THE DIVINE MISS M: I’ve taken a little break from Brookhiser’s biography of our first president in order to immerse myself in the wonderful world of Miss Manners. Miss M is truly fantastic–witty (“It seems that telephone books are shrinking. As ever more people request that their numbers be unlisted, it is going to be increasingly hard for small children to reach their dinner plates”), vehemently (with a dainty kind of vehemence) pro-privacy and anti-snobbishness, compassionate, adaptable, and focused on manners as a vehicle for charity and humility. (She casually uses phrases like, “It is, after all, a duty of mercy to…”–and means it.)

Miss M is also a traditionalist in the Edmund Burke school. Not a nostalgia-conservative, carping about The Good Old Days–Miss M is firmly of the opinion that TGODs were not so good for women and for those considered “inferiors.” But like Burke, she believes in the value of tradition-as-such, prescription, and the time-honored. Manners, for her, are one of the ways we show respect for others, mind our own business, and maintain a peaceable and kind society. Here’s a ringing defense, from the excellent Miss Manners’ Basic Training: The Right Thing to Say:

“In the heady era of believing that we are all born bursting with creativity, the conventional phrases society uttered for marking the conventional events of life were cast aside as insufficient and insincere. It no longer seemed enough to say ‘Congratulations’ to the happy, ‘I’m terribly sorry’ to the sad, and ‘Get well soon’ to the sick. Something more inspired seemed necessary.

“But what? The suggestion–not a noticeably original idea, by the way–was that people should consult their feelings and then improvise remarks based on their emotions. Uninhibited by the unimaginative dictates of etiquette, they would produce fresh heart-to-heart communication–a veritable flow of uniquely personal empathy that would make the world a better place.

“Only they didn’t and it isn’t. Searching their hearts, most people came up with the idea of talking about themselves or of critiquing others.”

She and her readers, who write in with examples of etiquette dilemmas, proceed to supply examples of the latest in rude politeness. In The Right Thing to Say, Miss M defends euphemism, refusing to spill one’s guts to everyone who pressures you to express how you feel, and talking about the weather. It’s great. I strongly recommend the book for anyone who thinks manners are boring, deadening constraints on their individuality. (And here’s a post on some problems with viewing emotions as “truly authentic” rather than in many respects conventional.) The book is also great, of course, for people who want to know how to respond to thoughtlessly cruel remarks; turn down unwanted invitations; or cover for an elderly relative who’s just said something unforgivable.