Can I Celebrate Valentine’s Day On Ash Wednesday?

Question that’s been generating some unnecessary panic: Is it okay for a Catholic to celebrate Valentine’s day, birthdays, anniversaries, or other special events that happen to fall on Ash Wednesday or Good Friday?

Short answer: In the United States, at present yes in fact you can, though with some restrictions.

Here are the details.

#1 It’s always better to fast as fully as possible.

If your health and state in life allow it? Nothing but prayer, water, and works of mercy for you. (And the Eucharist of course!) That’s not a requirement, but it’s an ideal worth approaching. For some of you with a history of eating disorders or perfectionism-related mental health issues, your correct approach is to simply follow the rules set forth by your bishops’ conference and offer up your genuine sorrow that a stricter fast simply is not the prudent course.

#2 Your state in life makes a difference.

If you are clergy or religious, you have an obligation to immerse yourself in the liturgical life of the Church with a totality prescribed by whatever rule of life you are bound to follow.

If you are a lay person, your vocation is lived out in the context of family and community life, and you have wider room for discernment on what exactly that should look like on a holy day. There may be good, serious reasons that a celebration on-the-day is in fact a work of mercy on your part.

#3 Is it possible to reschedule?

Still, the goal is not to play “What can I get away with here?” If you can move an important life or work event to another day, do that.

As much as possible, we want to set aside Ash Wednesday and Good Friday as the sacred days that they are, leaving behind as many of our worldly attachments as we can. The kids will be *just fine* if you hand out the pink cupcakes a day early. Talk about a perfect teaching moment!

Likewise, in most dating and marriage relationships, your simply expressing a preference to move the celebration to a slightly different date will be a non-issue. The mere fact that you request it is all your loved one needs to hear, just like you are always quick to accommodate the preferences of those around you whenever possible.

#4 Can you do the thing without doing the thing?

If it’s just a little bit of a cake being passed around the office, you can hover during the brief festivities sipping water from your Yeti cup, and then gratefully accept your slice of cake and carefully wrap it up and put it in the fridge to save for later.

Not every celebration requires actually eating and drinking the celebratory foods. It’s fine to just watch and make merry on an empty stomach.

#5 What’s my real intention?

Nonetheless, we can think of situations where you might rightly discern that going along with a given celebration is the right thing to do. Examples:

Your spouse is very uncomfortable with your deepening practice of the faith, and would be saddened and alarmed if you moved Valentine’s dinner, which you two have always celebrated on the 14th for reasons that go way back to some important traditions and memories in your marriage. Out of love for your spouse and a desire to not create a stumbling block to the faith, you resolve to celebrate your special day together cheerfully and without hang-ups.
You forgot to check the calendar last fall before setting the date for your Baptist great-grandma’s 99th birthday party. There is no way on earth you’d cancel on the biggest event the senior center is going to see all year.
Your employees have been through a rough time lately, and everyone is (genuinely!) looking forward to that big thing the facilities team put together to honor some colleagues who really went the extra mile. You didn’t pick the date, and you wouldn’t dream of letting these guys down after everything they put into it.

You can think of other situations. The decision to go ahead with the celebration isn’t about you wanting to slack off on your spiritual discipline, it’s about respecting the real emotional needs of others around you.

If we lived in a totally-Catholic society this wouldn’t be a factor. But we don’t. Perhaps the fact of our nation’s cultural and religious pluralism is one reason the US bishops have set their fasting guidelines as they have.

#6 There are still limits.

Your celebratory meal needs to meet two requirements:

No overeating.
No meat.

That’s it. By the US bishop’s guidelines for fasting, you are permitted one full (normal) meal on the fast day. Alternately, if you are joining your loved ones for just that slice of cake or a few chocolates, it can be part of one (or both) of your two allowed snacks that together make less than a complete second meal.

Yes, you could have dessert, if you eat less of the dinner so that you aren’t over-stuffing yourself. Yes you could drink that glass of wine or mocktail, ditto. If you go to one of those restaurants where the portions are huge, you need to either leave the extra on your plate or else request a to-go box and eat the remainder tomorrow.

And yes, you need to skip the meat and go with the fish or the vegetarian option. At Great-Grandma’s barbecue birthday luncheon, you will need to discretely manage to eat only the rice and the vegetables, no pork or chicken or brisket, and yeah even pick out the obvious lumps of bacon in those collards, so maybe it would be smart to call the caterers and get a tray of catfish added to the menu.

And you don’t get to pout about it, either. Man up, eat your greens without drawing attention to yourself, and silently thank God that at least the bishops haven’t outlawed banana pudding.

On the other hand, you do not need to scruple over sauces or soup stock made from animal products, but which aren’t meat themselves. It’s legal. (Hash, my friends, is not legal. Sorry. But you knew that.)

Finally, it is essential to remember that it is still a day of prayer and fasting. Be joyful and fully present to those you love during your time together, but during those hours of the day that are yours to do with as you please, dedicate your holy day to prayer and penance.

#7 You set your own rules for your personal Lenten penance.

So does all this mean you can have cake and chocolate candy and brownies on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday? What??

Well, that’s up to you. It’s your job to discern what specific penances you wish to take on above and beyond what is strictly required, and it is your job to decide if you should make exceptions to those penances.

It’s quite possible you shouldn’t have cake ever, because you know that it’s terrible for your (personal) health, and the people who love you wish you wouldn’t. Nothing celebrates 99 years, or the lifelong marital commitment, or appreciation for the people who spend large parts of their lives working alongside you, like doing your best to be there, healthy as possible, for those you love.

It’s also possible that everyone’s just happy you could come, and nobody cares whether you have the cake. So skip it.

Likewise, consider that people around you might be genuinely inspired by your example if you are able to share their joy while also (without drawing attention) denying yourself in accordance with the spirit of the sacred season. Your act of self-denial may evangelize people you had no idea were noticing.

But if that chocolate candy or that cake are in fact not a problem for you physically, and it would be really meaningful to your loved ones to share that moment of celebration with you? Yes, you are in charge.

You decide what your personal Lenten penances will be, and then you decide when it’s best to stay the course without exception, and when, in contrast, setting aside your planned penance is in fact a work of mercy.

Related: