Get thee behind me, Santa!

[READER ADVISORY ALERT: Joke. The below is a joke, with the funny and the laughing and the ho-hoing.]

Don’t we Christians want the primary focus of Christmas to be Christ? And don’t all the Pagan Party People pestering us with their perniciously pervasive propaganda promoting puerile, pea-brained positivity want the primary focus of Christmas to be Santa Claus?

And doesn’t that mean that Santa Claus’s true identify is Satan, the ultimate anti-Christ?

Why yes, it does.

Ho, ho, ho, indeed!

The gall of the Prince of Darkness, pretending to be jolly!

Santa being Satan certainly explains a lot. It explains the red suit, for one. And also the flying reindeer. Remember how totally frightening the flying monkeys were in The Wizard of Oz? Clearly, making mammals fly is an earmark of the deeply malevolent. (And we can see what an amateur the Wicked Witch was compared to Satan Claus. Think about it. Which would you rather have flying overhead, 15-pound monkeys or 400-pound reindeers?)

And what about Santa’s elves? An elf is nothing but a gnome with good PR. And everyone knows that gnomes are deviants who thrill at creating havoc. I used to live in a cabin in the woods that became infested with gnomes. Believe me, that is not something you want to happen. (And if it ever does happen to you, here’s a tip: forget using Raid’s GnomeMotel.™ That product is useless. I set one in a corner of my living room, and woke up the next morning to find those bowlegged little miscreants had built on to the thing. They had built this little jacuzzi—and a freakin’ deck. I mean, c’mon. The workmanship was just awful. And no wonder: typically, there were all these little airplane-size bottles of booze left lying everywhere on the floor. Terrible. To get rid of them, I finally just borrowed my neighbor’s two rottweilers. Boy. Was that ever not pretty.)

And look how closely Santa and Satan’s names are spelled! Proof a’ plenty! And Santa/Satan isn’t the only diabolic anagram going on with their names. Rearrange the letters in “Saint Nick” and what do you get? That’s right: Sick Taint. Do the same with the letters of “Kris Kringle,” and you get nothing less than Sir Grinlekk—which only a fool wouldn’t agree sounds like it could totally be the name of a wizard from one of the Harry Potter books!

Santa Claus. Satan’s Cause. Satan’s claws.

None of this is even a little subtle. I’m surprised that children around the world don’t believe that every Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney, leaves a bunch of presents, and steals their souls. And kicks their pets on the way out.

Plus, everyone knows that Satan’s whole thing is to make people believe the exact opposite of the truth. And as we all know Hades is about as far south as it gets. So where, conveniently, does “Santa” live?

But of course: the North Pole.

And do I even need to mention how wrong it is to teach kids to associate getting great things for free with breaking and entering? How long is it before any Christmas-inculcated child with any initiative at all thinks to himself, “Hmm. Santa goes down chimneys while people are asleep. I could go through windows while people are on vacation. Why shouldn’t every day be Christmas for me?” Not long at all, I say.

The Christmas season is now officially upon us. Let us become ever more vigilant against the evil that tries to distract us from its true meaning. Christmas is about Christ—period. And that is why I, for one, will be prepared throughout this entire Christmas season to, at any given moment, stand proudly straight, point accusingly, and cry at the top of my lungs:

“Get thee behind me, Santa!”