Can My Baby Be The Bully?

It is every mother’s worst nightmare. Her precious child, raised with such hard work, sacrifice, and devotions, has again brought dishonor to the family. How can this be? How can the teacher claim that my son is the bully? Surely Tyler did not start it. Surely, he was just reacting in self defense. Your mind is reeling thinking of how he’s just a big kid whose feelings were trampled on over and over again. How can she blame him for standing up for himself? Wouldn’t you do the same? I’m not raisin’ no door mat! He’s a damn good kid from a good home, so you just go mess with someone else!

You start to feel your blood rising. Your cheeks flushed, your head spinning. Your body is tense all over as you try to get a grip on what you just heard. You wonder what your friends will think and you start to feel shame all over. You don’t know whether to get mad at your son, again, or at the teacher, again. Maybe it’s your spouse! If only he wouldn’t stay at the office so late, Tyler would not have such a short fuse! He’s just like his Dad. How can your husband leave such a hard task to you alone? And when he is home, all he does is huff and puff, and then forget to have a long discussion with Tyler. Yes, that is what my son needs—some bonding time with his dad. But as soon as the thought entered your head, you know it’s useless– his dad is so annoyed and will only get madder once he hears about Tyler getting into trouble at school again. You start to realize that your hands are in a tight fist. Then you remember the counselor saying, “Open up your fist and release your anger.” You just want to cry because you are so exhausted dealing with this.

You decide to cry later, just deal with Tyler now. He knows better than to do this to you. How can he call that girl “chunky?” Last week you had already lectured him about not using bad words when the teacher reported that he called another boy “retarded.” Instead of punishing him, you gave him another chance, because he seemed sincerely remorseful. This kid has such a hard head! He’s so stubborn! When will he ever learn that it’s not okay to retaliate, put down for put down? He just needs a good whoopin’! Then the voice in your head: It’s long overdue, this kid just needs something hard to straighten him up with once and for all!

So you give your 11 y.o. son that mean, motherly how could you? glare, only to see the resignation in his body. His shoulders hunched over, his head drooping down, he’s sobbing now. He’s just a little boy in that 120 pound body. Tyler, why?, you plead with him. Just tell me why you keep doing this? I won’t get mad if you tell me the truth. After another 20 minutes of hearing him explain his innocence, you hear the counselor’s words ringing in your ear. Tyler has low self esteem and low frustration tolerance. He’s needs a safe place to process his feelings and thoughts and still be affirmed. But you are busy defending yourself, Aren’t I going to bat for him every time? Didn’t he see me give that teacher a cold stare when she tried to make my son look rotten? Didn’t he hear me defend him to his angry dad? What about the time I yelled at that other bully for provoking Tyler? Surely he knows I love him and would do anything for him?

 The counselor had been talking about not getting stuck in defensive mode. Instead of fight, flight, or freeze, we can do better. I’m too frustrated to even remember! When is that good for nothing husband coming home? Maybe I’m good for nothing…Sobs.