10 Things I’d Rather Do Than See The New Left Behind Movie

10 Things I’d Rather Do Than See The New Left Behind Movie June 6, 2014

If you haven’t already seen it, the trailer for the new Left Behind movie is out! (See bottom of post). Folks have been asking if I’m looking forward to seeing and reviewing the movie, so I decided to be completely honest and let you know how I actually feel about this situation:

 

10 things I’d rather do than see the new Left Behind movie

 

10. I’d rather take a picture of my shoes while standing here:

Yes, this dude is standing on top of the Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world. If you find me here, it’s only because I was faced with two choices: stand on top of the building, or watch the movie.

9. I’d rather head on over to the DMV to get my license renewed.

And when I’d go, I’d hold the door open to let the five people from behind me jump ahead. I’m thoughtful like that. I could always download some episodes of 19 Kids and Counting to my iPad to pass the time.

8. I’d rather go cave diving.

As much as it pains me to admit it, this one is a tough call. Cave diving might be cool and all when watching the Discovery Chanel, but yikes… just the thought of it almost makes me suffocate. But when forced to pick between this and watching the movie? I’ll go with diving.

7. I’d rather attend the 22nd annual pre-trib rapture study group conference.

Yes, the conference is a real thing. It’s in Irving, Texas this year (yipppee!) and you can reserve your spot, here. Why watch the movie when you can be around people who live and breathe it in real life?

6. I’d rather open a business training feral cats.

Let’s just say, I’d rather be staring at this face than Nicolas Cage.

5. I’d rather try to convince my wife she should get this year’s bathing suit from “Cover Up For Christ

This one wouldn’t be too immodest, would it? Hopefully they can alter it to be a little bit longer.

4. I’d rather try out that venomous ant initiation ceremony.

They say it actually makes you have some cool hallucinations, and it’s not even illegal, so why not?

3. I’d rather become a missionary to Vanuatu and be initiated like this:

Why go bungee jumping when you can try the real thing that lets your head hit the ground when you land?

2. I’d rather get a Kim Jong-un haircut.

Side note: for some reason, every time I see Kim Jong-un, I imagine that he has the voice of Cartman.

1. I’d rather get a job working for Dave Ramsey.

Yup, I’d rather work for the dude who is completely losing his mind. If you’ve missed it, my friend Matthew Paul Turner has an excellent piece that will open your eyes.

///

So, yeah– those are ten things off the top of my mind that I’d rather do than see this new Left Behind movie. But alas, I will still go see it– but only because I am dedicated to my work. However, I can’t promise that I won’t sneak a flask into the movie theater with me.

Here’s the trailer to the movie in case you’ve missed it:


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  • HappyCat

    I love fantasy, horror, science fiction, and the work of Nicolas Cage. It might be a decent movie seen in that light.

  • Sirjoyful

    I’d rather re-read the books as comedy. At least I could burn them when I was done

  • It has Nicholas Cage in it, that’s a good enough reason to see it :)

  • Ruaidrí Ó Domhnaill

    So, what’s the difference between the movie and the pre-trib study group?
    I’m right there with you on most of the rest, though… except the cave-diving. no way in hell I’m going cave diving, but I’ll make up for it by bungee-jumping off the Burj Khalifa.

  • Cory N Jamie Gilliam

    I think I might do all these except work for Ramses Ramsey. I might have to kill him if he got in my face like the self righteous pineal foreskin that he is. I just don’t feel like getting sentenced for murder.

  • Probably not much, but just the fact that such a thing actually exists begged making it into a list of some sort.

  • Ruaidrí Ó Domhnaill

    Had you noticed, under the ‘girls’ section at http://www.coverupforchrist.com/ there is a Disney Princess bathing suit, with the princesses depicted showing a whole lot more skin than any bathing suit on the site?
    If it weren’t for the double standard, there’d be no standard at all.

  • Mark Schieber

    feral*

  • ChuckQueen101

    Really great stuff. Can’t believe N. Cage is in a move like this. He’s a good actor, but he will grab any part — maybe he needs the money – one to many luxury homes.

  • When I was in high school, a teacher told the class that ‘Even though the theology is somewhat flawed, if Left Behind doesn’t convince you to accept Christ, nothing will!’

    Having read it, I can safely say that nothing will convince me to accept Christ. That was the worst pack of drivel I’ve ever subjected myself to, and I’ve read 50 Shades of Grey.

  • Matthew Bade

    I agree with you. It might be a really fun movie. After all, I enjoyed The Lord of the Rings, which is just about as fantastical as all this Rapture nonsense.

  • Matthew Bade

    Was it Opposite Day when your teacher said that? Because Rapture “theology” is among the WORST reasons to accept Christ. It’s like saying the best reason to learn a foreign language is because it’s easy to do. There are so many good reasons to learn a language, but “easy” is most definitely not one of them.

  • HappyCat

    You mean elves aren’t real? I’m shocked! :)

  • Kerry Thomas

    As a guy who I hosted a radio show with a while back said….” Is your ego so big that after 2 centuries Christ is coming back for you? ”

  • Dan Whitmarsh

    I think I would enjoy attending the movie, so long as I could sit in the back with my popcorn and loudly mock it. Maybe get some friends together and give it the MST3K treatment.

  • Even if the theology of LaHaye and Jenkins were unassailable and irrefutable, I’d still reject it for the gleeful descriptions of the exquisite tortures unbelievers will face. The whole series is literally torture porn.

  • Amy

    I don’t like the LB series either, but please don’t be a dick in public. Just because we don’t like it doesn’t mean others don’t.

  • Dan Whitmarsh

    Was wishful thinking on my part. The odds of my doing this are about as great as the odds of Ben going cave diving.

  • Amy

    cool. :)

  • Funsize

    Book burning is barbaric, and I can’t believe you would even suggest the idea.

  • Sirjoyful

    Only my own Laughed at copies. I do have a tendency towards destruction if I am convinced that the content of what I am destroying could destroy someones life. I’d rather not inflict that highly questionable theology on anyone else.

  • Bunny

    If you didn’t take a flask in with you…

  • Funsize

    Fair enough.

  • SirThinkALot

    Am I weird that I actually WANT to see this movie? Even though the ‘rapture theology’ is completely ridiculous, tortured reading of scripture, its none-the-less a great, entertaining story. And it looks like this film is going to have some decent production value and is only going to sort-of follow the book. So it might just have potental to be entertaining

  • Stacey (the kids’ Aunt Tasty)

    Worst. Books. Ever. Except maybe for anything by Nicholas Sparks.

  • I did not know there was a new left behind movie. I only saw the first one, and it was terrible.

  • Al Cruise

    Most of the right wing fundies have a little money in their pockets, this movie will be a good avenue to get some of it. A marketer once told me how they market to certain Christian groups is by “playing to their fears”. Much of the in house commerce that goes on in the Fundamental Christian world is done that way.

  • AJ

    There will never be a better rapture move than “This Is The End”

  • $105158253

    I have no desire too see it either but too bad you didn’t think of ten things you’d rather do that tell us why you’d rather not see the movies. You probably spent the same amount of time. But hey I know you just had to get your bitterness and resentment out on display.

  • gimpi1

    What on earth possessed Nicholas Cage to star in this? (Possessed… get it?)

    I can safely say I would rather have my two remaining wisdom teeth extracted than see this movie, and I generally like Nicholas Cage. (I even liked Captain Corelli’s Mandolin. That’s how much I like his movies!)

  • gimpi1

    Have a party after it comes out on NetFlicks. You could even turn the sound down and do a “What’s up Tiger Lilly?” send up. Who knows, it could be a U-Tube smash!

  • gimpi1

    As an aside, I have actually domesticated feral cats. It can take years, but I’ve gotten three to become happy house-cats. I’m working on number 4 now, and well into the 2nd year. Not much of a business model there, admittedly.

  • Harmony

    Is it insidiously ironic that, as a trans woman, I’m considering the CoverUpForChrist swim suits so I can go swimming? :P

  • marikunin

    If I was forced to see this movie they’d have to let me bring a few beers…lol

  • revrocky210

    [This bit, found on the web, exposes the “brilliant” No. 1 pretrib rapture pusher!]

    Pretrib Rapture Pride

    Pretrib rapture promoters like Thomas Ice give the impression they know more than the early Church Fathers, the Reformers, the greatest Greek New Testament scholars including those who produced the KJV Bible, the founders of their favorite Bible schools, and even their own mentors!
    Ice’s mentor, Dallas Sem. president John Walvoord, couldn’t find anyone holding to pretrib before 1830 – and Walvoord called John Darby and his Brethren followers “the early pretribulationists” (RQ, pp. 160-62). Ice belittles Walvoord and claims that several pre-1830 persons, including “Pseudo-Ephraem” and a “Rev. Morgan Edwards,” taught a pretrib rapture. Even though the first one viewed Antichrist’s arrival as the only “imminent” event, Ice (and Grant Jeffrey) audaciously claim he expected an “imminent” pretrib rapture! And Ice (and John Bray) have covered up Edwards’ historicism which made a pretrib rapture impossible! Google “Morgan Edwards’ Rapture View” and journalist/historian Dave MacPherson’s “Deceiving and Being Deceived” for documentation on these and similar historical distortions.
    The same pretrib defenders, when combing ancient books, deviously read “pretrib” into phrases like “before Armageddon,” “before the final conflagration,” and “escape all these things”!
    BTW, the KJV translators’ other writings found in London’s famed British Library (where MacPherson has researched) don’t have even a hint of pretrib rapturism. Is it possible that Ice etc. have found pretrib “proof” in the KJV that its translators never found?
    Pretrib merchandisers like Ice claim that nothing is better pretrib proof than Rev. 3:10. They also cover up “Famous Rapture Watchers” (on Google) which shows how the greatest Greek NT scholars of all time interpreted it.
    Pretrib didn’t flourish in America much before the 1909 Scofield Bible which has pretribby “explanatory notes” in its margins. Not seen in the margins was jailed forger Scofield’s criminal record throughout his life that David Lutzweiler has documented in his recent book “The Praise of Folly” which is available online.
    Biola University’s doctrinal statement says Christ’s return is “premillennial” and “before the Tribulation.” Although universities stand for “academic freedom,” Biola has added these narrow, restrictive phrases – non-essentials the founders purposely didn’t include in their original doctrinal statement when Biola was just a small Bible institute! And other Christian schools have also belittled their founders.
    Ice, BTW, has a “Ph.D” issued by a tiny Texas school that wasn’t authorized to issue degrees! Ice now says that he’s working on another “Ph.D” via the University of Wales in Britain. For light on the degrees of Ice’s scholarliness, Google “Bogus degree scandal prompts calls to wind up University of Wales,” “Thomas Ice (Bloopers),” “be careful in polemics – Peripatetic Learning,” and “Walvoord Melts Ice.” Also Google “Thomas Ice (Hired Gun)” – featured by media luminary Joe Ortiz on his Jan. 30, 2013 “End Times Passover” blog.
    Other fascinating Google articles include “The Unoriginal John Darby,” “X-raying Margaret,” “Margaret Macdonald’s Rapture Chart,” “Pretrib Rapture’s Missing Lines,” “Edward Irving is Unnerving,” “Pretrib Rapture Politics,” “Pretrib Rapture Stealth,” “Pretrib Rapture Dishonesty,” “Pretrib Hypocrisy,” “Pretrib Rapture Secrecy,” “Open Letter to Todd Strandberg,” and “Roots of Warlike Christian Zionism” – most from the author of “The Rapture Plot” (the most accurate documentation on pretrib rapture history) which can be obtained by calling 800.643.4645.
    Can anyone guess who the last proud pretrib rapture holdout will be?
    (Postscript: For another jolt or two Google “The Background Obama Can’t Cover Up.”)

  • Irv Spielberg

    BREAKING NEWS: The longtime No. 1 pretrib rapture
    authority, Dr. John Walvoord of Dallas Seminary, has written that the
    “Left Behind” books and movies have a NON-BIBLICAL foundation! Walvoord
    says in his book “The Rapture Question,” p. 169, that the ones “taken”
    first in Matt. 24 are the wicked who are judged and killed, and the ones
    “left” behind are the righteous – which is just the OPPOSITE of what
    “Left Behind” books and films portray! For proof of this, Google “The
    ‘Left Behind’ Rupture” which was aired on Joe Ortiz’s “The End Times
    Passover” blog on August 12, 2014. (For more shocks Google “Pretrib
    Rapture Dishonesty,” “Pretrib Rapture Pride,” “Pretrib Rapture Secrecy,”
    “Letter from Mrs. Billy Graham,” and “Pretrib Rapture Stealth.”