Catholics say the darndest things — UPDATED

1) Whispered by a father in the pew behind me to his children who were being a little noisy: “When we get to the car I’m testing all of you on what the gospel was. And if you get it wrong you’re dead.”

2) Whispered by my daughter minutes before going up for her First Communion: “Dad, I think I’m gonna’ throw up.” (She did. Our parish priest later came to our home to offer her the Eucharist but she was still sick so we waited until the next week.)

3) Said by priest who noticed that two birds had flown into the Church and were dive bombing parishioners: “Oh, I know how to get the birds out of here. I’ll baptize them and then they’ll only come back twice a year on Christmas and Easter.”

4) Deacon in January 2009: “There’s been a lot of talk about ‘hope’ recently and I think we’ve all gotten excited and inspired about it.” (I thought about raising my hand and saying “Not me” but I didn’t.)

5) Jesuit priest from the altar right after Communion: “Are the dancers ready?” Uh-oh.

6) Little girl talking to her younger sister just after Communion in the pew in front of us: “Ha ha. I get Communion but you’re too little.” This was accompanied by a little celebratory dance.

7) My nine year old daughter to my eight year old while walking into Church: “You have to sing because my teacher said you get twice the credit for praying if you sing.” That night they asked me if we could sing our nighttime prayers. I said no.

8 ) Priest: “Oh the Book of Revelation is a bunch of hooey.”

9) An usher said to me and my wife while handing us the bulletin: “Whoa five kids. You really take this Catholic thing seriously, huh?”

10) Priest at the beginning of Mass: “If this is your first time here, we do things a little differently…Now give the person next to you a hug.”

11) During the homily a woman said to her husband: “This is a really boring bulletin.”

Do you have any of your own to add?  Bring ’em on.

One of my favorites was from a guy who was shocked, simply shocked, that there were little smatterings of Latin in our mass (sung, for example during the “Holy, Holy, Holy.”)   “Why do you do that?,” he snapped at me after.  “Don’t you know that’s divisive?”

Another time, I came out of the sacristy after mass and saw my wife waiting in the pew for me.  I went over and gave her a big bear hug and a kiss on the cheek.  A woman sitting a few rows away came running up the aisle.  “Do that at home, not in church!,” she hissed.  “Not appropriate.”  My jaw dropped.  “This is my wife,” I said.  “I love her!”  She shook her head.  “You do not do that in church,” she repeated.  Of course.  How foolish of me: the last place you would want to express love is in church.    (Reminds me of an old joke.  Woman to priest: “Father is it a sin to have sex with my husband before mass?”  “Only if you block the aisles,” he replied.)

UPDATED:  A reader sent this along, and it’s a classic.  If you’re looking for the ultimate traffic-stopping comment by a Catholic, you’d be hard-pressed to top this one.