Openly straight headlines?

Openly straight pastor officiates big ole straight wedding

Openly straight pastor steals money from congregation

Openly straight cop killed intervening in a domestic violence call

Open straight cop accepts cash to look the other way on drug buy

Openly straight baseball player funds local community center

Openly straight baseball player caught in bed with mistress

Openly straight city council woman votes for public servant raises

Openly straight city council woman arrested for drunk driving

Openly straight kindergarten teacher teaches child to read

Openly straight kindergarten teacher berates child to tears

Openly straight reporter exposes criminal fallacy

Openly straight reporter spins intentional lie

Openly straight husband stops by store to pick up milk, and thinks to grab flowers

Openly straight husband stops by bar on the way home and later breaks wife’s jaw

Openly straight father gently coaches winning little league season

Openly straight father savagely molests daughter

Openly straight soldier saves child from land mine

Openly straight solder rapes colleague

Openly straight CEO gives employees a well-deserved raise

Openly straight CEO pays for prostitute with embezzled funds

Openly straight doctor tells patient he is cancer free

Openly straight doctor dismisses patient’s intuition

Openly straight singer shares gift on pediatric oncology ward

Openly straight singer throws away gift on booze and drugs

Openly straight day trader makes killing on market

Openly straight slave-trader makes killing on humans

Openly straight mom hugs gay child

Openly straight mom tosses gay child to streets

I wonder what other real or amalgamated headlines you can create that sound equally ridiculous with “openly straight” as lead…