Are you tired of catching your wife looking at you like you’re an escaped monkey from the zoo that she deeply regrets letting follow her home? I was, too! And that is why, after being married for more than thirty years, I can definitely recommend to any man seeking to make of himself an ideal husband these 10 tips:
1. Embrace your wrongness. In the course of disagreeing with our wives, what many of we men fail to realize is that, invariably, inevitably, and indubitably, we are wrong. That’s just the way it is, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Men are bigger, hairier, stronger, and wronger. It’s a fact we should just get used to. God knows our wives have.
2. Stop fidgeting while your wife’s talking to you. It really is rude, and you know it. If you don’t stop doing that, then one day, when your wife starts talking to you about her day, you’re going to start distractedly fiddling with your cell phone, game controller, or the remote, and she’s going to suddenly shriek, lunge, and stab you in the forehead with a fork.
3. Remember that your tone does too matter. You know how in arguments with your wife, you keep thinking that if she would just focus on what you’re saying, instead of on how you’re saying it, then she’d see how right you are? Yeah, that’s never going to happen. She needs to know you still love her as you’re yelling at her. Women are funny like that.
4. Have actual opinions. Women like men who are clear on what they think, and why they think it. Men, though, enjoy endlessly waffling. Well, waffles are for kids. Stop it. Commit to thoughts, ideas, and decisions. Sure, you’ll be wrong about whatever it is you decide to think or do. But you’ll be attractively wrong. Wrong, but studly. It’s the American way.
5. Give her presents. Most women (being human) love to receive gifts. But men tend to be unkeen on giving gifts, since doing so takes time, money and effort. Worst of all is the idea that you have to give your wife a gift on, say Valentine’s Day—that you’re thoroughly expected to do so. Making the giving of a romantic gift compulsory automatically invalidates the very spirit of that giving: it actually makes such gifts a manipulative insult. And those right there are your two choices: Do what she wants and give her a gift, or be right. And what have we already learned about you being right?6. Stop being so hormonally crazed. Well, at least try to stop being so hormonally crazed. Okay, try to be less hormonally crazed. Okay, forget it. Just try not to get arrested.
7. Stop complaining about your job. Men love to talk about—and especially to complain about—their jobs. Though often seemingly infinite in their patience and empathy, women do have their limits. You’ll know you’ve reached your wife’s when, as you are telling her about your day, she starts to fidget with her cell phone, game controller, or the remote.
8. Get okay with being late. Women have an internal guide that tells them which things it’s okay to be late for, and which things it’s not. Unfortunately, that guide is written in ancient Venusian. You don’t read ancient Venusian. You don’t read any Venusian. Men’s need to just sit and patiently wait is why God invented Angry Birds.
9. Never, ever, ever tell your wife how to behave in public. If you enjoy publicly directing others on how to behave, stick with children and dogs. But never admonish your wife in that way. Unless you also enjoy sudden puncture wounds in your forehead. Then go for it.
10. When your wife is trying to get ready for work don’t keep bugging her to give you some good ideas for a “10 Tips” list you’re writing. Trust me on this one.
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