Evangelical Writer on Self-Esteem: “You Will Never Be Enough”

r”Christian Girl, You Don’t Need to Love Yourself More,” Bethany Beal writes on Girl Defined. Her overall argument is that a message of self-love is not only unnecessary but actually dangerous. We should love Jesus, and not ourselves, she argues. We should see our value only in Jesus, and not in ourselves. I have concerns about this message. There are pieces I find innocuous—even helpful, if you believe them—but there are also parts that feel inherently dangerous.

As I read Bethany’s piece, I thought back repeatedly to my own experiences as an adolescent growing up in an evangelical community. In some ways, this post is an exploration of the intersection between Bethany’s essay and my experiences.

Bethany’s piece began as follows:

She stood in the bathroom on top of the counter, looked into the mirror and started reciting her morning pump-up mantra.

“I am awesome”

“I am amazing” 

“I am the best!”

“I can do anything”

With a final look of confidence and a smile at herself through the reflection, she went along with her day. This little girl’s mom uploaded the video to social media and it went viral. People from across the world were praising this video and commenting on how much we could learn from this little 6-year-old girl.

Bethany, of course, was not impressed.

As a quick side note, all of this “I can do anything” positive talk can sometimes seem hokey, but it’s actually not. There’s a reason for things like the placebo effect. Someone who thinks they can succeed is more likely to succeed than someone who thinks they can’t succeed. And then there are things like stereotype threat. Our perceptions of ourselves impact our efforts and ability.

Bethany, however, ascribes to a version of Christianity that is predicated on people viewing themselves as sinners deserving of eternal condemnation, in need of saving.

In her essay, she writes as follows:

From the surface, these practices seem like a good idea. Isn’t self-love important? Don’t we need to build ourselves up to more? In a thrld filled with so much negativity, isn’t this a positive combative solution? With such low numbers in self-esteem, shouldn’t we focus on esteeming ourselves as much as possible?

I don’t think so.

In fact, I think these solutions to self-worth and confidence will only do more harm than good in the long run. These kinds of pep talks can only last so long. What happens when you’re genuinely not awesome? When you truly disappoint someone? When someone disappoints you? When you look in the mirror and say, “I am amazing” but deep inside you know that you’re not.

I’m no psychologist, but I’m fairly certain there are answers for when people get to that point.

Also, I think Bethany is taking all this “I am amazing” talk a little too narrowly. This kind of positive self-talk is typically part of a belief that everyone has their own inherent value, not some sort of Sheryl Sandberg Lean In nonsense that requires people to be superhuman or die trying. Viewing oneself as an amazing human being with potential and positive qualities is not predicated on meeting everyone else’s impossible expectations. To the contrary!

But Bethany thinks positive self-talk will end in failure because, well, everyone’s not amazing. What is her solution? It’s simple:

1. Start By Admitting That You Aren’t Enough. 

You don’t have to be enough. You will never be or have enough. You are a sinner in desperate need of a Savior. A proper understanding of who we are will help us to better understand who God is.

 

Bethany’s language is actually not as dark as it could be. Christian religious leaders have been telling congregations for centuries and more that they are wretched sinners. Instead, she simply states that you will never be enough. “You are a sinner in desperate need of a Savior.”

This strain of Christianity is predicated on the idea that people have sinned and are in need of a savior. People can’t make it on their own. They will only fail. It is only through Christ that they have worth. (There are other strains of Christianity that are not based on these ideas.)

This all said, I do want to highlight this bit from Bethany’s piece:

Admitting that we aren’t enough (can never be enough on our own) is freeing.

We are all individuals and no one thing is going to work for everyone, but I think for some people this absolutely is freeing. The idea that it doesn’t matter if we aren’t enough, because Jesus loves us no matter what, is one thing some people can find attractive about Christianity. We may be lowly sinners who mess up, but we are also beloved children of God, and that’s where our worth is.

Religion has often filled—and still fills—the societal function psychology fills for many others today. It serves as a way for people to sort out their feelings, find meaning, and find their own worth and role in the world. And that is important! We need that. It’s just that there are, shall we say, some limitations to this particular system.

Let’s return to Bethany:

2. Recognize that God Never Commands Us To Love Ourselves More. 

We need to slow down and look carefully at the Bible. Nowhere in Scripture do we ever see God commanding us to love ourselves more. Why? Self-love is our natural default. Self-thought is our natural default. Thinking about ourselves more (whether in a positive or negative light) is something that every human on earth does naturally.

There are some psychologists who would likely like a word with Bethany right now. More than that, though, if self-love is our default, why the need for all the positive self-talk? If we naturally think we’re awesome, why did the video of the little girl using positive self-talk—“I am awesome. I am amazing. I am the best! I can do anything”—hit such a nerve?

Anyway, Bethany goes on:

As one author put it, “The statement ‘love your neighbor as yourself’ (Mark 12:30-31) is not a command to love yourself. It is natural and normal to love yourself—it is our default position. There is no lack of self-love in our world. The command to ‘love your neighbor as yourself’ is essentially telling us to treat other people as well as we treat ourselves. Scripture never commands us to love ourselves; it assumes we already do. In fact, people in their unregenerate condition love themselves too much—that is our problem.”

Okay, let’s unpack this.

Conservative evangelicals spend a lot of time trying to convince people that the Bible should be taken as true at face value, that every word is inerrant, and even that all you need is the Bible. Perhaps because of this, my spider senses go off the moment conservative evangelicals begin hurriedly explaining that a verse doesn’t actually mean what it clearly sounds like it means.

That verse in Mark—“love your neighbor as yourself”—assumes self-love. Bethany argues that that self-love is a bad thing, but I would contend such an argument undermines the entire point of the verse. If the love you have for yourself is bad and sinful, why would the verse say you should love your neighbor in the same bad, sinful way you love yourself? That makes no sense!

Sure, the verse doesn’t come right out and say “the love you have for yourself is good,” but by urging people to love others in the same way you love yourself, it sure seems to suggest it!

Okay, back to Bethany:

Often times when we hear the words, “low self-esteem” we think we need to esteem ourselves more.

Sadly, that won’t work in the end. We need to esteem God more. The more we esteem the One who is worthy, the more we will see how loved and valued we are as His redeemed daughters.

No amount of self-love or self-esteem can give us the fulfillment we are truly looking for. That must come from Someone greater.

Umm.

Look, there’s a big difference between telling someone they’re shit on their own but you love them anyway (which is a hallmark of abuse) and telling someone you love them because you see things that are beautiful and good in them—things even they may not see.

I can see value and meaning in believing an all-powerful God cares about and values you. I don’t believe that, but I completely understand why that’s attractive. But when you pair that with Bethany’s claim that liking who we are (i.e. “self-love”) is sinful—because we’re all actually sinners who could never make it on our own and we need to remember that—I have a problem with that.

During my adolescent years, I found myself frustrated by what Bethany would call my “self-love.” I worried and worried and worried because, truth be told, I didn’t think I was all that big of a sinner. I actually thought I had some pretty good talents and some pretty good qualities. Sure, I had some pretty big faults too, but I was genuinely worried that the fact that I liked who I was meant that I wasn’t really saved. See, thinking you were a good person was synonymous with being a deluded sinner bound for hell. I thought I was a good person, and that scared me.

To be clear: I don’t personally know what it’s like to grow up with low self-esteem in an evangelical home under the influence of the ideology Bethany lays out here.

Finally, Bethany adds this:

3. Believe that Jesus is Enough and as His Redeemed Daughter You are Enough in Him.  

Jesus is enough. We never have to be enough. In Him, we have every ounce of love, worth, and purpose than we could ever have hoped or dreamed for. Think about it. God didn’t send Jesus to this earth to teach us how to pump ourselves up and find worth within. No. He came to give us His life because we could never be enough.

There are two messages being pushed here, one of which seems potentially helpful, and the other not so much. The first is that Christians find purpose and worth and love in Jesus. People find purpose and meaning and value in all sorts of things, and if some people find it in religion, that’s fine by me. But this is paired with a second message—that we can never be enough.

Never having to be enough is great. Never being enough is not so great.

One last bit from Bethany’s essay:

Let’s claim our identity as God’s redeemed daughters and look to Him. Let’s choose to focus on loving our amazing Savior instead of loving ourselves. The more we focus on Christ and understand all that He did for us, the more we will find that all-satisfying love that we so desperately crave.

This leaves me with another question. Bethany says that all of that positive self-talk is great, until it’s not enough—until we make a mistake, mess up, and feel inadequate. But what about when all of this positive Jesus-talk isn’t enough?

Some time ago now, I had a crisis of faith that led to me losing my faith, and it started with a situation where I felt Jesus had let me down. It’s a long story. When this happened, I had something going for me—I believed I had value in myself. I liked who I was. Sure, I had a lot to learn, and plenty of things to work on, but I viewed myself as someone with innate potential.

I don’t know what would have happened if I had viewed myself as genuinely without value or worth outside of Jesus, and then lost my faith, but that sounds exponentially more painful.

Where does that leave us? Believing that there’s a higher power that loves, values, and believes in you can be powerful, and even positive. Pairing it with an assertion that we are sinners deserving of eternal damnation, worthless in ourselves and doomed to failure, though? Not so much.

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