“I feel like I’m jumping off a cliff”.
These were my words to Kev in the sunroom yesterday.
Into the unknown.
I know, now that song is in all of our heads.
I even listened to it this morning wondering if it applies to this post.
When your faith deconstructs?
There is a whole world of unknowns.
See how I worded that?
My faith deconstructed.
I didn’t deconstruct it.
Not one particular person is to blame.
Not even me.
It did this on it’s own.
Pretty much against my will.
And everyone else’s around me.
The questions I had/have were there.
Not because someone put them in my head.
My head did that.
As I shake it just thinking about it.
Lots of shaking my head in the past years.
Trying not to ask the questions.
Believing I could stay in line.
Keep my brain quiet.
Just shut already.
Hell has to be real.
Don’t think about eternity.
Stop wondering about a million years and then a million more.
You aren’t the one that’s gonna be tortured there anyway.
Live your life, Karen.
Tell others about Jesus.
But don’t think about it.
It’s beyond your understand.
And…. I kept thinking.
And, dang it, I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.
I asked the hard questions out loud.
And a nice lady in church said “Go ahead, ask the questions, but not in front of the young people.”
I was also told to ask the questions to the ones who have all the answers.
The elder men.
And I shake my head again.
They can’t answer these questions.
They just aren’t answerable.
My point exactly.
Why do we pretend to know the answers?
Why do we pretend like these questions aren’t important?
Why can’t I stop thinking about them?
Anxiety became my friend.
Depression set in.
I felt stuck.
I still feel stuck sometimes.
Thus the “jumping off the cliff” metaphor.
You see, when I ask these kind of questions out loud,
Or listen to others who have those same thoughts,
Everyone gets kind of freaked out.
I’m losing my faith.
I’m headed to the eternal torture I don’t believe in anymore.
There it is.
I just jumped.
I don’t believe in eternal conscious torment anymore.
And I know I’ve probably lost friends over it.
Without even being able to explain.
I will in another post, but sadly I will have lost anyone who doesn’t want to go there.
This isn’t about the three different theologies there actually are on hell.
And I want to start typing about those right now.
I’m going to refrain for now.
Back to the jumping.
People read my writing and tell me I am brave.
Brave for being so honest and vulnerable.
I tell ya what…
I don’t feel brave.
Maybe I just don’t know how dangerous it really is?
Or the ramifications for my honesty?
I do know that I have to jump.
I also know that faith is the opposite of certainty.
Certainty is where I thought I needed to be.
Until I figured out it’s ok to be uncertain.
The part about God being beyond our understanding?
When I really began to dig in and study it?
It’s about God’s love.
This love is beyond our understanding.
So deep and wide and long and high.
We need the power of the Holy Spirit to even begin to grasp it.
So that’s where I’m jumping.
Straight into the arms of love.
Certain that it is ok to be uncertain.
Believing more than ever in Jesus.
Oh, and the jumping off a cliff?
I picture it not like I’m so brave to jump.
More like there is a wall of fire behind me.
I have to jump to even have a chance at surviving.
I’m not brave.
I’m not naive either.
There is just no other option.
So, jump little Karen.
It’s ok to be afraid.
But there is a Savior that’s holding onto you.
Actually lives inside of you.
And he knows how to fly.
Oh, and as for Kevin?
He told me he has my back.
I smiled and said back “Who’s got my back?”
He said “I got your back”.
Kevin and Jesus…
And me with all my questions.
No place I’d rather be.