“The Spirit Didn’t Move”: Passion Conference Scandalized

“The Spirit Didn’t Move”: Passion Conference Scandalized December 21, 2016

If you haven’t read The Babylon Bee, you can fix that by clicking here. For everyone else, here is my own attempt at writing a Babylon Bee article.
 

“The Spirit Didn’t Move”: Passion Conference Scandalized

Scandal erupts after the latest installment of Passion Conferences. Louie Giglio told the media, “The Spirit didn’t move. I don’t know what happened.” Spectators gave testimony about the Spirit’s silence. College senior Aaron Law said, “It’s obvious the lead worshipers didn’t find the micro-center of God’s will. They only played four Chris Tomlin songs. Maybe worse, they played Oceans way too early.”

Mixed reports emerged when a group of young men were seen crying at the end of one talk. Later, it was discovered that those tears where due to rumors that John Piper was considering becoming a six-point Calvinist after years of claiming to be a “seven-pointer.”

Crowder after alleged beard trim (Public Domain)

Shane & Shane offered their suggestion why the Spirit didn’t move. Shane said, “Crowder broke his Nazarite vows. We saw him trimming the end of his beard.” A restless group of young seminary students had other ideas. They speculate the Spirit was displeased because Beth Moore quoted The Message rather than use the ESV.

“Ever since One Day, the second One Day, even at the ninth One Day,” Giglio added, “the Spirit always showed up right on schedule, usually 3–4 songs into our set. I guess he hasn’t returned from the nations after we sent Him from our rally 2 months ago.”

Whatever the reason, we can be sure Matt Redmond will write a great song about it by next year’s One Day.
 

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