Youv’e read the 1st chapter, now the real story…

Thanks for all the feedback facebooker’s & blogging friends!  When I went to school yesterday I could tell who among my seminary friends had read the chapter by the way they looked at me.  They gave me real long silent & serious stares usually followed by something like, “I never knew.”  That always makes me happy.

Because so many people have said something similar to me…something like, “I always thought you like came from the suburbs with a real happy childhood, not one filled with abuse, dysfunction and abject poverty.”  And honestly, I do come off as very “normal,” but it’s a testament to what Jesus has done in my life.  I’m not supposed to be who I am.  Girls who went through the type of abuse I went through are all now crackheads, and prostitutes and single moms & cheaters.  There is nothing about my redemption that is “normal.”  It’s because of what I believe -with 100% certainty- happened on the anniversary of last Sunday a couple thousand years ago… Jesus -God’s son- resurrected himself from the dead.  I believe he still lives… and changes miserable soul’s like myself.  So, I love it when people don’t know the 1st half of my life was hell.  It’s only because of Jesus, ya’ll.  There is no other explanation for my healthy 9 yr. marriage and “normal” life. (Not to mention the fact that I didn’t turn into a child abuser myself)

Anyway, on to the real point of this blog… the real story about Rapheal.  He had called me the day after I left but I decided not call him back until a few weeks later when I was late.  I told him I may be pregnant.  He asked if I would keep it.  I said yes.  He said if I did he would take care of it… this was after quite a long pause and a big deep breath.  It was an awful moment.  A week later I called him to tell him he was free and clear… just a scare.  That was it for our big giant awkward relationship.

**If your extremely confused you need to read my last post.**

When I thought of writing a chapter about Rapheal it wasn’t just because he was the one man who helped me to decide I was worth more than pointless sex, it was because I found him to be a perfect gentlemen throughout the whole thing, right down to the phone call with his offer to take care of a baby he thought may be his.  I thought he should be shared in some way.  He was on my journey with me & honestly, he helped me.

But when I submitted the actual story to two different authors both of them suggested I leave that last bit out.  It’s not lying they say, it’s taking “liberties.”  They said it focuses too much on him and not on the powerful scenario that I happened to change my whole life around that night.  They said no one needs to know he offered to take care of a baby that never existed.  Besides, they say, it’s more powerful to end our story that night.

Now, the last thing I want to do is pull a James Frey up in this mug.  But I wonder if I start changing things around for the sake of the story will I lose my way?  I all ready need to change so many characters & identifying details as it is.  One author suggests I call the book fiction but 80% of it, is my actual story ~ she said memoirs hardly ever resolve in a way that pleases the reader.  It makes me wonder how many of the memoirs I’ve read have ended honestly.  Anyway, just a few thoughts.

So, I’ve been miserable for 4-5 days… a cold, restless leg syndrome, a sick kid, throwing up or gagging constantly, hunger, exhaustion… I mean, jeez, I’ve just felt so sorry for myself, you wouldn’t believe it.  I have real respect for those enduring chemotherapy and other illness’s that keep one sick on a daily basis.  Thankfully, I now have an anti-nausea medicine and here’s hoping to brighter days & more blogging. 🙂