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Adult Onset Calvinism

Adult Onset Calvinism October 11, 2015

OK, I’m not so sure this is “Calvinism” per se but it is a kind of popular Calvinism. But the article’s listing of early warning signs of adult onset Calvinism gets to common experiences (I’ve deleted a few). My experience with this sort of young theologian was an argumentativeness, a desire to turn every conversation to these issues and to get argumentative, and the development of a harsh critical attitude toward all who don’t think this way.

Anyway, this is funny more than anything else. Enjoy.

By Stephen Altrogge:

To help you navigate the treacherous waters of AOC, I’ve listed the possible symptoms you may encounter.

  • A sudden urge to correct everything and everyone all the time about every possible thing.
  • A growing conviction that every worship song you’ve ever sung is heretical and should be excised from the church catalog, including the Nicene Creed, Doxology, and most of the Psalms.
  • A strange and inexplicable ability to listen to 300 John Piper sermons in a single day.
  • A burning passion to convert everyone, especially your extremely godly parents WHO TAUGHT YOU THE BIBLE, to Calvinism.
  • Deep suspicion of anything that might cause the slightest bit of emotion in church, especially those awful worship songs noted above.
  • Deep-seated cynicism toward anyone who doesn’t take a hard stance on an issue, including but not limited to: free will, Calvinism, sports, coffee, the Trinity, capitalism, child schooling, and dating.
  • An unshakeable conviction that Tim Keller is too theologically soft.
  • The ability to bring every conversation full circle to Romans 9.
  • Frustration that guys like Piper and Sproul don’t draw more lines in the sand.
  • Inevitably arriving at the conclusion that John Calvin was not that strong of a Calvinist. At least, not as strong as you are.

  • Growing a beard, but not in a hipster way! This beard is WAY DIFFERENT from hipster beards, because it tapers to a point somewhere between the nipples, just like Calvin’s beard did.

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