A pastor, his newly-out LGBTQ child, his wife, family members, his daughter’s future family – heated arguments, perceived disrespect, ultimatums… it is difficult and stressful for everyone involved. I hear from parents, and their kids, every day here on the blog, in emails, and in personal phone calls and meetings. My heart goes out to all of them and my hope is to remind them how much God loves them, and remind them of how much they love each other.
I write Dear Susan posts most every Friday. Sometimes they are poignant, sometimes thought-provoking, sometimes tender, sometimes funny… but hopefully always worth the read.
Dear Susan,
I’m a former pastor whose 28-year-old daughter has “come out” over the past year. It’s hard enough and disappointing enough for me, but it has devastated my wife. I’m at a loss for all this. The aspect that I personally struggle with most is what I feel as blatant disrespect and for her parents. Let me explain: it is as she’s given us an ultimatum: accept all of me and my “future family,” or accept none of me. Had I personally been gay, I would never have disrespected my parents by being so brazen with it. We feel that our daughter has essentially dumped up us and cast us aside for her new life and her new circle of friends. Anything you can tell me?
Dad,
Dear Dad,
Oh dear, my heart goes out to you and your wife. I surely understand how blindsided you must feel by this. It must be very hard indeed. The thing to realize is, she came out to you all at once, but it was not all at once for her. She has been steeping and pondering and fighting and figuring for a long time. She knew it was a risk to tell you. (“Great,” “solid” families have thrown their kids out over this, and she knows it – so, even if you know you’d never throw her out, she took a great risk to tell you.) I can’t speak for her, of course, but I can speak for the many whose people I know: they have to prepare themselves to be thrown out. They wrestle with hiding their true selves and living a lie, or coming out and risking all. I hope that if you put yourself in that position, it will give you understanding. After my daughter came out, she asked me SEVERAL times if I was sure that we would continue to accept her. Well of course! I was dismayed that she asked several times. Then she explained that her friends had been thrown out, and it made a lot more sense. (What does that say about us as a society, that LGBTQ people must fear what will happen if they come out? And indeed that is sadly a reality.) So it sounds like you are NOT going down that path: that is a great thing.
I understand that you cannot imagine a situation in which you would have disrespected your parents the way you feel disrespected. But put it this way: she would rather know now what she’s going to have to face than be blindsided once she finds a partner and starts a family. A friend of ours from our completely affirming church tells the story of having shown up the first time he visited, and writing on his name tag: “Token Gay Guy.” It may sound brash and even rude. But it was his way of saying, “If you’re going to reject me over this, I’d rather you do it now and get it over with, than let me invest time in this place and then be kicked out.” Can you see that? I certainly can. If I visited a church that would not accept women, for instance, I’d rather them tell me at the very beginning. Don’t let me get committed to you and invest my heart into you, and then reject me later. That is a much harder thing to endure.
I encourage you to look at this from your daughter’s perspective. As I said, I can’t speak for her, but I know the way I described it is common for many, many in her situation.
Steven Covey said, “Seek to understand before you seek to be understood.” I bet that if you approach your daughter in love, and express to her that there is no way on God’s green earth you would reject her — what kind of parent would?? (…IF that is true for you) — then you will be in a place to ask her how she’s doing, how she’s feeling, if she’s okay. Consider also that she’s been keeping this secret a long, long time. What must that have been like for her? Is there anything you can do to help her? I bet it’s been a tough road. That kind of understanding will go a long way toward strengthening your relationship and affirming your love for her. That is, after all, our greatest job to our children (especially adult children) is to love them to the moon and back.
But that is the rub – because perhaps you are not really there about being accepting. I don’t blame you, given how a “teaching of contempt” is promulgated throughout so much of the church today; as a pastor, you may well hold that view. Before you are faced with this in your life, it’s easier to just take the “gay is wrong” teaching at face value. But now that your daughter has come out, you owe it to your whole family to dig in and really search it out for yourself. I urge you to check out our recommended books.
I highly recommend my book, “Mom, I’m Gay” – Loving Your LGBTQ Child and Strengthening Your Faith. In it, I answer exactly these questions and more.
Your daughter only served to bring this issue front and center for you and your wife, but be clear: your struggle is between you and God. Your daughter can’t lighten that burden for you. While parents are tempted to push their children back in the closet so as not to have to face this, that is inauthentic and completely unfair to your daughter. You and your wife will have to wrestle directly and individually with God. Only there will you find peace.
Much love to you and your family,
Susan
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