NEW CONTESTS: ELVIS LIVES. Two new contests, because the first one is likely to be somewhat, ah, insular.

1) Elvis Costello contest. The only rule is: Make me laugh, with something in some way related to an Elvis Costello song or lyric. (Not the man himself, mind, just song titles or lyrics, mostly because I think the contest will be funnier this way.) How-many-x’s-does-it-take-to-screw-in-a-lightbulb jokes; fake blogs; limericks; drink recipes; devil’s dictionary entries; If Elvis Were Morrissey; Elvis Costello as Captain Kirk or vice versa; anything, as long as it’s Elvis-inspired and funny. Extra credit to anyone who can turn a Stalin (port + vodka) into a Stalin Malone by somehow insinuating an Irish element into the mix without making it taste utterly awful.

2) Handicapping the candidates. Give me the reasons any of the many potential candidates (Dems, GOP, assorted others) will or will not attain the presidency in 2004. The funnier the better. This might be a model–my take on the 2000 campaign.

As always, please send entries to [email protected]. As always, winners get fame and fortune so tiny as to be effectively non-noticeable; and nothing else. My contest is its own reward. Results will be posted in, uh, a few weeks or so.