Yesterday I wrote St. Patrick: The Most Famous Stoned Druid of All. And then today, taped to my computer, scribbled with green ink in letters so small I practically went blind reading them, I found this!:
Dear Mr. Shore:
Ho, ho, ho
Hee hee hee
With a kick of my heel
I could shatter your knee.
I’m not likely to do it;
Our type’s not that mean
Though it would bring us great pleasure
To hear how you’d scream.
That last post you wrote
Making fun of St. Patty
Made us want to ask you
“Now who’s your daddy?”
You thought it was fun
To make light of our hero
How do you sleep,
You absolute zero?
But we are nice folk,
forgiving and kind,
So we’ll let this one go;
We’ll leave it behind.
But please heed my words:
If you do that once more
You’ll find that your shoes
Have been nailed to the floor.
Your bleach will tip over,
Your socks disappear
And the gas in your car
Will turn into green beer.
We’ll pull up your flowers
Dishevel your yard
You’ll find your wood flooring
all terribly marred.
Your food will taste funny,
Your faucets will leak
We’ll kill all your houseplants
Your carpets will reek.
Your computer will fail you,
Your DVD’s scratched!
Your CD’s are ruined!
Your wallet’s been snatched.
You’ll find dirt in your oatmeal;
You’ll trip when you jog;
We’ll leave you no doubt
As to who shaved your dog.
If you’d like to avoid this
And sidestep the strife
Just write something decent
For once in your life.
*******************************
This piece is included in HA!, a full-sized collection of five years worth of my best humor. If you are a Kindle owner and a member of Amazon Prime, you can borrow HA! for free, with no due dates. (If you don’t own a Kindle, here’s where to get one. To learn more about Amazon Prime—and to get a one-month free trial—go here. )
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