Breaking News: Rogue Apostles Plot Take Down of the LDS Church

Breaking News: Rogue Apostles Plot Take Down of the LDS Church September 15, 2017

Screen Shot 2017-09-11 at 1.04.59 PMReports are circulating that rogue Apostles are plotting the take down of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.


A group of three key individuals have been meeting weekly for several years on a sophisticated conspiracy that combines all of the worst public relations blunders, clangers and bangers in order to create an irrevocable brand scandal.


Several email correspondences between the LDS church’s legal firm, Kirton & McConkie and the group have surfaced on MormonLeaks TM indicating that there has been a protracted strategy to harness the rampant and unchecked homophobia of the LDS Church’s largely ultra-right wing Utah membership in order to draw deleterious public attention, vilification and intolerance for the LDS Church.


LaDon Christiansen a spokesperson for the Wasatch Faith Crisis Collective said yesterday, ‘Utah County can be counted on to back a losing religious horse.  ‘They’d rather cut their kids out of their wills and ban them from Thanksgiving than make a concession to those; “No-good-fetching-Mormon-liberal-gay-loving- Democrats who think that Apostles don’t speak for Jesus. They ARE Jesus gosh-darn it.” ‘


The Public Relations department would not offer a comment but an undisclosed source confided that “Proposition 8 was bad, the November exclusion policy was a nightmare, but we don’t know how we are going to put lipstick on the pig they’ve created out of Gay Wedding Cake-Gate.”


When asked about the motive behind operation take-down it transpires that the Apostles involved are furious that they’ll probably die in their suits.


‘They are 30 years past retirement,” said the third cousin twice removed of a sister wife great, great grandmother of one of the key conspirators.   “He’s been wanting to hit some balls around the fairway before he’s using a Zimmer frame and needs adult diapers.”


Sources, close to the group are confident that an internal rebellion is brewing.   A former secretary to the Twelve confided, “The fact is, there’s a lot of job dissatisfaction in the Upper Rooms and it makes the Quorum kinda hate each other.   Why I’ve seen an Apostle leap out of his high back chair like a 15-year-old to thump a junior for suggesting that the Church ought to start making apologies. It gets really mean in there.”


Whether or not the conspiracy will be the death knell of the Mormons remains to be seen. In the meantime, the PR department has, granted unprecedented mental health leave applications and are currently recruiting a full-time trauma therapist.


Kirton-McConkie offered no comment but did issue a ‘cease and desist notice’ to KiwiMormon (which can be found on the MormonLeaks TM website).


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