Do you ever perceive rejection and then want to crawl in a hole and die and cry yourself a river?

I do.

First, my own doggone rejection.  Today, I forgot about a meeting I had in Lansing -about an 1.5 hr. away.  Now that were down to one car, I wasn’t able to make the meeting.  We made it a phone meeting but I couldn’t finish it and then forgot to call her back.

Can someone say that I am a big unprofessional jerk?

Well, even if you don’t, I all ready handled that.

After that, I laid down for “10 minutes or so,” which turned into TWO FREAKING HOURS, in which I missed an appointment with a student on campus.

I felt so bad.

Still do, actually.  Can’t you just see me crying my own river right now?

After that, my hubby & I had a miscommunication about things in which he had left me with no transportation and had my phone & laptop charger with him.

I was REALLY EXTREMELY OBNOXIOUSLY ANGRY sad.

It was not his fault.

Really.

I’m like sooooo over it.

Not really, but it was frustrating because I needed to work today.  I am so behind from all my trips in these last three weeks.

*sigh*

On to the real point of this blabbering post…

I got rejected today.

Again.

From the same person whom I’ve felt rejected by over and over and over again for 2 years.

*sigh*

(Don’t worry she’s not my facebook friend or a blog-reader so this is not my desperate attempt to get her to like me).

I hit a breaking point today.

I saw her in the usual place we see each other.

I took a deep breath, smiled big and gave her a big happy, “hello.”

She looked me up and down with a snarky face and gave a short, “um, hi,” with a face that communicated rejection and dislike.

I felt bad.

Under my breath, I called her a bad name.

A really bad name.

A name I don’t ever use.  I rarely call people bad names.  I find it immature.  I find it childish.  I think it’s pathetic and beneath me.

But as I have all ready mentioned I was very emotional today.  I cried twice today.  (What on earth?!?!)

And so I called her this bad name and I whispered to Dave that I “hated her.”

Blog reading friends, I may be many things but being petty is not -generally speaking- one of them.

I hate that I told Dave that I hated her and I hate that I called her a really bad name.

I hate that I responded that way.

The truth is, I don’t hate her and if I really thought she was the bad name that I called her than likely I wouldn’t want to be her friend, but the truth is that I do want to be her friend and after like five attempts to be her friend I feel she just keeps rejecting me.

I’ve been trying to “kill her with kindness,” to, ya know, go out of my way to be nice to her and let her know I’m a friend…

not working.

I’ve tried to not want to be her friend because I always feel bad for myself after our less-than-stellar interactions…

not working.

I’ve tried to believe that maybe I’m just reading into things and maybe she’s just a shy, introverted ice queen…

not working.

I’ve tried being like Jesus, turning the other cheek and all, but…

not working. (Or at least, maybe it is but I still feel like crapzilla every time she’s around).  On the other hand, Jesus said we’d be rejected for being nice to folks.

*sigh*

So I came home and laid down on my kitchen floor (the number one sign I am crying myself a lonely river) and I told Dave about how bad I feel that this girl won’t be nice to me.

So. Freaking. Pathetic.

So, what about you?  How do you handle rejection?  Real rejection, perceived or otherwise?

I know one thing this little conundrum has taught me: always be nice to people for crying out loud. You just never know how your act of kindness of snootiness affects people.