Is she addicted to pornography?

Hi John,

You seem to be one to never shy away from difficult topics, so I hope this one isn’t too much. Something that has been plaguing me a long time is porn. You see I am a gay woman. A common response from within the LGBT community to others who are still “questioning” is to watch some porn. Try some straight, some gay, some lesbian—see what turns you on the most and notice your reaction to each type.

At the outset, this actually sounded like it might work. Problem is, I’m a Christian, and porn is bad; a sin, right? After much internal agonizing, I decided that viewing one or two clips couldn’t hurt. So I took the plunge and watched a few, hoping for a concrete answer. I got the answer: yeah — I’m definitely not straight. But I opened up a new can of worms. Now that I know about my sexuality, I find I really enjoy watching porn. So much so, that I’m afraid of becoming addicted. I try to console myself that it is better than being promiscuous myself–right? So now I’m stuck dealing with this sin thing. I’ve finally begun to move beyond believing my orientation is a sin (although I’m still not sure about the concept of “acting on it”). Watching porn however, definitely feels like a sin. I think I have stepped into a probable lifelong struggle. Thanks for listening.

Wow. I have just about no idea how to respond to this letter. For one, it’s all about a topic that I pretty assiduously do avoid writing about, which is porn.

There used to be that social adage about how you should never discuss religion or politics. But out here in the daily chat-fest that is the world-wide cyberspace cafe, religion and politics is about all anyone does talk about.

But sex? Not so much. Not here, anyway. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in five years of blogging, it’s to never write anything at all about sex or porn. People lose their freakin’ minds. (Even in my recent I have HAD it with this mother*$#@ porn on this mother#@#* plane!, you’ll notice I never actually say anything besides, “It’s still not okay to look at porn in public, right?” Cuz I’m artful like that.)

But here this person has written me, with what sounds like a pretty significant concern of hers. So now … what to do?

I was going to just run her letter, and then say, “So, people, what do you think?” But that’s … less than artful. (Though you better believe I do want to hear your responses to her.)

So. Let’s think.

Well, her question doesn’t have anything at all to do with the morality of porn, right?

Oh, crap. It does.

Okay, here’s what I’d like to try. I’m going to below run her letter again. Instead of afterwards answering it as a whole, I’ll insert right into it, sentence by sentence, whatever response I have. That way maybe … I dunno. But let’s try:

Hi John, [Hi!]

You seem to be one to never shy away from difficult topics [Wrong–but thanks!], so I hope this one isn’t too much. [I’m sure it won’t be!] Something that has been plaguing me a long time is porn.  [Something that’s been plaguing everyone for a long time is porn.] You see I am a gay woman. [Cool.] A common response from within the LGBT community to others who are still “questioning” is to watch some porn. [Really? I’ve never heard that. But duh. Totally makes sense.]  Try some straight, some gay, some lesbian—see what turns you on the most and notice your reaction to each type. [Again: totally reasonable. I’ve watched gay man-porn before. Impossibly enough, I think it made me even more straight.]

At the outset, this actually sounded like it might work. Problem is, I’m a Christian, and porn is bad; a sin, right? [No. Well, saying “porn is a sin” is like saying, “water is fun.” Depends on the entire context of the consideration. Playing on a slip ‘n slide is fun; drowning in a freezing ocean isn’t. Two people in love making love isn’t wrong; essentially forcing drug-addled people to have sex for money is extremely wrong. But, given the dynamics of your individual concern here, I don’t think it’s a sin for you to watch some porn.]

After much internal agonizing, I decided that viewing one or two clips couldn’t hurt. So I took the plunge and watched a few hoping, for a concrete answer. [Wow! I wonder how this will come out!] I got the answer: yeah — I’m definitely not straight. [Right. Well, that would do it.] But I opened up a new can of worms. Now that I know about my sexuality, I find I really enjoy watching porn. [No way! That is too funny.] So much so, that I’m afraid of becoming addicted. [Oh. Well, that’s obviously not funny. Sorry.]

I try to console myself that it is better than being promiscuous myself–right? [Of course right. but … it’s not like your choices in life are to either watch porn or be promiscuous. you can do both; you can do neither, etc. But you knew that.] So now I’m stuck dealing with this sin thing. [What sin thing? You mean that you’re sinning by watching porn? I don’t think you are. If you contact me in two years to tell me your life has fallen apart because all you ever do anymore is stay inside and watch porn, I’ll encourage you to think you’ve got a problem. But for now I think it’s a very safe bet that God will have no problem whatsoever with you, as you’re learning about and exploring your sexuality—which you should do, which is important—viewing some porn].

I’ve finally begun to move beyond believing my orientation is a sin (although I’m still not sure about the concept of “acting on it”). [Well, get sure about that. You’re gay. That’s perfectly fine; it is not a sin. You get to be fully and happily gay, the same as I get to be fully and happily straight. I get to have first girlfriends, and then a partner for life; you get to have first girlfriends, and then a partner for life. Those are the rules, no matter what any narrow-mined fools might tell you. You have a right to your sexuality; not being sure about that absolutely will ruin your life. Believe that now, or on your deathbed wish you had.] Watching porn however, definitely feels like a sin. [Well, you’re talking about your libido here—about your sex drive. That’s … a whole huge universe of extremely complex dynamics and dimensions. For now, just keep it simple. When you want to watch some porn, watch some porn. Experience it. Think about it. Track what about it you do not process as sin, and why; and track what about it does feel to you like sin, and why. You will, by nature, be discerning; you’re not going to run outside and start sexually molesting women, or anything. Give your self some time around this whole thing. You’ll find your balance.] I think I have stepped into a probable lifelong struggle. [Well, dealing with sex and sexuality is a lifelong struggle, for virtually everybody. We’re all crazed sex machines, basically: what to actually do about that—how to handle that, how to balance that with the rest of your emotional needs, how to … not end up getting arrested all the time for masturbating in public, etc.—is an ongoing concern for everyone. Trust this: if you end up feeling guilty for the fact that you watch whatever amount of porn you do, you will have officially joined 99% of the human race. The truth is that that kind of guilt—that level of guilt, for exactly that degree of “transgression” or indulgence—is just part of life. It’s can’t be escaped. While down here on earth, we will do earthy things.]

Thanks for listening. [You’re welcome! Thanks for writing!]

Right. So that worked out pretty well.

[Oh: the picture I used to illustrate this post is from an episode of “The Family Guy,” in which Glen Quagmire discovers Internet porn. It is Quagmire stepping out his house for the first time following that discovery.]