7 signs you’re having an emotional affair

7 signs you’re having an emotional affair April 5, 2015


I recently received an email from a woman who was having an emotional affair.

The sad-but-familiar story began by describing a “friendship” she had developed with a man at work and it had progressed into something much more. The relationship hadn’t yet crossed into physical/sexual contact, but they were flirting with the idea and getting closer to those forbidden lines with each passing day.


She now found herself in a confusing web of mixed feelings, and she knew this new relationship now threatened to sabotage her marriage. She was frustrated to find herself in a position she never thought she’d be in. She’d been deceiving her husband and mentally planning out a new life with this other man.

She was asking herself, “How did I let it go this far?”

I shared with her my wife Ashley’s great post on “How to save your marriage after an affair” and recommended the couples’ retreats offered at SaveMyMarriage.com. 

Even though she never crossed the line sexually, her situation is messy and will undoubtedly cause pain, but healing is possible. Still, these situations are much easier to prevent than they are to heal after the fact. That’s why I often advise couples to be VERY careful about having close friends of the opposite sex, because most affairs start out as “friendships” that cross the line.

If you think that you (or your spouse) has let a friendship go to far, here are 7 simple ways  to tell if you’re having some level of an emotional affair. If you can see yourself in any of these, take immediate action to create healthy boundaries and restore healing and trust in your marriage.

7 signs you’re having an emotional affair:

1. You’re having conversations you wouldn’t want your spouse to see.

If you’re ever in a position where you think, “I’m glad my husband/wife isn’t seeing this,” then you’re already out of bounds and you’re playing with fire. A healthy marriage requires complete trust and transparency.

2. You’re dressing to impress a specific individual other than your spouse.

When we’re trying to be visually attractive for an individual other than our spouse, we’re opening a very dangerous door. Wanting to be professional and look your best is one thing, but wanting to look your best for one specific person is something else entirely.

Dave Willis never stop flirting with spouse quote

3. You try to create opportunities to be alone with someone other than your spouse.

If you’re going out of your way to “run into” someone so you can have one-on-one conversations, that’s a huge red flag. You need to put immediate distance between you and him/her.

4. You delete text messages or emails from someone, because you don’t want your spouse to see them.

If you’re ever hiding messages, texts or calls, then you’ve crossed an obvious line and you’re having an emotional affair.

Dave Willis marriage quote quotes secrecy secrets

5. You’re having consistent romantic and/or sexual fantasies about someone other than your spouse.

Affairs don’t start in the bedroom, they always start in the mind! If you allow your mind to play out fantasies, you’re giving a piece of your heart to the object of that fantasy and you’re opening the door for the fantasy to become a reality.

6. You’re constantly comparing your spouse to this other individual.

When you become emotionally involved with someone, the mental tendency is to see this new person as nearly flawless and, by comparison, your spouse’s flaws become much more obvious. If you’re more critical of your spouse while mentally comparing them to this other person, you’re falling into a toxic trap.

Dave Willis marriage quotes quote divorce adoption

7. You’re planning a new life together with this other person.

Once you start planning and romanticizing a new life with this other person, you’re in a very dangerous place. I urge you to rethink what you’re doing and confess to your spouse. Fight for your marriage!

For more ways to build a rock-solid marriage, connect with me on Facebook and check out my bestselling book iVow: Secrets to a Stronger Marriage” which is also now available on iTunes as an ebook download on iPhones, iPads and all Apple devices by clicking here.

Please share this post on social media using the links below, so we can help couples build stronger marriages.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • z–man

    Marriages should be “open”. Problem solved!

  • L.W. Dicker

    And then Jesus came upon his disciples and said, “Brethren, I’ve heard it said among you that I am the Son of God and was sent to die for your sins. May I asketh, who among you is the deranged lunatic that came up with that Neanderthal bullshit!!??

    Blood sacrifice!!?? Are you out of your goddamned minds with that disgusting Stone Age fuckery!!??

    Listen Brethren, as I tell you something of great importance;

    I would sooner lick the dingleberries off of Judas’ hairy ass crack than be a part of your dying for sins horse shit!!!!!!

    Blood sacrifice for sins!!!!!! Holy fucking Mother of God!!! What kind of idiotic caveman shit is that!!??

    Now Brethren, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Mary Magdalene’s for a little tea and punetang.”

    Jesus Christ, if Jesus had actually existed and had actually written something.

  • lol

    yeah, it’s like the old saying, “quitters always win.” oh, wait, I might have gotten that wrong.