Worst 31Day’er Ever.

It’s time for me to face facts: I SUCK at writing every day for #31Days.  Publicly, at least.  At the bare minimum, Ive produced words, ideas, prayers, grumbles, moans & drivel into journals almost every other day.  If not there, I type into Evernote when I know my fingers can’t keep up the speed to which my brain is churning out ideas.

A few nights ago, I wrote and wrote until I got to the bottom of why I felt entirely hopeless about a perceived rejection.  After a long while I realized whether I was being rejected or not, isn’t so much my concern as much as the complete & utter shitfest I’d thrown myself into over a minor infraction.  600 words later, I’d marinated enough to know I was mourning something different all together.  Writing did that.  Reflecting did that.  Like magic.  I kept going until I found out the solution. Voila!

I started using the Gratitude app on my iPhone to record 10 things I’m thankful for each day.  Gratitude is an amazing practice and I’d like to kick myself in the head for not remembering to make this an every day, every month, year after year, lifestyle choice. (I did try once back in 2010. That’s gotta count for something, eh?) Like most habits in my life, I’ve started and stopped in fits.

I picked it up again 4 days ago & it’s hard to believe the happiness boost it’s given.  I haven’t been HAPPY-HAPPY-JOY-JOY, but I have noticed an elevated mood & a greater feeling of peace.  On a scale, with zero representing TOTAL misery & ten representing complete happiness, I’ve been stuck on a super shitty three.  A small practice like this elevating me to a four or five is a big, fracking deal.

I’m glad I have the words for gratitude in a silly iPhone app, and I’m even more grateful I have the words to figure out life in journals and Evernote, but I’m sad I don’t have the words for here. I don’t have the fight. I don’t have the energy. I have the time, but not the drive.  This is maybe the 1st time in the 8 yrs. of my blogging life that I actually have the time. (Given that I’m not working on my book much either).

Blogging is such a weird entity. It’s not a job & it’s only a fun hobby when things are relatively stable.  I’ve never figured out how to do it well while I’m facing truly hard situations. I wish I could ya know?  I wish I could just sort of barrel through life’s lemons, cut ’em up, slice ’em, make some good old Lemonade, set the table, break out the ice & invite everyone over for an cold refreshing glass.  That’s not me.  I’m more likely to pitch the lemons, get under my covers, call a friend, cry & sleep it off….for months at a time.

One of these days, I’ll get back up to a steady six or even *gasp* seven.  Until then, I’ll be pouring those lemons into my Gratitude app, journals & Evernote docs.  And one of these days, I’ll invite y’all over for juice during a hearty cry session.

Later Gators.