Spring Break Mating Season

Spring Break Mating Season March 24, 2011

I’ve been really worried about the economic situation in Oregon as of late. Many of you know that I thought about running for governor in this last election, so it only  makes sense that I would worry about the economy. Just because I didn’t  get elected doesn’t negate in any way the deep-seated concern I have about the people I would govern if I had half-a-chance.

What you may not have know is that prior to the economic collapse of 2008, Oregon already had one of the highest unemployment rates in the nation.  We are used to double-digit unemployment. We got used to that when the Feds shut down the forests and sent all those loggers to vocational-rehab where they learned to make meth instead.

People who live in Oregon don’t really like other people.  They like trees better, which explains why former Gov. Tom McCall made up that slogan: “Welcome to Oregon. Enjoy your visit but please don’t stay here.”

Hospitality has never been Oregon’s strong suit. I suppose there’s something to be said for that. If Oregon had been as gracious as the folks in Florida are, that woman-who-shall-remain-nameless would have been the VP-candidate from Oregon, instead of Alaska. Interesting isn’t it, that the state furtherest North is the only state that has actually managed to secede from the Union?

As far as I’m concerned Alaska is just Arkansas-gone-off-Yankee.

I recently heard that funny man Carl Hiaasen talking about how Florida’s hospitality has gotten that state into a heap of trouble. Hiaasen related a particularly disturbing story of the Fish & Wildlife folks responding to a call about a man who was keeping a pair of gators as his paramours.

Because informing the public is part of what I do, here’s the official word about dating Florida Gators:

Courtship and nesting

Alligators have a complex social hierarchy that varies with sex, age, and habitat conditions. In the Everglades, large males tend to stay in open water, while females live in small ponds. Males move from pond to pond during the breeding season to mate. Alligator courtship begins as the weather warms in early spring and features a varied sequence of behaviors including bellowing, head slapping, snout touching and bubble blowing. The bellowing of courting alligators is a familiar sound in the swamps in spring.

Is it me, or are there a lot of similarities between Gators courting and kids on Spring Break?

We don’t have a mating season in Oregon so there’s really nothing to draw a crowd during Spring Break, which is really too bad, given that we could use all those tourist dollars.

Something about having to wear all that rain-gear that’s just downright unappealing.

Given the price of airline baggage these days, it’s so much more cost-efficient to go places where all you have to pack is a pair of flip-flops and a bathing suit.

I’m worried that if this economy doesn’t turn around soon even our undocumented workers will be fleeing Oregon in search of better job opportunities.

C’mon y’all, there must be something we can do to make Spring Break in Oregon more enticing.

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  • I’m really disturbed about that last photo, of the guy hitting a volleyball. It is actually a picture of my body, but someone has Photoshopped some other guy’s face on it. I’m gonna sue.

    I’m sorry. You were saying?

  • Steve Taylor

    You could put up “Welcome to Florida” signs on the Interstate. Considering the current geographical accuity of the typical US student, coupled with the average uptake of inebriatic joy, I suspect the Springbreak darlings probably won’t know the difference. I’m still trying to figure out the moose of PCB and here it is 35 years later.

    • Karen Spears Zacharias

      Inquiring minds want some answers.. what moose?

      • Karen Spears Zacharias

        James: You should sue.

      • Steve T

        Well, of course. That’s just it. Maybe the better question is what Panama City Beach?! See comment on inebriation and Spring Break. Its amazing that some of us have lived this long. Lord help our kids to not become their parents.

  • Well you have brought a smile to my face again at 5 in the morning….loggers in voc rehab – too funny!

    • Karen Spears Zacharias

      Deborah: Well, smiling at 5 a.m. is no easy task. Glad to be of help.

  • Bellowing, head slapping, snout touching, and bubble blowing is how I got my wife. Works every time.

    • Karen Spears Zacharias

      Why does this not surprise me, Mr. Coffey?

  • I grew up in Oregon. I remember a bumper-sticker campaign to keep people from moving in with slogans like, “Last year 10,000 kids rode their bike into a mud puddle … and never came out” and “In Oregon we don’t tan, we rust.” Well, now Oregonians need jobs. I can tell you, ‘medical’ marijuana is making a lot of money for a lot of folks here in CO. Just a thought.

    • Karen Spears Zacharias

      Joetta: Now there’s a thought.

  • John in PDX

    Hey, Just because PDX is not friendly doesn’t mean that some people in OR aren’t friendly. I bought someone a Starbucks coffee last month. And what is wrong with liking trees? Just as long as we cut them down when we need them – I like them.

    • Karen Spears Zacharias

      Oh, John, you know I love Oregon… so much more than Alaska. And yes, great people here. Just thought we could all use a laugh lately and as great as Oregon is, people do not vacation here during Spring Break. At least not people 50 and under.