heavy hearted

heavy hearted March 26, 2009

It’s with a heavy heart I blog tonight.  To ease your fears, I have not lost the baby.  I know us woman always tend to think the worst!  No, it’s actually just that I’m extremely overwhelmed.

I’m finding that whenever I’m trying to wear too many hats, I get really sad.  It’s like the thought of being really busy scares me so much that I fall into inactivity which only feeds the depression and adds to this sick viscious cycle.

Case in point: I’m wearing the mom hat, the preggo hat -which if nothing else just leaves me very tired and on most days nauseous.

I’m wearing the student hat and I have several hard papers and tests coming up that are ever on my mind.

I’m wearing the wife hat & that’s not nearly as demanding as the home-owner hat.  It seems like with both of us working full time -and usually messy people anyway- were finding it tough to keep our house clean enough in a way that produces peace for us to be ‘at home,’ in our home.

Were wearing the small group hat -which means a night away.  (I am super thankful for the time we’ve given to the Financial Peace University course, but it has given us an endless list of money to-do’s to get it all in order).

I’m wearing the travel hat, with a few trips gone by & a few trips coming up.  And I’m gone a night a week in Holland for a night class.

I’m wearing the blog hat -I am intentionally trying to grow my blog & hope at some point in will generate a small side income.

I’m wearing the “author” hat -though I haven’t worked on my book in at least a month.

I’m wearing the InterVarsity hat -I still have things to do for my job, even if it’s only 1-2 hours a week it’s still on my mind.

I’m wearing the fund-raising hat, which is ongoing when you work for a non-profit organization.

Am I even wearing the take-care-of-me hat?  Ya know the one that monitors if I’m sleeping enough or working out or spending time in prayer or having quality time with my hubby?  I’m supposed to be wearing that one, I’ll say that much.

The point is, all of this stuff is always on my mind.  And frankly my mind is getting tired & my weekly to-do lists too big for the one page I’ve been trying to fit it on.  And today I just sort of begged God to help me to do at least the minimal amount of things.  I’m slumping.

But, honestly, I’m mostly heavy hearted because of some bad news I received today.  The gist is that I need to add hours & hours to a hat: the fund-raising hat.  The consequences are dire, either losing my salary completely or being yanked out of this semester or both.  Either is scary and frustrating and hard.  $9k in 5 days, to cover our deficit.

If you believe in what InterVarsity Christian Fellowship is trying to do to transform the lives of students, and change the University for the best & develop people who will change the world… then hop on over to my “gifting the gabber” page & send in a gift.  I usually haven’t and don’t like to solicit gifts for our ministry through an impersonal means like a blog, but when you get to the end of your rope, desperation doesn’t really seem all the embarrassing or improper anymore.  I shutter to think of those who have it worse than us, yet have no one to ask for help!

If by this Monday, I write another loathing blog about how I my salary has been reduced to $0.00 I am hoping (really) hoping that I can blog about it with peace.  If not, what is the point of my following a God who tells me not to worry in such economic times as these?  I cried a little bit tonight.  I do feel that God will provide for us but it hurts my heart and perhaps my pride to think we’d be poor enough to qualify for like W.I.C. or food stamps or something.  However,  we’ve been smart & so we won’t have to go into credit card debt to survive or lose our home.  God has been good and will still be good to us.  But, this is a bitter pill my friends.  Pray for me.  I’d love to say we trusted in God, didn’t worry & obsess and made it through.

Anyway, I’ll leave you with the quote from a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend whose 4th baby is very ill and in her blog she reminded me to have a proper perspective on this whole issue of suffering and worry and failure…

-From 2 Corinthians 4:17 –

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

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