FEEL YOUR INNOCENCE SLIPPING AWAY; DON’T BELIEVE IT’S COMING BACK SOON. Beyond hilarious recap of “Prisoner of Azkaban.” Spoilers abound. “I threaten you… with ORIGAMI!” This recap is… aimed at a demographic well above the movie’s target audience. So you know.

Excerpts:

MR WEASLEY: There’s this guy who wants to kill you. Don’t go looking for him!

HARRY: Why would I?

MR WEASLEY: Um… I thought you were into extreme sports yes, Harry, that’s it, take up bungee jumping instead. That’s all the screen time I’m allowed, okay, bye!

HARRY: But I’m desperately in need of a father figure!

MR WEASLEY: Three words for you about this movie, Mr Potter–Spoiled For Choice.

…

DRACO: You fainted because of Dementors? You pansy!

HARRY: Malfoy! What’s with the boyband hair? Also, as later events will unfold, coming from you that is, like, an entire packet of Rich Tea biscuits.

DRACO: And you never answered any of my letters all summer.

HARRY: Stalking is a criminal offence, you know.

DRACO: We’re in my legally erratic world now, bitch boy.

…

RON: Would you quit it with the inappropriate touching, Hermione? You’re making me seriously uncomfortable in my place of work.

…

DRACO: Dad says I can have the hippogriff’s head. Um. He shows his love in unusual ways.

…

LUPIN: Shall we indulge in lots of sinister yet ambiguous discourse?

SIRIUS: Sure. I have missed our little chats.

CUARON: Okay, for some reason they told me to ‘lay off the kids, Al,’ but I have three adult males in a room together in an emotionally charged situation, and I want you to give me all the kinky vibes you can!

SNAPE, SIRIUS AND LUPIN: Done and done.

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