Christian Polyamory?

The other day I got in this email, with the subject line Christian Polyamory?

Hi John,

I’ve been trained doctrinally as a teacher for the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod, and am an active member of the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America. About eight years ago I was introduced to the concept of polyamory, but the concept didn’t make complete sense to me until this past December.

Is it possible to love more than one woman fully at the same time? This concept keeps showing up in numerous news articles, and I’m just feeling like I’m crazy, as my wife and I have a common friend whom we both “love.” I’ve approached my wife with the possibility that polyamory exists, and I’ve also done a lot of research and digging into this concept, especially into scripture. My finding is that it is perfectly possible to love more than one woman at the same time, but culturally it is unacceptable.

My wife sees no positives in this situation, as we would lose our Christian witness. And I’m partial to agree with her that even though I know I am capable of loving more than one person completely and intimately, I should restrain myself out of my respect to fellow believers, so that they don’t stumble.

I care so deeply for this friend that it almost feels like it’s my first true case of feeling agape towards another person that is not a specific member of my family. I’m just so torn about this, knowing that living in a polyamorous relationship is possible but not likely to ever happen in my lifetime. Just wondering what insight you have on it. Thanks.

So … okay. Let me re-run the above, with what went through my head as I was reading it inserted in bracketed blue.

I’ve been trained doctrinally as a teacher for the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod [oh no: the scary Lutherans!], and am an active member of the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America [yay! the good Lutherans!]. About eight years ago I was introduced to the concept of polyamory, but the concept didn’t make complete sense to me until this past December. [I’m now so totally wondering what you got for Christmas.]

Is it possible to love more than one woman fully at the same time? [annnnd my alarm bell just went off.] This concept keeps showing up in numerous news articles [perhaps he’s read my 1 Man, 2 Women in a Polyamorous Relationship, or My Sister is in a Three-Person Relationship; What Should I Do?], and I’m just feeling like I’m crazy, as my wife and I have a common friend whom we both “love.” [Why is “love” in quote marks? Unclear on basic punctuation, or Actually Ironic? Money’s on the former. But let’s see.]

I’ve approached my wife with the possibility that polyamory exists [now there’s a conversation I’d like to have overheard. “Say, honey, I’m not sure—and I’m certainly not saying this for any particular reason at all—but I think it’s just possible that something called “polyamory” exists. My goodness but you look pretty this evening.”], and I’ve also done a lot of research and digging into this concept, especially into scripture. [The back of my neck is starting to itch.] My finding is that it is perfectly possible to love more than one woman at the same time [gee, I’m so surprised to hear that’s what you found], but culturally it is unacceptable [it’s just exhausting to think of all the research this guy must have done].

My wife sees no positives in this situation [what situation? did I miss something?], as we would lose our Christian witness. [Have you looked in the basement? Maybe you left him or her down there. I once lost a Christian witness. Turned out I’d left him at a 7-11.] And I’m partial to agree with her that even though I know I am capable of loving more than one person completely and intimately, I should restrain myself out of my respect to fellow believers, so that they don’t stumble. [My dislike of you has now become almost epic.]

I care so deeply for this friend that it almost feels like it’s my first true case of feeling agape towards another person that is not a specific member of my family. [A: if it’s agape love you feel for this other woman, then you don’t have a problem; and B: what’s this about how you love this other woman the way you do members of your family? You know what? I’m just gonna go with English not being your first language. God, I hope that’s it.]

I’m just so torn about this, knowing that living in a polyamorous relationship is possible but not likely to ever happen in my lifetime. Just wondering what insight you have on it. Thanks. [My insight is that you should (children: avert your eyes) stop fondling your dick through your pants pocket. You’ve got a wife. Put your attention there. I think you’re really just looking for a way to have an affair. Stop doing that.]