Gravitas: How to Gain Weight and Keep It On.

I received a note recently with a question about something I wrote on the subject of gravitas. (You can read the original article here.)

This isn’t the first time I’ve been contacted about that article. Once an officer in the United States Marine Corps went out of his way to let me know that the article was being circulated among the officers at his base.

I was gratified to hear that. I don’t think of myself as an authority on the subject, just someone who finds it worthwhile to think and write about. I suppose that proves that the quickest way to become an authority on a subject is by merely thinking and writing about something that no one else is talking about.

Anyway, what my correspondent wanted to know is this: are there things that will make you lose weight, lose gravitas in other words, and should he avoid doing those things? His specific concern has to do with his children. Is being nurturing somehow incompatible with gravitas?

Before I answer that I think it would good to review what gravitas is and why it is valuable.

The word gives us a place to start. Gravitas is weight, as in gravity. Put another way, gravitas makes it hard for people to take you lightly. It is especially helpful if you are a person in authority.

This raises something that I think gets in the way of seeing gravitas clearly. While being in a position of authority can lend you some weight, it won’t keep you from losing it. We’ve all know people who occupy serious positions who just can’t be taken seriously.

Let me step away from the metaphor and let’s look at the psychology of gravitas. People with gravitas have the ability to induce dread.

Now you know why people don’t talk about it. Who wants to be a heavy these days? (There it is again.) Gravitas is something that helps people in authority do their jobs. It is not something you look for in a friendship. And today everyone wants to be a friend. Even judges want to be your friend. A few years back I very unwillingly appeared for jury duty. The judge charged with orienting us wore jeans and sneakers beneath his robe (I wonder if he tried to get out of wearing even that). He said, “Just call me, Bob.” I thought to myself, “Bob, I don’t want to call you anything, I don’t even want to be here. I’m not your friend. I want to go home.” I didn’t say it out loud because there were some police officers nearby who didn’t look like they want to be my friends.

This brings me around to the original question. What about nurturance?

Here’s the bad news, if you think that nurture is all the world needs. Nurturance and gravitas do sit at opposite ends of a line. The closer you get to one, the further you will be from the other.

Now nurture is a good thing. But no one needs to defend that today. It is all we hear about. But gravitas is a good thing too. And someone needs to speak up for it. I suppose that means me.

Just the other day I saw a father pitifully trying to corral a couple of hyper-active little boys at church. He mildly, and impotently, asked them to behave. I was preoccupied in conversation, but I saw what was going on out of the corner of my eye. I let it ride for a while until I could see the guy was hopeless. So I just looked at them and said, “Boys!”–not loudly, but with authority. The boys stopped instantly, a little deflated, and I went back to my conversation.

I suppose I have gravitas. My wife, who was engaged in another conversation said, “See, all he needs to do is raise his voice a little and they stop.”

This has always come naturally to me, still I’ve wondered why. Here are a few thoughts.

Certain physical characteristics help

Being a man helps (but as the impotent father above demonstrated, it isn’t enough), having a low voice helps, being physically fit helps. But I’ve known short, overweight women with high voices who had a measure of gravitas, so there’s more to it than these things.

Knowing that you’re in charge helps

I don’t think gravitas can be reduced to techniques. I think it begins with the settled conviction that authority is a good thing, even an indispensable thing, and that you’ve got it.

Being willing to cut people off helps

There is one thing that you must be willing to do, and everyone must know you can do. You must be willing to cut people off. This is why nurturance and gravitas are at opposite ends of a line. Now you may be willing to do some mental gymnastics to reconcile the two. (Everything I’ve heard leaves me unconvinced.) You can even move up and down the line, being more or less nurturing depending upon the situation. But you will never be convincing if people know deep down that you don’t have it in you to cut someone off.

Naturally this means you are not a friend to your subordinates. (Does that word make you squirm a little?) When it comes to my children (I have three) I have never tried to be their friend. I’m their father. I have good reasons to believe they love me, but I know they respect me.

They are getting older now, and the nature of our relationship is changing. But I’m not a buddy, and I never will be. If you need a friend, go find one. If you’re a father you are absolutely indispensable as a father. Get used to it.

Finally, knowing you have competition helps

We live in a world dominated by large institutions. Those institutions want a monopoly on cultural authority. That’s why they marginalize and make light of parents, especially fathers. They encourage us to be mild, compliant, good-little-doobies. They want light, inconsequential fathers. It makes it easier for them to manipulate your kids. Don’t let them do it.

In traditional cultures gravitas is broadly disseminated because traditional cultures are made up of small, semi-autonomous institutions. And the most important of these institutions is the household. And the head of a traditional household is the pater familias.

Traditional fathers like me are considered an anachronism by many people. These are the same people who wonder why their daughters parade around like prostitutes and why their sons can’t get a job.

A couple of parting thoughts. 

First, helping your wife with the kids won’t rob you of gravitas if you keep the right mindset. Early on it will mean your kids will prefer the company of their mother when they’re hurt or in need of comfort. Don’t let it bother you. This isn’t a competition. And believe me, your kids will come to you later.

Second, there’s a reason people can’t take the Lord lightly. His glory is a crushing weight. In Hebrew kabod, the word we translate with the English, glory, means heavy. The regal weight of everyone in authority draws on his glory. He is its source.