Maybe He’s Never Been So Near

                                                                                                         {Lovely tree in our backyard}

Ladies and Gentlecars, I, Grace Biskie have completed session #3 of the 4 Bible studies I am writing for the Converge Bible Study series being published by Abingdon Press.  Why, you ask, is this such a big deal?  Sigh, sigh & shoulder shrug.  Because, people, for whatever reason, it’s been hard -and I mean CRAZY hard to finish these!  Not to go all crazymatic on y’all but I do believe there’s been a heavy dose of spiritual attack surrounding getting these studies done.  A little context, I’m behind on deadline.  Yeah.  Yet, I’m pushing through, knowing this is an important project to be a part of.

The other day I posted on Twitter that I’ve been having some major anxiety/panic attacks.  Last Friday, I had about 12 straight hours of feeling completely on edge even more than the usual heavy anxiety I’ve been riding for 3-4 weeks, which consequently aligns quite nicely with my not working in an official way at least.  You’d think I’d be feeling this way over money, but not so much.  It’s been the much, much bigger issues of life that all seem to be thrown up in the air in a wild free fall: identity, mothering, marriage& career uncertainty.  I’ve put it all on the table and I’m testing everything.  It’s been helpful for me to throw around many ideas including: should I even pursue a career in writing?  Is blogging helpful for me? for you?  What is it that I feel called to?  Am I feeling a tug back to full time Ministry?  Great questions play such a fantastic role in our lives, don’t they? Yet, they can also kick us in the behind when everything isn’t quite as clear as hoped.  Or, ya know, just feels crappy.

I’ve been reading so much more lately.  Ahhh…what sweet delight reading is.  I’ve been digging Devotional Classics and was challenged the other day by St. Teresa of Avila who asks that we pay attention to the burning bushes all around us.  I know I’ve been quite insulated and self-focused on and off for some time now.  The weight of all this upheaval and transitions is wearing my down and I know that I’ve been distracted by my personal gunk.  It feels really good to consider how I can make looking outward more a part of my day-to-day journey.

I’m leaning in people.  I’m trying to lean into all of this un-comfortability of having no real footing in life at at a time when I suspected I would.  Life is not like that.  Things and people get stripped away.  Did I forget that?  I must have.

A friend of mine -my age- had a stroke.  That hit me.  He’s good now.  But the vulnerability of life’s day-to-day actions washed over me anew.  When I spoke with another writerly friend the other day, both of us big-dreaming, driven, Mama Bear’s wanting so badly to finish and publish our books feel the nagging sense of failure threatening to rock our resolve to push these books out into the world.  And yet, both of us know even if that happens and our books are adored…it really doesn’t matter when juxtaposed against eternity.  So.  I am humbled.  I am humbled down to my toes.  I tried hard -very, very hard- to lose ONE POUND last week.  One single freaking pound and DIDN’T.  Seriously.  I can’t even lose ONE POUND.  I am humbled.  I am faced with the frailty of my leadership in addition to my stubborn body.  Eat that humble pie, G-Bisk.  Ain’t it grand?

Today, I’m giving you a bit more emotive drivel than I’m usually comfortable doing here on GwG.  I was trying to veer away from posts like this but…

One of the things I’ve considered in these last few weeks is that I need to take some pressure off myself.  One small, tangible way of doing that is just by posting something with no links, no agenda, no “message.”  And then it hit me: it’s Tuesday!  So, I’m linking up today with Heather of the EO’s regularly scheduled, Just Write. But even if it wasn’t Tuesday, I want to do this more often.  I need to be okay with relaxing about things.  I need to accept reality about what my blog is and isn’t.  And I’d like to get back to the time when I wrote a lot with very little expectation of perfection.  Didn’t even know those were the good ole’ days!

All this.  All this and yet I am solidly, willingly, abidingly, awesomely, happily loved and held by a loving Father.  Maybe, He’s never been so near.