CTNAHM: Your Wife Will Be What You Make Her

CTNAHM: Your Wife Will Be What You Make Her February 5, 2014

A Guest Post by Aletha

Originally posted on Yllom Mormon

Created to Need a Help Meet, pp. 122—123

We’re starting to finish up the Command Man chapter.

Your Guiding Verses

Ephesians 5:25-29
25-Husbands love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26-That he might sanctify and cleanse it wish the washing of the water by the word.
27-That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28-So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29-For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth, even as the Lord of the church:

Matthew 23:10-12
10-Neither be ye called masters: for one is your Master, even Christ
11-But he that is great among you shall be your servant.
12-And whosever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that humble himself shall be exalted.

As a Command Man you have the potential to become a productive leader, but you need your help meet to stand by your side as your reigning queen. When you demonstrate to your woman that you need her, want her, enjoy her, and are willing to go the extra mile for her sake, she will be your most devoted admirer.

Here is where I have a problem. People define and show love in very different ways. Just because someone thinks they are showing love, doesn’t mean the other person is seeing that. Also, it is easy to justify any action as “for the good” of the other. This is something I’ve noticed with my foster kids. When I get frustrated, it is a lot easier for me to come up with “consequences” that are more punishment than than a learning experience. Yet I tell myself it’s better for them.

Also, with the idea that the husband can sanctify the wife, I’m wondering how he knows WHAT needs to change. Does that make sense? If the man is given the generic idea of sanctifying the wife, without any specific details as to what that means or how to do it, then all he is left with is his opinion. Don’t like your wife’s constant chatter? You have to fix that-for her sake! When there are vague ideals with no direction, there is a HUGE margin of error. Not to mention room for abuse.

And still there is no mention of asking what your “queen” what she wants or needs.

The Command Man’s Five H’s

*Have more patience

Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall life you up (James 4:10)”. Of the three types, the Command Man is most in need of humility and the least ready to express it. Humility comes by crashing into the reality of our own fallibility.

If a man his head of his house, and his wife isn’t allowed to disagree, and children aren’t allowed to have an opinion, how is Mr. Command going to crash into the reality of his own fallibility? Michael admitted that Command Men rarely admit their mistakes. How is telling someone to be more humble (without telling them how to do it) really going to work?

Honor your wife “as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. (1 Peter 3:7)”.

How is thinking and treating somebody-that you supposedly love-as a “weaker vessel” honoring? According to the dictionary, Honor means:

to hold in respect or esteem; to show courteous behavior towards; to worship; to confer a distinction upon; to accept and then pay when due (a cheque, draft, etc.); to keep (one’s promise); fulfill (a previous agreement)

Not encouraging someone to fulfill their dreams because Mr. C views his ideas as most important, isn’t respecting. Demanding respect and obedience, or “shutting the door” to become emotionally unavailable isn’t worshiping. Frankly, treating a wife (or anyone) the way Michael says Mr. Command does naturally is bordering on abuse, not esteem.

Have more patience with respect toward the other two types of men. “For who maketh thee to differ from another? and what has thou that thou didst not receive? now if thou didst receive it, why dost thou glory, as if thou hadst not received it? (1 Cor 4:7)”

Really? Mr.  And-you-can-expect-my-bias-towards-the-Command-Man-type-to-come-through-in-my-writing Pearl, who calls men “double dog jerks” and “trash” is advocating respect for the other types? Go re-read the Mr. Steady section and tell me Michael has respect for the other types.

Hesitate before stepping in to take charge. “Be not wise in thine own eyes (Proverbs 3:7)”.

I’m having difficulty figuring out why Michael would spend the first half of the chapter telling Command Men that people want to listen to a leader, that Mr. Command men are necessary, and that they represent God on Earth-then say “Oh, but don’t move TOO fast.” It’s like he doesn’t reread anything he wrote.

Home is where the heart is—or should be. Exercise your impulses to rule in your own home, for if you fail to be a benevolent ruler at home you are not fit to rule anywhere else. “One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity. (1 Timothy 3:4)”.

Let’s rehash.  A man is ruler of his home, and hopefully he’s a BENEVOLENT ruler. But if not, then he’s really not fit to rule anywhere else. Except he will, because Michael has spent this whole chapter explaining what a great leader Command Men are. Also, if a Command Man is ultimate authority in his home, then who exactly will let him know if he’s not benevolent? There are very few checks and balances in this system-and that’s a recipe for disaster.

Your Theme

Your help meet will become what you make her.

Really? This is the takeaway from this whole chapter?? Your wife will be what you make her? What about what the help meet wants? What about what the help meet needs? I’ve been getting comments lately that I am completely misreading Michael’s intentions and that I am being hateful towards this book. But it’s lines like this that convince me I’m right. This book is supposed to help marriages be better—more Godly even.    Yet all of Michael’s advice is about making marriage better for one half of the relationship—the male half.  The only thing Michael says women need is to be needed. I don’t understand how a man that has been married for 40 years actually advocates this. Nowhere in this book is emphasis on communicating, nor compromising. It’s “Tell your wife this is what you need, and she’ll be happy to do it.”

In case I am being unclear-this is not a marriage-this is servitude.

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