If You Were My Gay Child, This Is What I Would Tell You

If You Were My Gay Child, This Is What I Would Tell You August 19, 2015

Susan and Annie NYC
Susan and Annie in New York City

I was heartsick that a Pastor – claiming to speak for God – called his Christian teenage son ‘disgraceful, demon-possessed poison.’

Many of you have been called words like this – by strangers, friends, people in your church, family, and maybe even your Dad too. And you carry deeper wounds than anyone even knows.

Well, this Mom wants to tell you a few things.

I have five grown children, three girls and two boys – including two queer (their word) daughters. I began this blog and my work – FreedHearts – so I could be an ally and an advocate not only for my precious daughters but for all the LGBTQ community.

My goal is to set hearts free – to love and be loved.

I read a story – actually, it is very similar to many that I have read, many I have seen first hand – in which a Pastor condemned, rejected, and shamed his own son – all “in the name of God.” The truth is that it has nothing to do with God or Jesus – it is all about fear. And it is indefensible.

I have no words for the Pastor. Instead, I write this letter to the son – to all the children on the receiving end of this kind of treatment – from a Mom’s heart to yours…

Dear Beautiful Child of God,

YES, YOU ARE a beautiful child of God, I don’t care what anyone has told you. I feel a bit helpless here. If I could, I would open a home to welcome you and other LGBTQ kids who have been disenfranchised by their families.

I can tell you what I would say if you were my child. I will speak to you from my heart, to say the many things your parents, and your church, should have said but failed to.

1) If you were my child, I would first tell you how much I love you. I would sit with you, kiss your head, brush away your tears. I would tell you that you deserve to be loved just because you are who you are. Period.

2) If you were my child, I would make sure you know that God absolutely delights in you. Anything else is a pack of lies. God not love you? Crazy talk! GOD MADE YOU! You choosing to be gay? Of course not! It is who you are, how you were created.

3) If you were my child, I would tell you that many parents would love to have you. Countless parents are delighted with their gay kids, and they would be delighted with you, too. Let that sink in. Parents who do not delight in their child, including their LGBTQ child, have their own issues – IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CHILD! (…and unfortunately there’s nothing you can do to help with their issues.)

4) If you were my child, I would dismantle those hateful lies you’ve been told. I would chase them away just as I would chase away a bully or a bad dream. I would hold you and ask you to listen instead for the Spirit’s still, small voice saying: “You are exactly the way you were created. Imperfectly perfect. Wonderful. Loved.”

5) If you were my child, I would tell you that no one has the right to bully you. Not church people, not Christians, not classmates, not parents. It is NOT love and the worst is to drag God’s name into it, as if God supports all that bullying. Uh, no.

6) If you were my child, I would remind you that bullies bully because they are hurt, afraid, wounded, and bullying reflects their own damage, it does not reflect the person they’re bullying. Even church people. Even parents.

7) If you were my child, I would rejoice with you that the day of total freedom draws nearer for LGBTQ people everywhere! I would tell you your life will get better! Love and the truth are winning! This is true whatever situation you are in right now. LIFE WILL GET BETTER! Like spending time in prison for a crime you didn’t commit, the wait can feel interminable – but it will come! Do whatever you need to do to hang in there.

8) If you were my child, I would alert you that many bullies will double-down, because they are so afraid. Their boxes are being forced opened, their lies are being exposed, their power is being threatened. This increase in attack from them does not mean they’re right – it means they’re wrong.

9) If you were my child, I would tell you that parents who hurt children are the ones ‘in sin,’ and they’re breaking tons of rules – about loving others, not judging, helping your neighbor (your child), serving someone in need and thereby serving Jesus. These are just a few. And Jesus was clear that those who hurt God’s little ones are making a HUGE mistake.

10) If you were my child, I would say: “You do not need to change a single thing!” Changing to gain approval is not what relationships are about. Someone who requires you to change does not deserve you.

11) But mostly, if you were my child, I would take you out to lunch… you’d tell me if my outfit is young and hip enough because you’d have fashion sense like that, and you wouldn’t be afraid to tell me because you are bold and brave because our relationship would be safe… and we’d order an expensive latte and I’d ask you about the person you’re interested in, because how fun is that, and besides, you would be my beloved child! That’s what family does, because they love each other like that. I mean for heaven’s sake, what is family for?? And anyone who tried to bully you would have to go through me first, and let me tell you they wouldn’t be able to. I love you that much.

I am sorry that you’re not my child. I am sorry for everything you’re going through. I am sorry your parents may never say these things, nor will they be able to hear these things. They are deceived and they are believing lies – about God, about you, and about themselves.

The best I can do is send you love through this blog: love from me, from countless moms and dads of gay kids who love you exactly as you are. We will never stop loving you, we will never stop fighting for you, we will never stop standing against the hate and the bullies – even when the bully might be your own Mom or Dad.

And I will keep speaking that loving truth of who you are, through this blog, because we ALL need to hear that over and over and over again.

Love, Susan


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