Stronger Than Ever

I once met a woman who, through her trickling tears, defiantly declared, “I am stronger now than ever before… I’m learning to be strong for me and my children.” But the kind of strength she was referring to was not the kind spoken by St. Francis de Sales: Nothing is so strong as gentleness, nothing so gentle as real strength. No, the strength this woman exhibited was the type seeped deep with stubbornness, “woe is me” mentality, full of resentment, anger and bitterness. Indeed, she was digging her heels deeper in her tracks, with full force not of gentleness but of pride. If anyone got in her way or questioned her, by golly she was done with them, burning bridges and cutting off any ties whatsoever. She’s had it, once and for all!!

But is this truly strength? Are women really learning to be strong for ourselves when we are so focused on solely blaming others for our problems? Are we modeling strength for our children, inspiring them to become the best women/men that they were created to be? When we are on the outside, it’s easy to tell the difference between self-defeating bitterness and life-giving humility that gives us greater insight into our problems. And yet, for many of us, when we’ve had “enough” suffering, we are quick to beat our chest with the popular self idolizing, “I am woman, hear me roar!” All or nothing.

In many cases, this defiant attitude resulted not from domestic violence, physical, or sexual assault (in which case I say, yes, burn those bridges and get the heck out of there!), but from human relationships that are undoubtedly fraught with the broken mess of misunderstanding, short-sightedness, selfishness and unforgiveness. No one is immune from these un-glorious aspects of human nature, even if the person appears to be all meek and mild. No matter how much we weep and look like victims, the truth is that at one time or another, to one extent or another, we are all guilty of misunderstanding, short-sightedness, selfishness or unforgiveness in interpersonal relationships.  Just consider me–somehow, I appear all innocent and fool people all the time.

But, I do not fool myself. 

Instead of protecting ourselves with healthy boundaries, assertiveness, and accountability that comes from humbling introspection and consulting with others, so many of us take the easy way out. We run the opposite direction. We escape. We blame, cut, and double down on criticism of others. We demonize our once best friends as if they are the sole cause of all our pain. We think we’ve finally gained freedom by getting rid of these “evil” people or influences in our lives. We label them as “toxic” all the while drinking in our own poisonous attitudes. We forget or do not see our own self destructive ways. We justify our hurtful disrespect and even aggressive behaviors by focusing our anger on others and calling it “standing up for myself!”

Admittedly, we’ve all cried plenty in this life. At least I have. What kind of tears are you shedding in private? The kind that cleanses you and builds you up from the inside out to face life with more maturity, wisdom, and grace? Or the kind that hardens you at all cost? My heart broke for this woman, and I wanted to tell her that just as man is his own worst enemy, so is woman her own worst enemy. But she was not going to receive any constructive criticism now that she is “stronger than ever.”

Will you choose the strength of this world or the gentleness of mercy, forgiveness, and grace? We might fool them for the time being, but our children will know the difference.

photocredit: morguefile