Ok Then… I Hate My Life.

Don’t be confused, Karen.

God is not the author of confusion.

If in fact, you are confused?

It’s from the devil himself.

So I shake my head.

Partly in disbelief.

Mostly trying to shake out the confusion.

Let me get this straight.

For real.

Don’t love your life.

If you love it, you will lose it.

As a matter of fact, hate it.

Give it up.

If you give up your life for God, you will find it.

Ok, then… I hate my life.

Oh, but you should be grateful.

In everything. 

In everything, give thanks.

But, if I am grateful?

Wouldn’t that mean I actually like something?

And if I like it too much, I will surely lose it.

Maybe I should just be thankful for the suffering stuff.

Because if I’m suffering?

I’m doing something right.

I’m losing my life.

Which means I’m actually finding it.

Yes.

I should suffer more.

And be thankful for it when I do.

Help me, though.

I love my kids.

I love them so much.

I love my husband.

I love him so much.

Dangit.

Probably too much.

What if I love them all too much.

You know?

I would rock my kiddos when I they were little.

Holding them tight.

Singing and snuggling.

Looking at their precious faces.

And tears would roll down my eyes.

I loved them so much it hurt.

Each one of them.

Part of the hurt came directly from what I was being taught.

Don’t make them an idol, Karen.

Love them.

But, whatever you do, don’t love them more than you love  God.

God, I love you more.

I promise.

I love you more.

I’m not sure how to do it.

But, please take my word for it.

Thank you, Jesus.

Thank you for my husband.

I know I don’t deserve any of this.

I am so blessed.

But, wait.

Not too blessed.

Not blessed so much that I love it.

I know I’m learning to put it all on the altar.

Surrender it all to you.

Love you more.

Love the creator way more than the created.

Don’t get too close to the created, Karen.

God is a jealous God.

Love them.

Yes, love them.

But, not more than you love any other people.

Don’t love them more than you love your enemies.

And love God the most.

Ok.

I love you the most, God.

I promise.

I think I do.

Please don’t be mad at me for not understanding.

I’m trying.

I’m trying to surrender my life to you.

Put it all on the altar.

Give you my whole heart.

Give you all of my dreams.

I’m just scared.

And I’m confused.

You scare me, God.

Your people scare me too.

I scare me, for that matter.

I just want to love you better.

I want you to know I’m trying.

But you confuse me.

Can I say that?

Ok.

Deep breath.

These days I’m learning something different.

Here’s where I am landing today.

As I wake up and walk out into this world.

My prayer goes a little more like this…

You, God.

You made us and you love us.

Each and every one of us.

And most importantly you live in us.

If I am loving one of your created?

I am actually loving you.

If I love one of my children so much it hurts?

I am loving you.

You love me.

You love them.

You know me better than I know myself.

And you are not a monster.

You are not on a dang ego trip.

It’s your love that is beyond comprehension.

Wider, deeper, higher than I can imagine.

The love I feel for my children?

Doesn’t even come close to the love you have for me.

Or for them.

So, me loving them?

Is actually loving you.

Me being grateful for them?

Is actually me being grateful for you.

You are not trying to trick me.

You are in fact, asking me to rest.

Rest in your love.

Rest in knowing you love to watch me love.

More than that?

When I do show love to people?

It’s you loving them.

So, I can rock my grand babies.

I can hold them tight.

I can walk into school today and enjoy my job.

And look forward to Thanksgiving with my family.

And think my hubby is way too cute.

And know in all of it?

You are somehow smiling.

You aren’t mad.

I’m loving you when I love them.

And for that?

I’m grateful.