O TELL ME THE TRUTH ABOUT LOVE: I find that a lot of people, both gay and not, ask me questions which boil down to, “How should I understand gay relationships which are obviously loving?” This can be phrased as, “How do you feel, as a Catholic, about my relationship with my boyfriend?” (although I don’t know why my personal feelings should really matter!) or “How should I view my brother’s partner?” or, something I addressed in that Commonweal piece, “How should I understand the love which was a part of the gay relationships I had before becoming Catholic?”

The first thing I think of with this question is the quotation I posted last week, in which Jesus, looking at the rich young man, loved him. If we approach our own gay (meaning, here, sexually-active) relationships or those of others with this look of love, a love which is both personal and challenging, what do we find?

What we find will be different for different relationships. But here are some thoughts from my Commonweal piece:

Loving one another can be an echo of the love we receive from God; it can be the child of that love; it can be preparation for our own awestruck love of God. (I would argue that my erotic and romantic love of women has been all three of those things, at different times.)

I went on to say, “But our human experience, including our erotic experience, cannot be a replacement for the divine revelation preserved by the church. We must be careful not to let it become a counternarrative or a counter-Scripture.” A chaste love relationship founded on love of Christ, perhaps even adorned with promises like the ones described here and here, is even more beautiful and sublime than the best sexually-active gay relationship. Perhaps you’re being called to this other person because he or she is a part of your life’s vocation, in which case chastity will exalt your relationship, not diminish it. Perhaps not–perhaps you’re being called to hospitality, service, searing devotion to God, a radical vulnerability and availability made possible precisely by your lack of obligations to partner or children. Note that neither of these alternatives is easy! “Exalted” doesn’t exactly imply “easier,” and sublimity is almost the opposite of satisfaction–accepting one of these alternatives will probably increase most people’s sense of difficulty, their sense of struggle or need for surrender to God. But we don’t get to choose how God calls us; we only choose how we respond to that call.