DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO HATE?: One of the things that convinces me that the temptation that I talked about in the previous post is a big deal: It still amazes me when I wake up and think, Yesterday it didn’t get to me.

I still don’t really know how I got through a life so deeply controlled by an evil temptation. It’s so different now–even when it recurs, it’s so incredibly weakened–it’s so hard for me to think myself back into the state where this temptation controlled my entire life (almost wrote “my entire lie,” which would be pretty accurate!). Now I know that I can be a self without this particular kind of hatred, and so it is weakened–it can no longer fasten onto my desperate desire to be a distinctive human being, a self in the world. A “sparkly” for the Jeremy Crows of the modern media.

But realize, this temptation was all I knew how to be from approximately 1982 through 1996. I do hope this explains any histrionics I may display in future theological discussions. Because this is so very real to me. Evil is most of what I have ever known.

Two crucial points: 1) Evil will make every excuse it can. The worst thing I’ve ever done in my life had nothing to do with the temptation I’ve fought since childhood; you sneak up on yourself, and perpetrate evil. I snuck up on myself and did something so horrible that I can’t even come up with metaphors for it. You all who know me through my blog have no $#@!ing idea.

2) Every sin is a deranged attempt for some good. “The man who enters the whorehouse is seeking God,” as Chesterton said in a quote that spurred my conversion. And conversely, for every one of the best impulses of our souls, there is a demon waiting to hijack us and use us. And there is a part of our souls ready to let that demon do its thing.