I’ll Bet People Magazine Doesn’t Even Return My Photos

I’ll Bet People Magazine Doesn’t Even Return My Photos November 19, 2009

Are you kidding me, People magazine? This guy is your 2009 “Sexiest Man Alive”?! Oh, come on. He looks like one of the Village People on drugs. And his being on drugs would explain why Johnny No-Depth here is clearly hallucinating that he’s on a polar bear rug with a roaring fireplace behind him.

Plus—hello, People magazine: anyone there own a calendar? Because you should know 2009 isn’t even over yet. There’s still plenty of time left this year for a sexier guy than this to come along. The wino who lives in the park by my house would do. He actually dresses better than Mr. Raggedy Dandy here.

Okay, fine. I admit it. I’m bitter. Of course I am. Because I applied for People magazine’s 2009 Sexiest Man Alive contest, too. But did I win? No. Did any of the flack hacks at People even acknowledge the photo package I sent them (along with a list of my favorite things to do, and a sample of my favorite men’s cologne that was on a page I tore from a GQ?) No.

Sure, I gained a little weight this year. I know that. But unlike Johnny Diptstick’s, at least my bulges are real. And sure, I, too, could have taken a tip from the Popeye the Sailor Ham school of fashion, and used a kitchen towel to cover my receding hairline. I could have Photoshopped in some pec def; I could have torn the perfect little hole in my T-shirt. But that kind of chicanery is for losers, man. The photos I sent in were of a real man, man. The holes in my T-shirt were real. The bald spot you could see in the picture I took in my bathroom was real.

And do you think Johnny Depp took the trouble to write “Vote 4 Me!” in his wet back hair? I don’t either. But I did that. Because that’s how much I care.

But he wins 2009’s “Sexiest Man of the Year,” while I didn’t even save copies of the photos I sent in for the same contest.

Oh, well. It’s their loss.

And, needless to say, yours.


Fan me, baby

"I am sure someone is trying to keep straight face for when they see the ..."

The fundamentally toxic Christianity
"https://uploads.disquscdn.c...and Clippy cusses them out equally."

The fundamentally toxic Christianity
"You lost my interest as soon as you mentioned you were vegetarian (virtue signalling to ..."

A Christian grandmother nails the transgender ..."
"Sweden has a tradition of punishing those who speak out or publish papers on the ..."

A Christian grandmother nails the transgender ..."

Browse Our Archives

TRENDING AT PATHEOS Progressive Christian
What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Casey

    I don't know John, with out proof of your pictures, I think we're just gonna have to trust People's Magazine's choice. And I'm sure they were doing this alphabetically too. By last names. Which explains why he won. (that and he's sexy as helll….. but I digress. haha)

  • I don't trust him. He's a narc (remember 21 Jump Street?)

  • Man, its uncanny how much Depp looks like me.

  • Kelly Lynn Mosher

    "Attractive" is so multi-faceted. Give me somma that Shore-type love for Jesus with humor to boot? Oh yeah.

  • Dude, it's all about politics. His past roles have won him support with pirates, Oompa Loompas and Headless Horsemen from Hell – fully 90% of the magazine's readership.

  • Casey

    see? Derek completely explains it. So you’ve got religion and humor and you’re awesome. big deal. He’s got a ship, a jar of dirt, an entire factory of candy, and he gets to investigate ghost stories. All while killing people in a barber shop. haha.

  • Casey

    and he does it in SONG. haha.

  • Lynn

    LOL John 🙂

  • Perhaps they were being sentimental and recalling James Whitcomb Riley’s poem from their infancy?

    The Raggedy Man by James Whitcomb Riley

    O the Raggedy Man! He works fer Pa;

    An’ he’s the goodest man ever you saw!

    He comes to our house every day,

    An’ waters the horses, an’ feeds ’em hay;

    An’ he opens the shed — an’ we all ist laugh

    When he drives out our little old wobble-ly calf;

    An’ nen — ef our hired girl says he can —

    He milks the cow fer ‘Lizabuth Ann. —

    Ain’t he a’ awful good Raggedy Man?

    Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man!

    W’y, The Raggedy Man — he’s ist so good,

    He splits the kindlin’ an’ chops the wood;

    An’ nen he spades in our garden, too,

    An’ does most things ‘at boys can’t do. —

    He clumbed clean up in our big tree

    An’ shooked a’ apple down fer me —

    An’ ‘nother ‘n’, too, fer ‘Lizabuth Ann —

    An’ ‘nother ‘n’, too, fer The Raggedy Man. —

    Ain’t he a’ awful kind Raggedy Man?

    Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man!

    An’ The Raggedy Man one time say he

    Pick’ roast’ rambos from a’ orchurd-tree,

    An’ et ’em — all ist roast’ an’ hot! —

    An’ it’s so, too! — ’cause a corn-crib got

    Afire one time an’ all burn’ down

    On “The Smoot Farm,” ’bout four mile from town —

    On “The Smoot Farm”! Yes — an’ the hired han’

    ‘At worked there nen ‘uz The Raggedy Man! —

    Ain’t he the beatin’est Raggedy Man?

    Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man!

    The Raggedy Man’s so good an’ kind

    He’ll be our “horsey,” an’ “haw” an’ mind

    Ever’thing ‘at you make him do —

    An’ won’t run off — ‘less you want him to!

    I drived him wunst way down our lane

    An’ he got skeered, when it ‘menced to rain,

    An’ ist rared up an’ squealed and run

    Purt’ nigh away! — an’ it’s all in fun!

    Nen he skeered ag’in at a’ old tin can …

    Whoa! y’ old runaway Raggedy Man!

    Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man!

    An’ The Raggedy Man, he knows most rhymes,

    An’ tells ’em, ef I be good, sometimes:

    Knows ’bout Giunts, an’ Griffuns, an’ Elves,

    An’ the Squidgicum-Squees ‘at swallers the’rselves:

    An’, wite by the pump in our pasture-lot,

    He showed me the hole ‘at the Wunks is got,

    ‘At lives ‘way deep in the ground, an’ can

    Turn into me, er ‘Lizabuth Ann!

    Er Ma, er Pa, er The Raggedy Man!

    Ain’t he a funny old Raggedy Man?

    Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man!

    An’ wunst, when The Raggedy Man come late,

    An’ pigs ist root’ thue the garden-gate,

    He ‘tend like the pigs ‘uz bears an’ said,

    “Old Bear-shooter’ll shoot ’em dead!”

    An’ race’ an’ chase’ ’em, an’ they’d ist run

    When he pint his hoe at ’em like it’s a gun

    An’ go “Bang! — Bang!” nen ‘tend he stan’

    An’ load up his gun ag’in! Raggedy Man!

    He’s an old Bear-shooter Raggedy Man!

    Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man!

    An’ sometimes The Raggedy Man lets on

    We’re little prince-children, an’ old King’s gone

    To git more money, an’ lef’ us there —

    And Robbers is ist thick ever’where;

    An’ nen — ef we all won’t cry, fer shore —

    The Raggedy Man he’ll come and “‘splore

    The Castul-halls,” an’ steal the “gold” —

    An’ steal us, too, an’ grab an’ hold

    An’ pack us off to his old “Cave”! — An’

    Haymow’s the “cave” o’ The Raggedy Man! —

    Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man!

    The Raggedy Man — one time, when he

    Wuz makin’ a little bow-‘n’-orry fer me,

    Says “When you’re big like your Pa is,

    Air you go’ to keep a fine store like his —

    An’ be a rich merchunt — an’ wear fine clothes? —

    Er what air you go’ to be, goodness knows?”

    An’ nen he laughed at ‘Lizabuth Ann,

    An’ I says “‘M go’ to be a Raggedy Man! —

    I’m ist go’ to be a nice Raggedy Man!”

    Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man!

  • I agree with Casey in comment #1