MORE CHEAPO WEDDING STUFF: Ginger Stampley adds more observations.

Dappled Things adds an important point: “Having seen more than my fair share of annulment cases, I would add another reason to Eve’s list: the long, costly, high-profile preparations for a Princess-Di wedding significantly reduce the couple’s ability to postpone or call off the wedding, even if they see substantive reasons for doing so. ‘Calling off the wedding really wasn’t an option, Father, since my parents had spent so much money on everything, the dresses were all done, the reception hall was paid up, and dozens of guests had already bought their airline tickets.'”

And an anonyreader makes the apt comparison to hyper-extravagant bar and bat mitzvah parties, an annoyance that besets certain richer circles of American Jews. I’ve been to three bat mitzvah parties (only went to the actual ceremony for one of them) and maybe two bar mitzvah parties (again only one ceremony). The contrast was pretty striking, between the small-scale, devout ceremony followed by homemade desserts for a gang of friends and the full-on “rent out the Hard Rock Cafe and slather money all over everything” fiestas. You just shouldn’t spend that much money on giving your thirteen-year-old a party. It builds a bad association between religious practice and luxury; it feeds all the problems attendant on raising non-spoiled kids in wealthy families. (OTOH, I did win two hula hoops at hula-hooping contests at the more lavish bat mitzvah parties, so it worked out from my perspective!)

Anyway, here’s the anonyreader–I agree with all of this except the dissing on fried mozz at the beginning: Fried mozzarella sticks? Doesn’t seem fair to one’s friends to invite them from all over and give them industrial food to eat… Yeah weddings are overdone, but some kind of fuss is necessary.

Fifteeen or so years after the wedding, the worry (if Jewish or mixed) is bar/bat mitzvah on a budget. Our children are not quite old enough yet, but we’ve been to a lot of bar mitzvahs and they are looming as a terror ahead. These mini-weddings are truly scary — the service; the luncheon; the evening party at a hotel or entertainment facility for 50-100 kids, parents and family friends with disc jockey and games; the Friday evening and Sunday brunch gatherings for the out-of-towners… I’m the RC part of our mixed marriage, so maybe it’s my sensibility that finds these mini-wedding celebrations disproportionate to the event. My wife is more or less appalled as well, but it seems to be “what is done.” (After the last one, my 9 yr old daughter started making an alarmingly long list of all the friends she wanted to come.) And it’s a weird lesson to welcome an adolescent into the great tradition of Jewish learning by putting on a childish commercial sort of party. Maybe these things are done differently in other parts of the country or in different circles. Reform Jews didn’t use to do them at all, and clearly (to my mind) don’t know how to today. Some kind of fuss is necessary, I would

agree, but what?

Please, if you print this don’t include my name — I don’t want to embarrass or insult any of my very nice friends or family whose bar

mtizvahs I’ve been to, and who might be reading. (One never knows.) Thanks.