Mama Palin

There is an answer embedded in the question of whether or not Sarah Palin is qualified to be president. Duh. Helloooo???

If you are asking the question to begin with then the answer is not a simple no but a resounding Hail No.

Who are we kidding? Nobody cares whether Sarah Palin is qualified to be president. What matters to Americans is that Sarah Palin has great hair and a taut body even after birthing all those kids. That Todd, he’s sure a lucky fella. Wink.Wink. Nudge. Nudge.

Sarah Palin is the new pin-up girl for Alaska and all things American.

She’s the female version of George W. Bush.

She hasn’t read a book since Spot got ran over.

She thinks analytical is a brain disorder to be avoided.

She parents the same way she votes – in absentia.

She thinks foreign policy is a casserole dish favored by Ahmadinejad.

She likes her guns big and her government small.

She prays God’s blessing on the wars we wage.

She slams the media for being corrupt bastards.

She couldn’t write a speech but she can damn sure deliver one.

She’s a God-fearing, Mama bear, baby-making money-machine.

Mmm. Come to think of it. Mama Palin has a lot in common with that other woman that the conservatives loved so well. Oh, what’s her name? You know. The one who had all them young’uns. The one who used to be on TV all the time. Gosh. Why can’t I think of her name?

Oh. Kate. That’s right. Jon & Kate Plus 8, minus one, add back two or more lovers. Whatever happened to her anyway? Kate hasn’t been on the cover of a magazine in at least what, six weeks? In warp speed of Entertainment News (what kind of foolishness is that?) six weeks is like 42 dog years. Kate’s 15 minutes of fame is all burned out. She better get back to school and update that nursing degree; she’s going to need the paycheck soon. Eight kids eat a lot of groceries.

If Mama Palin can manage to keep the Freshman 20 off and keep up the botox injections she might be in the limelight for the next six years. The American public will tolerate a lot of things – stupidity for one and loose jowls for another – but the one thing that sure as shooting will keep Hollywood from calling and Americans from electing a woman president is a big arse.

We don’t care if our leaders are dumb as a wild turkey as long as they are easy on the eyes.

The question isn’t whether Mama Palin is qualified. The question is will she be able to fight off the paunch of middle-age long enough to get elected?

Perhaps the best way to keep Mama Palin out of D.C. is to open up a Krispy Kreme in Wasilla.