LIVING TOGETHER, GROWING APART: Good post on cohabitation from Sara at the Family Scholars blog. Excerpts, with quotes from an article: “…When my boyfriend and I graduated from college this spring and starting making plans to move to New York (I was coming from Chicago and he was coming from Washington, DC), friendly acquaintances were surprised we weren’t planning on getting a place together (my good friends knew better). ‘You might as well,’ they said. ‘Think about what you could save on rent.’ If we had been moving in together, that would definitely not have been understood as a step toward marriage (in fact, when I would explain my opposition to cohabitation, people often seemed to think we were taking our relationship too seriously too quickly). What I find particularly funny about this is that while young people recognize that what they do in the arena of work and career will have long-term effects on their life, they seem to think that what they do in their romantic life is consequence-free, that the attitudes and habits they might develop while cohabiting won’t impact their ability to have a successful marriage later in life.

“‘In many ways, living together represented an advanced stage of dating, often preferable to living with roommates, while also having some advantages over marrieag (like freedom),’ Sassler writes. ‘Growing commitment to partners and the relationship seems to develop after moving in together.’

“It’s interesting that Sassler calls cohabitation ‘an advanced stage of dating,’ because once upon a time, people dated in order to find someone to marry. But cohabiting relationships, according to Sassler, often do not have that as their goal, they exist for their own sake. And they exist conditionally: part of their appeal is ‘freedom,’ the ability to get out easily if it’s not working for you any more. Moving in together is not a sign of commitment, which develops later, and when it does, it happens without the intention and thoughtfulness that a marriage-oriented style of dating (or, as old-fashioned types like myself call it ‘courtship’) could encourage. One of my great concerns with cohabitation is the way that a couple can slip into marriage after a few years:

“‘Future relationship goals were generally not discussed prior to moving in…and discussions about marriage did not become serious for most until after they had cohabited for several years.’

“The problem with this process is that there is never a point at which young people are looking for a good mate. When they’re young, they look for a good significant other, who may become a ‘partner’ in a cohabiting relationship, who might become a spouse. At no point are they looking for a good husband or wife, a good partner for marriage, a very different kind of relationship from the cohabiting couple. Romantic partners are never chosen with marriage in mind, even the one that you might eventually end up married to.”

whole post here

If you don’t mind hassling with PDFs you can find a piece I did on cohabitation on pages 8-9 here. I think it’s pretty good.