So, I’m bald now. Eck.

Okay fine, I made a BIG mistake.

I read an article yesterday about why celebs change their hair color so often, & I’m pretty sure I do the same.  The jist: being able to control a tiny aspect of your life that is both risky, gives you a jolt of change & makes a statement.

I’ve been less risky with color because my hair is unbelievably unmoved by the whole of the hair coloring process.  It’s determined to be jet black.

The first time I ever lopped all my hair off I had been dumped by the boy I thought I was going to marry.  I was absolutely devastated.  While I’m thankful that didn’t work out, at the time -I was 19- and I couldn’t see any other way to express my grief.  It was either cut all my hair off or jump off a building.

The second time was back in December of 2005 when Dave & I lost our first baby to miscarriage.  I was pregnant and full of hope and just-like-that our little pumkin was gone.  It felt like an extreme occasion for an extreme behavior.

Now, well, I have just cut my hair & am basically 1 inch away from being bald.  Why? I’ve been up & down with depression.  No big crazy circumstance happening in my life except that my sweet hubby has been on a work trip for 9.5 days.  I miss him —so, I cut my hair off.  (Hope you like it honey)!

Only, now I, well, um, I sort of hate it.  I don’t feel like myself. I don’t look like myself.  I’m reluctant to say that I think I may have made a mistake.

Oops.

Well, it will grow back…

I was considering this morning how gross I feel.  I was thinking about how often I hide behind a cute hairstyle, a smoky eye or cute fashion statements.  Hiding behind fashion has been one of the easiest ways to “appear” confident, even when I feel like crap.

I was realizing how bare I feel when I don’t have those things to lean back on —something I’ve always had: cute hair, cute clothes & a rockin’ fashion sense.  Now, I feel sort of naked in the world like everyone is looking at me thinking: what kind of loser wears their hair like that?

It’s so easy in our society to be so focused on our outward appearance that we forget those things are not what brings us value or gives us value.

(As an aside I’m thinking of starting a new book on these issues & may make it into a Gabbing with Grace Book Club read.  If you’d be interested in that let me know!  The book is called: Unsqueezed: Springing Free from Skinny Jeans, Nose Jobs, Highlights and Stilettos

I DO REALIZE that I look like a perfectly adequate woman.  I’m not completely insane.  But, I’m seeing it’s more important to find my confidence from within.  From God, from who He tells me I am.  Not from anyone whose fickle judgements hold little to no real value any old ways.

I’m learning ya’ll!  I’m trying to live in that complicated tension of loving the artistic, fun creative, glorious beautiful side of hair slash fashion slash make-up with knowing none of those things make me a better person, better than anyone else or define me.

It’s a long journey for sure.  One I suspect I’ll be on until I die.  Until then, I’ll just be trying to love myself even with no hair. 🙂