You’re Next….Horror for Meth Addicts

When I get invites for press screenings, I try not to turn them down. As someone trying to build credibility with my film reviews, I take every opportunity given to me.  Plus, as a horror writer with a novel coming out in October, You’re Next appealed to my sensibilities.

As I went to the theater to see the press screening for You’re Next, I met some lovely people, Hope and George,  who promised to introduce me to the Central Ohio Film Critics Association. That, dear reader, was the highlight of my night. Once the movie started, it all went down hill.

Some of you may not want to read this full review, so let me sum up my feelings about You’re Next in the following statements:

I hated this movie as a horror novel writer. I hated this movie as a movie goer. I hated this movie as someone who likes actual plot. I hated this movie as an intelligent person. I hated this movie as a human being.

Any questions?

I really don’t know where to begin with this film. Let’s start with the so-called plot. To be fair, the movie has an intriguing set up. A family, full of tension, goes to an isolated manner house in the middle of the Missouri woods (I feel sad that my native state is featured in this film). Now, that sounds very interesting, right? For the first ten minutes of the movie, it is. Very. The filmmakers do a great job setting up potential family secrets, potential family complications and even potential family rage.

What do they do with that set up?

Let’s go back to my hates.

I hated this movie as a horror writer: Most horror writers are highly intelligent people. These folks strive hard to make people think as well as deprive them of sleep. In fact, getting into the brain is what makes good horror. Peter Straub said it best when he wrote that good horror is defined by its subtlety.

Somehow, horror writers get a bad rap among literary types. Why? The answer is simple; movies like You’re Next give everyone a bad name. These movies insult and slap people in the face with their dumbness. Even worse, they ask you, the audience, to suspend your disbelief.

In one particular scene of breathtakingly stupid brilliance (trademark pending) , the sweet grown up daughter of the family volunteers to run out the door to escape the house. And, EVERYONE LETS HER.

SERIOUSLY???

As you might expect, she dies. She is murdered by an invisible wire cutting her throat because she ran into it a full speed. It’s not scary. It’s just stupid, cruel and wrong. In fact, none of You’re Next scared me at all. Okay, so the animal masks are a bit scary. When people start dying in brutal, terrible ways (you can almost hear the ghoulish laughter of the crew on this one), the horror goes away. And, Jonathan cries…..

I hated this movie as a movie goer: I review movies because I love them. I love going to the theater, getting Bunch a Crunch, and enjoying the whole experience. So, when I see a movie that ruins that for me, I want to throw things. If a movie can even moderately entertain me, or tell a decent story, I’m willing to find some good points about the film.  You’re Next had nothing I could use. I enjoyed nothing about the experience.

I hated this film as someone who loves plot and intelligence. I combined these two because my rants go together.  The plot in this movie made me want to stand up in the theater and go, “Um, were you all on crystal meth when you wrote this movie? High? Prescription drugs? Model glue?”

As I said before, the set up seemed interesting and I started to really love the family tension. Then, once the killing starts, nothing makes any sense. You don’t understand why the main baddies killed everyone, especially with the “surprise” reveal at the end. (Pssst, not really a huge surprise). At that moment, the plot died and our nation mourned.

I hated this film as a human being. So much has been written on how slasher films dehumanize human beings. In general, I disagree with most of the points made. I’m an avid defender of the horror movie and novel. But, after seeing You’re Next, I’m forced to believe that some of these critiques may have valid points. See what you drove me to, makers of You’re Next? You made me agree with people who hate horror. I hate you for that. Really hate you.

I’ve tried to think of a more dehumanizing movie and I can’t think of one. I think Saw had more humanity, and I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence. Oh, there is one sorta sympathetic character in the film, the maybe one lone bright spot, Erin, the woman who fights back against the attackers. But even with her, we get no sense of danger nor do we care much about her. Sure, she kills a bunch of people which is supposed to make her a bad ass or something. I guess it does, sorta. I gave up caring about it, to be honest.

Blah.

Please avoid this film and don’t go see it. Please don’t encourage Hollywood to make more films like this. Please? Because, you see, I’ve got to go see these things and you’re torturing me. What I don’t get is how it has a fresh rating of 92 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. Sorry, fellow critics, you’re just flat wrong.

Ooooo, I think I came up with the next plot for the makers of You’re Next.

If you dare, You’re Next comes out in theaters August 25th. It’s rated R for extreme violence, sexuality, and nudity. It should have an added “FMA” rating (For Meth Addicts) as well…..