Max Lindenman has been on a roll with his essays lately, and his piece on people determined to fix the South is insightful as always. I especially like the bit about how the South is dragging the rest of the country down, and the US would be some Euro-Canadian paradise if it weren’t for those backwards folk wrecking our numbers. You’d almost think someone’s arguing for secession after all.
I’m not going to contest these claims. Let me assure you, the South is just awful. It’s terrible. We have guns and stuff, which is why every day is ten times bloodier than gangland Detroit. That’s probably why Southerners are so fat: All the funeral food. Racial tension is the worst anywhere, which is why the National Guard has had us all on lockdown, because it’s like Baltimore and Ferguson and Paris 1870 all rolled into one. Also we are so crazy religious they pass out snakes at the Welcome Centers so you’re ready for some snake-handlin’ at the tent revivals that are our only form of entertainment.
I’d also like to point out it’s hot here, so you should definitely never, ever, try to buy a home in this place. If real estate prices look too good to be true, they probably are, and you wouldn’t want to find that out yourself, would you?
Museums, symphonies, and garage bands are strictly illegal. Visual arts are allowed by special permit, but only approved images of ducks and Labrador retrievers. Also, “Southern Hospitality” is a code for “Everybody hates you and they probably poisoned your mint julep anyway.”
The South is awful. Just awful. No need to investigate, we’ve done it for you. This is no place for civilized folk like yourself. Trust us. And if you won’t take our word for it, just listen to what the media has to say. They stay far away from actual Southerners, and that’ll tell you everything right there.
So this century, consider a non-Southern destination. Canada thanks you, and so do we.
Photo: By Ewan Munro from London, UK (Skylon, South Bank, LondonUploaded by tm) [CC BY-SA 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons. It’s a Mint Julep. I’ve never seen one in real life, but apparently they have them in London. You might really like London.