MAIL: First, the election-themed results of an old, old, and sadly neglected contest, in which I asked readers to send in their nominations for 2004 presidential candidates. The only taker? Tenebrae. Here are his picks. Note that this contest ran a LONG time ago, in a political galaxy far, far away…:

BEST CHANCE: For dry, blurry eyes, vote for Joe Lieberman … Wow. As Limbaugh says (paraphrasing?), “He’s boring, he’s an adult, and he’s not afraid of the word God.” Therefore, the odds-on favorite.

RUNNER-UP (ANOTHER CUP OF JOE): viz., Gov. Joseph Graham Davis (CA), than whom no human being possesses an apter nickname. Gray’s drawback? So white he makes Dubya look like Busta Rhymes. Gettin jiggy wit it? Not quite. But more than feasible. [Not any more, I don’t think–ed.]

POSSIBLE, BUT NOT PROBABLE: After 2 cups of Joe, a trip to the John, as in Sen. John Edwards (SC). A relatively unknown, handsome, “moderate,” youthful Southerner with a law degree. Stop me if you think that you’ve heard this one before.

SLIM CHANCE (ANOTHER TRIP TO THE JOHN): as in Senator John Forbes Heinz-Rothschild von Schraubenschluessel Kerry, 9th Archduke of Louisburg Square. With JFK’s initials & debonair mien, but also with a foreign-policy record in the 80s that was to the left of Walter Mondale. Not bloody likely.

NO CHANCE: Albert Arnold Adlai Ewing Stevenson Stassen Gore.

LESS THAN NO CHANCE, ALAS: The Rev. Al Sharpton.

Next, more contest results–I asked stuff like, What if Elvis Costello were Morrissey? How do I mix a Stalin Malone? and similar EC-themed flotsam. Tenebrae again chipped in: If Elvis Costello were Morrissey: what’s so funny about war, hate & misunderstanding? [Truly, a tune for our times–ed.]

And KairosMan contributed this recipe for a Stalin Malone: Mix it [a Stalin, I presume–port and vodka] as a shot, and then depth-charge it into a pint of Guiness. Or, alternatively, use a burning bit of peat to set it ablaze before drinking.