On The Alleged Flaw That Is My Independence

On a recent flight out to San Francisco, I comfortably nestled into my emergency row window seat that I had swapped for my beloved aisle seat just so that my fellow passenger could sit across the aisle from his wife. As the flight took off, we struck up a conversation and he told me about how he and his wife have been traveling the world ever since they both retired. Next on their docket is a tour of South Asia, and I jumped at the chance to encourage him to visit India.

We discussed my trips to India, and I happily told him all about my solo research trips. I even told him about how I one day hope to see even more than the handful of cities in India that I’ve been fortunate enough to visit thus far. After this brief conversation, he capped off our travel talk with this gem: “Well, you sure are gonna have a hard time finding a mate.”

Given how completely out of place this comment seemed, I assumed he was kidding and congenially replied with “oh yeah, sure is tough these days, you should talk to my mom!” But apparently my attempt to laugh off a joke caught him off-guard, and he was quick to explain further:

“No, no, I’m not kidding – you’re so independent, and you seem like you know what you want in life, so it’s gonna be real hard for you to find a life partner who is okay with all that.”

Suddenly, I felt like I had been slapped in the face. Annoyed, and frankly, hurt, by this man’s snap judgment, I found my headphones and used my iTunes collection to avoid any further conversation with this man for the remainder of our 5+ hour flight to the West Coast.

But if I could, I would return to the scene of the crime and speak up for myself – because what he did, and what society does on a daily basis, is not even remotely tolerable.

Acceptable segways at the end of our conversation about India could have included any number of the following questions:

“So what kind of research did you do in India?”

“Which part of India is your family from?”

“What’s the favorite place you’ve visited in India so far?”

“When do you think you’ll get to go to India next?”

“Don’t you hate that we only get cheap pretzels on these long flights?!”

I could go on. But instead of asking me about my research work in India, instead of asking me about my tourist experiences in India, instead of asking me about my heritage, and instead of making further acceptable small talk, my fellow passenger decided to jump to some seemingly logical conclusion about my future personal life.Why does a woman’s independence become an immediate strike against her “marriageability?” When was the last time a man was challenged for his career ambition because of the need to maintain “work-life balance?” Why are women who know what they want from life viewed as poor spouse material?Those who want to rationalize and justify societal gender roles can try to answer these questions with any number repulsive responses. But the truth of the matter is that independent women with unique voices, far-reaching dreams, courageous goals, and powerful desires should be sought after. Not avoided like the plague. Maybe one day when we all learn how to embrace these truths instead of fighting them, a conversation about a woman’s independence will involve fewer raised eyebrows and more supportive voices.

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Farah Khan is a medicine resident at Emory University. After graduating from college in Boston, Farah returned to her hometown in Alabama for medical school where she was reunited with the mix of Southern hospitality and South Asian flair that had shaped her childhood. Follow her on Twitter or read some of her thoughts on her blog.

This post originally appeared at Farah’s blog. Read more from Farah Khan, such as her recent “Reflections of Being A ‘Good’ Girl.”