Friends and family, in the wake of the courageous World Vision stand to continue to deny same-sex couples employment, I have searched my heart, prayed around the clock and have come to a very difficult decision.
See, it was in a moment of weakness that World Vision announced they would include homosexuals in their ranks of true Christians and hard-working citizens. When it became evident that Christians, feeling faithfully convicted that to follow Christ meant they must be willing to jeopardize the lives of children around the world, well my eyes were opened. If good and kind people who follow Jesus were willing to refuse their resources to the child they had so loving adopted through World Vision, and if World Vision had the courage and faith to submit to these generous and compassionate people – well, maybe they are all right. Maybe if I just work hard enough, pray enough and submit to extensive ex-gay therapy, I too will be worthy of God’s love. And since I am no longer with my so called “wife,” it should be all the easier, right?
So instead of my much anticipated trip to Ireland, I have spoken with my pastor and then my travel agent (who helped me arrange a very expensive change of tickets) and have decided to go on a week-long pilgrimage that will culminate in checking myself into homosexual rehab.
Holy Week will no longer be about a selfish attempt to explore the Divine spark of The Spirit that resides within (wow, who talks like that? Certainly not Jesus!) but will be the beginning of a cleansing rite that will make me more acceptable to God and, more importantly, my fellow Christians.
My ex-homosexual agenda will include:
Writing letters of thanks and apology to the good Christians on this list: 10 Most Wildly Anti-Gay Preachers in America
Begging Franklin Graham to have mercy on my soul and let me return to the true Christian fold
A pilgrimage the holy of holies, the Vatican of seeing Christians who truly understand God’s love – Westboro Baptist Church
Humbly ask for a meeting with John Piper to beg him to be my spiritual and moral guide as I seek to learn how to be a good real wife.
Enroll in the Liberty University Online course in Graduate Theological Studies (clearly I need to have my head cleared of all this “progressive” and process nonsense)
Apply for a Marketing and PR job at Focus on the Family
Find out how I can become BFFs with real Christian women like Michelle Bachman & Victoria Jackson
Ask Kathy Baldock to introduce me to the strictest, harshest (uh, most Christian!) reparative group she’s met
Search for an apartment as far way from Decatur, GA, as possible
Most of all, and all week, without ceasing, pray away the gay. Just because it didn’t work for over 20 years since puberty that I tried, doesn’t mean it’s not possible!
If I can choose to change my address or hairstyle, I can choose to leave homosexuality.
Suggestions on how to become a better Christian are welcome!
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I think this past year we took quite a few hits, the Chik fil A, Duck Dynasty debacle –the vitriol that ensued. I felt such a sigh of relief at World Vision’s initial statements that I was rejoicing. Only to be literally crushed in my soul at the back pedaling and recantation. Epic Fail. To think I was just about to “repurchase” my 3 pagan babies (as my mom refers to them) in order to show my solidarity.
I went back into my cave and licked my wounds inflicted by my brothers and sisters in Christ. (Tempted to tell them they are bastards)
I believe that we are here “for such a time as this” to chant “we are here, we’re queer & Christian, get used to it.” Much in the way, loving and kind men and women in the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s, who lived through the pain of divorce continued in spite of rejection and disfellowship, sat in the pews. The families and community could no longer be so punitive. Recognizing their love of God…. entire denominations changed their dogmas and changed church charters.
I will not let one more person try to tell me I’m not a Christian. My adult children have seen the judgement and their generation is making headway. They reject outright this “gays go to hell”, can’t participate in church life bull crap….. And they are the next generation of leaders. Watch out. … Because their children will have 2 grandmas front pew at every Sunday School concert and youth group event.
my snark meter just exploded!
I’ve been thinking about the whole World Vision fiasco and I kept thinking about a “child sponsorship” video Tony Jones posted on his Patheos blog ( http://youtu.be/6diqOWR2AwQ ). While initially it sounds good, it also strikes me as a very paternalistic, power-over privileged thing that is more about making US feel good. Oxfam, a secular humanitarian group I’ve been researching as a place to contribute does NOT do child sponsorships: “Our programs focus on communities rather than individuals. We consider this a more effective and efficient approach for long-term developmental outcomes.”
Here’s some other rational I found by a quick Google inquiry AGAINST “direct aid” programs that makes total sense:
The well-known international agency Save the Children (SCF) did have a child-sponsorship program for many years. That organization has over the past several years withdrawn from child-sponsorship and has joined other international organizations such as Oxfam and UNICEF in discouraging that form of international assistance. The reasons for doing so are instructive and provide an insight into some of the problems with child sponsorship or, as it is sometimes described, “direct aid.”
1. Save the Children discovered that too often sponsored children were resented in their communities and sometimes in their families. Sponsored children quickly achieve a position of privilege while surrounded by disadvantaged people. SCF found that sponsorship funds were often the cause of envy and sometimes conflict.
2. The agency also realized that child sponsorship has high administrative costs. Child-sponsorship agencies have administrative costs that are twice as high as other international organizations. A larger number of administrative staff are required in addition to publicity and advertising carried out by sponsorship agencies. One dramatic example of SCF’s costs is that one photograph of a child involving processing, mailing, and staff time was $24, more than the child actually received for a month.
3. The greatest concern was the cycle of dependency that sponsorship could induce. Funds to individual children are not used to develop self-sufficient communities. They create a group of children dependent on charity for basic needs. In other words sponsorship is short term and ineffective, and it does not alleviate any of the real problems that cause poverty in developing countries.
So maybe World Vision is not a place for progressives should contribute to anyway. What are your thoughts?
Jeff, this is a useful analysis. Thanks for sharing it; it will impact my decision on the way I increase support to World Vision.
Whelp time to go get biblically married!
This really scared me! Yes! April 1st, it is…thank GOD!
If you paid a visit to Stephen Anderson’s church in Arizona, maybe he’d let you give your testimony.
I would LOVE to give my testimony there!
How to be a better Christian: follow Jesus, love your neighbour and ignore any church leader who tells you hate is a Christian value.
You forgot to join Focus on the Family in Colorado!
Hilarious, I feel like a gawker in the carnival tent viewing the links on the minister lists.
Clever writing! I know the humor helps, but there’s still pain!… Sorry for that.
Thanks Howard 🙂
Look at erotic photography and cinematography featuring the human male in all his glory. Which would be sinful lust if you didn’t struggle with same-sex attraction, of course, but exceptions can be made in these cases. It’s like using mustard gas and radiation to treat cancer.
Of course, straight porn! Well except for all those scenes that the straight men seem to like SO much (just long as we don’t actually like it).
Thank you for this ray of hope while I go through such a dark time. I gave in got gay married, but you’re right I only prayed it away for five years, I have so far to go. All the joy I feel is clearly planted by Satan. Better Christian misery than satanic joy surely. Thought there was no hope for me, thank you for all the wonderful suggestions to end this time of joy in my life! I can’t wait to start on the list
Enroll in Basic Youth Conflicts and request a “private session” with Bill Gothard.
So this is the new direction you mentioned recently!
Looking forward to your backflip tomorrow…
Kimberly, let me look at my calendar… Yep it’s April 1; I thought so.
🙂