EXIT, PURSUED BY A BEAR: Hilarious list of Things I Will Not Do When I Direct A Shakespeare Production. Including but definitely not limited to the following:

1. The ghost of Hamlet’s father will not be played by the entire ensemble underneath a giant piece of diaphanous black material.

10. I will not treat A Midsummer Night’s Dream as though it were Un Chien Andalou.

25. I will not use long red ribbons to represent blood, particularly if the long red ribbons bear an unnerving resemblance to pasta.

55. I will not allow the King’s ghost in Hamlet to look like a hairy popsicle.

67. I will not put people in elaborate period costumes that only go down to their shoulders.

69. Richard III will not be portrayed as a whiny little prat who couldn’t seduce or murder his way out of a wet paper bag.

70. I will not use metatheater as a way to disguise the ineptitude of my cast or of myself. If by some chance I find myself forced to take this course anyway, I will make it clear that the production is meta and not just half-assed.

98. I will not have sheep in my pastoral scenes.

128. Lady Macbeth doesn’t start out the play insane. If she does, there’s nowhere to go. It’s called a character ARC!

137. At no time will Hamlet be allowed to impale Claudius with a chandelier.

145. If I have a high concept production, I have to make sure it makes sense to people who aren’t me.

151. Having Shylock pour blood on a prayer shawl and ululate in Hebrew while waving a curved knife during the trial is just overkill.

153. Puck should not wear a tutu. Nor should he be twins.

there is a clicking at the gate!