My husband won’t do any of these things. I try and try to talk to him and then give up for a couple months. Things aren’t getting better either. I feel ignored, unattractive, and alone.

  • michael

    My wife will not accept any kind of counselling. She says that divorcing me is God’s answer to her prayers. She is choosing things over me. She told me I will never be able to give her all that she wants and that she is taking her life into her own hands and making her own happiness. This can’t be over soon enough for her. I read lots of storied about couples turning things around, but it always seems that they both want to save the marriage. She says she doesn’t want any relationship right now. She does not know, however, that I know she has been seeing a man from our church for almost seven months. I forgave her long ago and do not want the divorce, but she says she has no feelings for me. How do I save a marriage with someone who doesn’t want to? All I can do is give it to God.

  • Rachel

    I’ve learned of nearly a lifetime together of infidelity that he confessed. Not just because he felt guilty, but because he thought if I knew, he would have a way out & I wouldn’t want to stay with him. But he stayed. It’s been over a year & i battle with this every moment of my life. I pray for strength & the power to forgive but it’s a daily struggle when he does nothing to show he’s sorry. I wish to God i didn’t know what I know. It consumes every waking moment. The betrayal, the rejection, the life & memories made all shattered in a moment. He’s like a stranger to me now. The person I thought he was seems gone. I pray for God to lead me & for His forgiveness for my fear & anger. But it’s so hard. It’s like it hurts to breathe sometimes. Maybe not knowing would have been better.

  • Deborah

    I just don’t understand my marriage. Any advice would be appreciated. When I met my husband, 11 years ago, he had gone through a divorce and has two children. I have one from a previous. I have battled with him first with drugs, then alcohol, next pills, and it has always been a battle. I worked up until 4 years ago when we agreed for me to finish my bachelors and then my master’s (in counseling). I pushed for him to go to school as well, because he wanted a better career. In the mean time, his drinking turned into mental and physical abuse. He finally quit drinking, but started sneaking around taking pills. I became more and more neglected and pushed to the side. On top of all that, I had to compete for affection and attention because his mother and ex wife got more respect than I did. If they hurt me or put me down, he wouldn’t defend me. Then porn became another addiction and I’ve been begging him to get counseling for his addictions. He swears he will get help every time we fight, but he never does! I’ve begged for marriage counseling, but now I’m fighting with him because he loves his job more than me (that’s how he makes me feel). He stays at work way after hours and he’s on salary pay. He also took this job, that had nothing to do with the college he went to and racked up 13,000 dollars of debt, without even talking to me about it. He says everything is my fault, yet days he loves me more than anything. He hides things from me all the time and wonders why I don’t trust him. I just don’t know what to do anymore! I want to let things go, but I took my vows seriously and I just don’t understand what I did so wrong? If I ask to use his phone for something, he gets super defensive, he even broke one phone and threw another. How can I save my marriage or is this marriage over and I have been blind for a long time? I pay all of the bills, grocery shop, internship, grad school classes, pay his child support, pick up my step kids, take everyone to doctor appointments, take care of the house, play video games with him, take care of my mother, took care of his mom, get him things he needs, yet I can’t even get a day to spend with him, unless it’s late at night and he wants sex, which I’ve fulfilled every fantasy he’s ever had, I’ve clipped his nails, run his bath, and cook all the meals! What have I done so wrong? He compliments me when he wants something, he rubs me when he wants sex, talks to his friends and family everyday, yet makes calling me a scheduled chore, and days he’s doing nothing wrong because he’s not cheating on me or running the roads getting drunk with his friends. He’s 42 years old! Why is this so hard to grasp for him? Please help!

  • anonymous

    I’m reading through these comments and it’s heartbreaking. I divorced my first husband not because he committed adultery, but because he couldn’t come clean with it. The trust was broken once the act was done, and most likely could have been repaired if he was completely honest. How can you offer forgiveness if the other person isn’t being totally honest? I doesn’t make sense. You want me to forgive you for continuing to lie to me? Completely unrealistic! This is my opinion based on my own experience. I tried for 4 more years after I found out more of the truth on my own. I finally had to let it go because the pain was too great, and I could never fully trust him. I commend people who are able to repair their marriage after infidelity.

  • Mk

    I’m flabbergasted at how many people go through this daily. My husband has cheated multiple times. It’s always my fault because I didn’t show him enough attention or meet his needs. I was torn down. I was disrespected and usually shown affection when he wanted affection. That didn’t work for me. I needed to be treated like a wife in order to treat him affectionately. In the past the affairs have been online affairs, with pictures, video, phone conversations, sexual things of that nature, with promises to meet. This time, it is someone I have met. Someone that has carried on conversations with me, looking me in the eye, knowing they were on the phone with my husband mere hours or minutes before that. They talk as soon as he gets out of bed. They talk all day long. He says he partly had this thing with her to see if I was still checking up on him from previous infidelities. He said they are really close, they have everything in common, etc…. I asked him to leave the night I found out. He immediately called her. I still didn’t know at the time that it was someone I knew. Yesterday he dropped my daughter off with her without my knowledge. I started piecing things together. I had the phone number from phone records and his phone but I didn’t have a name. I asked her aunt what her phone number was and that’s how I found out it was someone I knew. I left and went to the restaurant where I knew they were At and confronted them. They had my children there with them. I was so hurt. I raised my voice and told them what I thought. I told him that I couldn’t believe he would do this again after he cheated in May and promised it would never happen again. He looked at her and told her that he didn’t cheat in May. I have all the pictures and conversations from the one in May. And the ones before that. Why would he justify it to her when he swears there isn’t anything. We pretty much lost everything we had two years ago and decided to move and start over. Now we are in a new town and I have no family or anything. I feel alone, cheated, empty, useless, my life feels…

  • Karrie

    My husband is an alcoholic, in recovery now tho, almost 60 days sober. He cheated on me and then told me he wanted a divorce and went to live with the gf. That lasted less than 48 hours before he was asking to come home. He chose to stop drinking the night he asked to come back. I am glad about that since I had been praying for that for a while. We are both now in recovery programs at church, celebrate recovery and a 12 step group. We are doing better but I get upset because he hardly ever wants to have sex with me, he believes once a week should be enough, we’re in our 30 ‘s and 40’s and been married under 4 years. I feel hurt especially since he left me for sex with someone else, so apparently sex was important. I can’t get him to understand my point or even try to. I feel like he is using it to have some control over me, something he even said but then joked but I think it’s true. What can I do?

  • Leah

    Ive been with my husband for 9 years, 7 years of it he was on drugs. But when he was on his drug he was nice and did what ever I asked him to do. But I didn’t want him to use anymore. It took him going to jail for him to finally quit. But now we don’t get along. He is verbally abuse im am as well. I have to work and try to better myself by going to school and church. I also have to be the mom and all the responsibilities that go along with it. He wants nothing to do with church. I am giving up I need help

  • Lilly

    We have 20 years together and 16 years of marriage. He has about 1 year that he’s to himself and hardly even touches me. I have asked him over and over if he loves me and he don’t and me. Once I asked him to leave cause he was giving me the silent treatment and didn’t want to answer if he loved me. This was his answer that his heart was hard and cold, what does that mean ? I’m still with him cause I love him. I know this is not going to continue cause I feel unwanted and unloved.

    I have been praying for both of us but it seams that it’s getting worse because now he tells me he loves just so I stop bothering him.

    My heart is broken Please help !!!

  • Sara Schuster

    Kyle, I give you credit. When my now ex husband and I were going to counseling for his transgressions, one of the things he was told he needed to do was to be transparent. Bank statements, phone records, passwords, etc. Of course he never did, which ultimately led to our marital demise. But just remember that trust, once lost takes a LONG time to rebuild. Be patient with her if you truly want to make things work and give in to her requests for transparency for as long as necessary. Especially considering the distance between you, it might take a little longer. But she obviously cares about you if she didnt end it right away. Whats so sad to me is when one spouse wants to work on it and the other is done. Give it everything you’ve got. It will pay off in the end and all be worth it.

  • Sarah

    I’ve been married 7 years and have not had sex wih my husband since 2010. I am not in love with him and I’m pretty aure it cannot come back. I am not physically attracted to him as well. Can this come back? I am a chronic cheater as well and I feel like I want out. Any advice? I don’t want want counseling. I don’t wa ma read my bible. I dont wanna turn to God. I just wanna run away a and have nothing to do with anything. I’m a failure and can’t do this anymore. At all. I’m realsy to give up.

  • dave willis

    Sarah, there are much more complex issues going on here than I can address in a reply, but I’m praying for you. I’d encourage you to go through one of the courses offered by http://www.FamilyDynamics.net

  • dave willis

    Lilly, I’m so sorry for the heartbreak you’re feeling. There are no simple answers, but I know God is with you and He is for you and He can carry you through this. I’d also encourage you to consider doing one of the retreats offered by http://www.SaveMyMarriage.com

  • dave willis

    Deborah, I’m praying that your husband would come to his senses and realize that he isn’t fulfilling his responsibilities as a husband! Encourage him, as a first step, to go through anything (a book, a course, a retreat, a church group) that could help you two get on the same page.

  • Deborah

    Thank you for your encouragement. He is now saying he is calling around to make a counseling appointment for himself and for marriage counseling. Hopefully we can begin to work on our marriage as a team and make this work! I know he loves me, but he has become too use to me being the rock and him doing what he wants. Hopefully, he will follow through because I don’t want to lose my marriage or the last 11 years! Please, keep us in your prayers!

  • Steven Day

    All the issues that break down a relationship (not just in marriage, but ALL relationships) are always rooted in the same thing… The failure of one or both parties to yield to the other. That’s it. If wife asks for more affection, if the husband yields to her and gives her more affection, problem solved. If a man asks his wife for more sex and she yields to him, problem solved. When and man and woman are both doing this, always yielding, there is never enough soil for a problem to take root. Now we have the other problem of people not being honest about what they want/need, but again it right back to the same problem. If I am not honest with my partner, that means I am not yielding to them. It’s always always the same. Simply serve one another, pull down any walls, be totally honest and vulnerable, and this will solve every problem. But as soon as one starts thinking of themselves first… BOOM everything goes bad from there. The moral of the story is, if you are gonna be selfish, stay single.

  • Steven Day

    Just do what C.S. Lewis said, “There is no use in worrying about loving your neighbor, simply act like you do.”

  • Steven Day

    No matter what your partner asks for, simply give it. And this goes both ways. All problems resolved. You’re welcome.

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  • Jen

    So do you really advocate staying with your spouse even in the case of adultery? I don’t know the Bible well, but doesn’t it say that cheating is one instance in which divorce would be ok? I am currently very happily married, but if God forbid that ever happened, I don’t think I could even forgive OR forget.

  • Stacy Talkington

    Thank you Prophet victor for the Retrieval Love Spell you cast for me And I’d like to thank you for it. My ex and I have been back together for a month now. And it’s been even better than before. I think this time it’s forever. We’ve been talking of moving in together, and maybe getting married in the future. Things between us are great. I thank you for helping to bring him back to me. After our time apart, we’ve learned to appreciate each other more, and not take anything for granted. kidly reach him at ajamugashrine at gmail.com