She’s having an affair with her pastor’s wife

Got this in yesterday. My response is below it.

Dear John,

I just have to tell someone I don’t know and someone I trust will give good advice as this is gnawing at me and there’s not going to be much left at this rate of erosion.

I am a lesbian, not openly so, and I am the mistress of my pastor’s wife. We became friends, then good friends, and then one time whilst sitting on the couch I leant across to get some nachos, brushed her thigh in doing so and rather than enjoying the infusion of cheese, salsa and chips, I got the most perfect kiss.

I truly do love her but I know that we are in a pickle, as Shakespeare aptly said. We’re in a fundamentalist church in a conservative area and I don’t want to be the source of pain for her children. I can’t imagine not having her in my life but I fear that my selfishness will ruin hers. My dream is to be with her, openly and freely. She shares that dream with me, yet neither of us have the courage to take the plunge. I don’t want to simply have stolen moments. I want to love her wholly.

I don’t know what to do. I’m confused but I know she is more. Please help us both, in anyway you can. It’ll be greatly appreciated.

God bless, …

Love is a beautiful thing. Adulterous love, however, is not. Adulterous love is based upon lies, and love and lying go together like peaches and boric acid.

If you really love the woman, don’t make a liar out of her. Don’t do that to her, her children, her husband, your church, or yourself. Continuing your affair is like planting a bomb under her house—and then standing on the porch until the thing explodes. No good. Only harm and destruction can result.

Your love with her is either real or it’s not. If it’s real, it will wait until she has done the right thing, and is free from her marriage. If it’s not real, then your affair is only what amounts to fun. And fun is no reason to destroy lives.

If your goal is to be with her “openly and freely,” then you must break it off with her until she has been open with her husband, and is free of him.

Shun the drama, let love be love, and honor that love by refusing to steep it in lies and deception. The rest is up to her. Tell her that you won’t be with her until she’s left her husband (not that that will be easy: I’m familiar with the dynamics of Christian fundamentalism and its churches), and you’ll find out how real the love between you really is. And isn’t that something you’d rather know sooner than later?

[UPDATE]: The woman who wrote me the letter just sent me an email. It reads:

Dear John,

Thank you for answering my letter and for the advice. I felt the need to comment back to those who responded, to both clear up a few things and to thank them. I could not work out how to post anonymously on your blog and it’s something I really need to keep safe, not just for myself. Would it be possible to post this comment somewhere please? I’d be grateful.

Thank you all for your comments, advice and input. I’ve tracked the comments across Facebook and here. It’s not been an easy read, but worthwhile things are often worthwhile because they’re challenging. I didn’t realize I would cause such a ruckus either, so I apologize to anyone offended or incensed through my letter.

My heart deep down knew what John’s advice would be, I suppose it just needed confirmation and a bit of a kick. I will attempt to end the affair, sooner rather than later. I know that my actions are causing hurt, something that love is not meant to do.

There was no “hitting on” one another, from either side. [Some jagweed pastor on my FB page responded to this post with the thoughtful, “The lesbian woman needs to get lost and find someone else to hit on who is not married and does not have children!”, which I just deleted.] It was stumbled into. I admit, I am a flirt and I probably gave out signals but I did not know that she is a lesbian until the first kiss.

I know having an affair is wrong and messy and ends up hurting people, but such knowledge doesn’t stop people from committing sin, like it didn’t stop me. As bad as it may sound, I will be honest and state that I do not regret the physical side of our “relationship” nor falling in love with her. She is a beautiful woman who is trapped and ultimately, I may not be able to free her, more just reinforcing the fact that she is caught up in something that is difficult to escape.

I will be sharing this post with her when I tell her since I feel that there is also good advice here for her too. Thank you all again.

Thank you for being honest and direct. It’s good advice that I will do my utmost to act out.