HOW TO MAKE YOUR CHILD A GAY ACTIVIST: This is something I’ve had kicking around the hard drive for a while, and, well, better extraordinarily late than extraordinarily never. This is based on any number of true stories, with style somewhat ripped off from the Screwtape Letters….

I welcome email about this post, including challenging or hostile email.

If you end up here via Google, please, please check out my sidebar under “Sicut cervus: Resources on God and homosexuality.” This is a fairly bitter piece, but there’s an enormous amount of love and support out there for you, and if you can’t find it, please email me and ask me for more.

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Let’s say you, like many Christian parents, have a child with strong and lasting homosexual longings.

Someone–maybe not Jesus, but Someone–definitely enjoys it when people who are trying hard to love one another and act well toward one another end up deeply hurting themselves and each other instead. Someone loves it when Christians trying to bear witness instead cause confusion, disappointment, and pain to those they love; when Christians, trying to support family values, destroy their own families. Someone enjoys it when Christians, seeking to love and support their children, hurt those children deeply.

How do you help that “Someone”? How do you make it as hard as possible for your child to accept Christian chastity and humility, rather than seeking solace in gay pride?

Let’s begin at the beginning….

1. Worry about whether your kid is too girly or too tomboy. Worry a lot. You can start when she’s still in the womb! Is your little princess kicking just a bit too hard? It’s never too early to start fretting about whether she’ll be one of those… you know… rugby girls.

Make sure you tell your kid exactly how, and how often, he or she steps out of the most rigid gender lines. You don’t need to try to shame your kid. At earlier ages, children usually want to conform, so just being told they’re not normal can make them feel properly… abnormal.

2. Let your kid think your love is conditional. Again, you don’t even have to say this out loud. Many kids just assume, unless they’re told differently, that they’ll only be loved if they do what you want.

Best of all, your child will guess that God’s love is conditional too.

What about when your child tells you he’s gay?

3. Find someone to blame. The best person to blame is yourself, of course. It’s your fault. Blaming an ex-spouse is also good; blaming the child is even better.

Don’t forget your child’s friends. Don’t trust them for a minute. They provide nothing of value–better your child should be entirely alone, dependent only on you for approval. (If your son introduces a boyfriend, remember that no matter how it might look, he doesn’t love your child at all–so it’s not as if you have anything in common.)

If you need help figuring out whom to blame, there are countless Christian sources that discuss “causes” of homosexuality. Spend a lot of time with these resources–ideally, more time than you spend with your child. These resources address the most important question: Where did this problem come from?

4. Use the right phrases. “Risky lifestyle” is a good one; also “disease.” “So disappointed” works, especially if you haven’t been diligent enough about step #2.

The best, of course, is that oldie-but-goodie, “You’re dead to me.”

You might not think you’d say that. But oddly, many people do. Perhaps the Holy Spirit inspires them to find the overdone–might we even say, campy?–phrase most likely to devastate their children.

These phrases are like Jif–kid-tested, mother-approved! They’ll help your child trust in other people and in God. After all, tough love is the best kind.

Under no circumstances consider any of the following: “I love you, sweetheart–I always have, and I always will”; “I don’t know if you want to talk about this more, but if you do–now, or ever–I’m always here for you”; or, worst of all, “Okay, well. Okay. Huh. But you’re still bringing the sweet potatoes for Thanksgiving, right? You know your mom always burns them.”

5. Now is a good time to bring up the Church’s teachings. Your kid has probably spent months to decades gearing up for this moment, expecting the worst, braced for rejection. He’s in a tight-wound emotional state, pulse racing, trying to speak clearly and coherently.

This is the best time to tell him about intrinsically disordered impulses, Leviticus, and Romans. He’s ready and willing to hear you. Besides, if you follow steps #4 and 8, you may never get another chance to talk to him.

6. The only good gay is an ex-gay! For minors, why not try ex-gay camp? Send your kid to a remote location, where he’ll enjoy outdoorsy, macho, sweaty activities with other virile, same-sex attracted boys. That’ll cure him! (The best camps don’t let the kids listen to anything but Contemporary Christian music–none of this fairycake Mozart business.)

If you can’t find a good camp, at least try counseling. Your daughter can still learn to be a Real Woman–with dresses and everything! (Jesus likes it when girls wear dresses.) Be sure your kid understands that if she doesn’t become heterosexual, she has no chance of being chaste.

What about the long term?

7. “Help” is a four-letter word. Don’t tell anyone what you’re going through. Especially, don’t seek out other people in your situation. They couldn’t even raise their own children properly–surely they can’t help you with yours! Besides, if you get support, you might forget to focus on the important stuff, like whose fault this is.

8. “Sorry” is for sissies. Whatever you and your child said in the heat of emotion reflected your deepest feelings–so there’s no need to try to reconcile. Your kid doesn’t care what you think, anyway–why would he want to hear from his mother after years of estrangement? Why would he want to know you still think about him every night?

9. Most importantly, don’t pray. Don’t pray for your kid. Don’t pray for yourself. Don’t pray that you can model Christ’s love to your child. Don’t pray that your child will be a source of grace and blessing for others (including his boyfriend or her girlfriend–definitely don’t pray for God to bless those awful people!). If you absolutely must pray, just pray that your child will realize exactly how wrong he is and exactly how right you are.

That’s what Someone would want.