Top 10 Qualities to Look for in a Wife

My wife and I recently celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary. If you’re a single guy thinking about getting married, might I suggest, based on my experience, that you marry a woman who possesses the following ten qualities?

1. So smart she constantly freaks you out with her humongous Absorb-O-Brain.

Upside: Hanging around with a smart person makes you smarter. Up to a point, of course. But still.

Downside: Smart people remember everything. Pretty mixed blessing.

2. So wise she makes Confucius look like Goober Pyle.

Upside: Your own private oracle!

Downside: Wise people are extremely good at anticipating the outcome of things that slightly less wise people do. Not always entirely gratifying.

3. So perfectly matches your idea of heart-stoppingly gorgeous that just looking at her wipes every thought out of your head.

Upside: Constant aesthetic revelation.

Downside: It’s rude to stare.

4. So compassionate she regularly makes you feel like Ivan the Terrible.

Upside: Constantly getting to see the highest aspect of human nature in action.

Downside: Basically stuck having to do the right thing all the time seriously cuts into TV-watching time.

5. So funny you can barely stand it.

Upside: Never-ending yuks!

Downside: Getting all the jokes means really paying attention, always. Worth it, yes. But still.

6. An indefatigable worker.

Upside: Stuff gets done.

Downside: Guilt for not helping with work can seriously interfere with naps.

7. The greatest artist you know you’ll ever meet.

Upside: (Relatively) free art!

Downside: A wife who’s driven by stuff you can’t even begin to understand.

8. Shares your spiritual values.

Upside: Duh.

Downside: None.

9. Is certain that the best thing to be had in life is a good marriage.

Upside: Willing to work to achieve a great relationship.

Downside: Willing to make you work to achieve a great relationship.

10. Absolutely without agenda or ambition for you beyond that you’re happy.

Upside: No nagging! Ever.

Downside: You have to decide what really makes you happy. Much trickier than it seems.

So remember, guys. To ensure a happy, long-lasting marriage, all you have to do is marry a woman who is smart, wise, beautiful, compassionate, funny, hard-working, aesthetically inspired, spiritual, passionately desirous of a good marriage, and has virtually no “ambitions” for you beyond that you’re happy.

That’s what I did, anyway. Sure worked for me.