ALSO, YOUR BIO PROFESSOR WILL HAVE A CREEPY OBSESSION WITH THE BONOBO A.K.A. SEXMONKEYS. BE FOREWARNED. From Ginger Stampley comes the question, What advice would you give if you could go back in time and talk with your former self? I’ve wondered this quite a bit, given the weird turns my life has taken. I’ll take two moments–one at the end of ninth grade, one at the beginning of my freshman year of college….

Dear Ninth Grade Self,

You’ll get bored with being radical.

Read more Shakespeare, less Sistah Souljah. The House on Mango Street isn’t even a book for pete’s sake.

You can’t escape shame by turning it into pride.

Senior year is going to be really, really awful, so be prepared, and try to be a good friend to the people who will need you.

You know more than you think you do about God, but less than you think you do about life.

Don’t put anything in your zine you don’t want your mother to read. Even if she never sees it, you can bet that you will regret it later. In general, be a lot less of an exhibitionist/agent provocateur.

You’re surrounded by amazingly patient, forbearing people, especially your parents. You should return the favor, but I bet you won’t….

Dear Freshman Self,

Don’t take “gut” science classes (i.e. Rocks for Jocks). You will be so bored you’ll come within an inch of FAILING, like with an F. Panic and hideola grades will ensue. Take History of Science instead–it’s a cop-out, but it’s an interesting cop-out.

Don’t be so quick to judge people. Some of the “cool” people will leave you in the lurch or betray your friends; at least one of the people you can’t stand will prove to be a loyal, courageous, and inspiring friend. (Roo-fiance, this means you!)

PLEASE don’t be so histrionic! Get a grip!!!

Don’t believe everything you hear, especially if it makes a friend look bad. Remember that people really do have enemies who spread false rumors about them, or, mistakenly but not viciously, perceive events inaccurately and draw bad conclusions.

Speaking of, be slower to draw conclusions yourself.

Talk more, and don’t be afraid to look stupid. Give more speeches in the debating society you’re about to join–you’ll really regret this if you don’t do it, because you’ll realize it took you until junior year to give a good speech.

Keep your temper in check even with people who hurt your friends. Other people’s viciousness, gossip, and vengefulness are no excuse for you to respond in kind. If you do act all evil to your enemies, you’ll just end up having to apologize; skipping directly to forgiveness will save you a step. It’s possible to stick up for your friends without returning evil for evil.

Don’t worry–you will not regret spending so much more time with your friends than with your studies.

As soon as Taste of India opens, eat there every chance you get–a car’s gonna ram into it pretty soon and force it to close down. Oh, and start eating meat again ASAP, you wouldn’t believe the hamburgers they’ve got here!

There’s more, but hey, ya gotta figure some stuff out for yourself…!