My readers are a talented lot

One of them writes:

WASHINGTON (PEANUT) — Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano issued a non-apology apology to veterans after a report issued by her department said wild-eyed killers returning from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were at risk for being recruited by right-wing Xian extremists.

“To the extent veterans read it as an accusation … an apology is owed,” she said during an on-air interview on FOX News Thursday, a day after veterans’ groups and members of Congress blasted her for the report, which they said libeled members of the people’s armed forces.

“This was an assessment of what those androcentric knuckle-draggers are capable of, not an accusation,” Napolitano continued. “It was limited to extremists — those who seek to commit violence within the United States, and those who can at a moment’s notice help commit that violence. And all this was meant to do was to give law enforcement what we newcomers to the intelligence trade like to call “‘Guy Fawkes’ awareness”

“The last thing I want to do is offend or castigate all Xians or veterans. To the contrary, some of my best friends are Xians and veterans. So let’s meet and make a list of names,” she said.

A footnote in the report, “Death to All Wreckers of Our Glorious Long March Forward: Current Economic and Political Climate Fueling Resurgence in Radicalization and Recruitment,” said that while there is no proof whatsoever that right-wing terrorists are planning acts of violence, such acts are imminent and would likely come from “rightwing extremists” who harbor opinions contrary to those held by President Barack Obama. The report also singled out crazed, bloodthirsty returning war veterans as likely recruits.

“If there’s one part of this report that I would classify . . . it would be that footnote,” Napolitano said.

Patriotic Legion National Commander Skurt Finbin, who blasted the report earlier this week as incomplete and politically-biased, said he was pleased with Napolitano’s non-apology apology.

“I rejoice that our Maximum Leader has given our struggling heroic people the Department of Homeland Security and Janet Napolitano, who is, unless purged in future, a bulwark of the people’s righeous struggle against all phobias,” Finbin said in a statement released from an undisclosed location, “I look forward to meeting with her next Friday and apologizing for my unwarranted and unpatriotic criticism of the nation’s righteous struggle and heroic leaders.”

At least one veterans group, however, wasn’t moved by Napolitano’s mea culpa.

“It wasn’t an apology in my view,” said Teel Hgysthd, chairman of Bloodthirsty Killers for Freedom. “It was one of those non-apology apologies. She was sorry that veterans were offended. She should either apologize for the content of the report as it stands or they should rewrite the report and reissue it.”

Hgysthd, a crazed Army veteran who served in Iraq and has been suspected of sympathy with terrorist causes, said the report represents a “gross misunderstanding and oversimplification” of the country’s service members. He did not call for Napolitano’s ouster, but said he would accept her resignation.

“If she . . . that’d be . . . . . ” Hgysthd said. Contact for the telephone interview was lost and Peanut was unable to make contact for a follow up.

Napolitano defended the report Wednesday, saying it is part of an ongoing series of assessments to provide information to state, local and tribal law enforcement agencies on Xian radicalization in the United States.

“Let me be clear: We monitor the vipers’ nests of violent Xians growing right here in the United States,” Napolitano said in a statement. “We don’t have the luxury of focusing our efforts on one group; we must protect the peoples’ righteous struggle from all terrorism whether foreign or homegrown, and regardless of the ideology that motivates its violence.” In a follow-up by reporters, Napolitano said, “No, let me be equally clear: We are not going to re-interview William Ayers.”

“We are on the lookout for Xian terrorist activity but we do not – nor will we ever – monitor political beliefs except those on abortion, immigration, gun control, the economy, and, uh, some other things,” said Napolitano. ” We take seriously our responsibility to protect the civil rights and liberties of the righeous American people, including subjecting our activities to rigorous oversight from numerous internal and external sources, including the House Un-American Activities Committee.”

The report also states that DHS “will be working with its state and local partners — yes, right down to the police in your hometown — over the next several months to ascertain with greater specificity the rise in Xian extremist activity in the United States with a particular emphasis on the political, economic, and social factors that drive Xian extremist radicalization.” Napolitano, through a spokesperson, declined to explain what “specificity actions” might be taken.

But depite hand-wringing by hysterical Xians, the recent unclassified DHS report verified itself by citing the case of Timothy McVeigh, an Xian and Gulf War veteran who owned guns and decried abortion. McVeigh was executed in 2001 after being convicted of killing 168 people during the bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City fourteen years ago. DHS sources confirm that McVeigh acted on orders from his shadowy Xian overlords.

“It’s not a coincidence,” said one DHS employee, “that McVeigh was given a martyrdom blessing by an Xian priest.” Martyrdom blessings, known among the Xian faithful as “last rites” certify the recipient’s entry into Heaven. A number of murderers and terrorists have been given this signal honor by the Roman Catholic Church, the world’s largest Xian movement, whose Pope is considered to be an infallible leader. Roman Catholic Church adherents reside in the United States. Yes, right next door to you and your family.

“The willingness of a small percentage of the people’s army to join extremist groups during the 1990s because they were politically uneducated and crazed by fighting in an imperialist war, is being replicated today,” the report reads. “Anyone who is also politically uneducated is at risk for committing acts of violence.”

“[McVeigh] was a vet, that’s where he got his training and so when I was told about the report, it rang true with me, deep in my heart, that all this has happened before and all this will happen again.” Napolitano told FOX News. “That is a far cry, however, from saying veterans somehow are at risk of doing what we know veterans are at risk of doing.”

The assessment is not the first Homeland Security product to examine threats based on anti-American extremism. In January, the department sent law enforcement officials an assessment of cyberterrorism threats from such left-leaning sources as environmental, animal rights and anarchist groups. The report indicated that anyone who dislikes government corporatism is a likely recruit for left-wing violence. It specifically mentioned communists, socialists, and adherents of “distributivism” — a radical Xian economic philosophy that advocates cannibalism. “Anyone who complains about our Great Leader’s economic policies,” the report concluded, “is at risk for recruitment by these groups.”

Martin Neimoller, a policy counsel for the American Civil Liberties Union, said his organization was concerned about law enforcement agencies’ focus on radicalization, regardless of the specific ideology. Neimoller said that the ACLU has no present plans to represent Xian cells accused of terrorist activity. “We’re not going to speak out,” he said, “because we don’t represent hate groups.”

Asked about the report at Wednesday’s White House briefing, press secretary Hobart Bibbs said he has not spoken with President Obama specifically about it.

“Without getting into the report, I think the Maximum Leader works hard every day to make sure that all Americans are safe and secure,” Mr. Bibbs said. “Take that man’s name!”

“And I would say that, as it relates to some aspect of the report, that our Maximum Leader believes those who serve our country represent the very best of it,” Mr. Gibbs said. “Indeed, we plan to rely on them to eventually rid us of the Xian scourge that has for so long blighted the land with phobias.”

Yesterday, I stood outside the Planned Parenthood Clinic on E. Madison praying the Rosary with a couple of hundred other menaces to society. I tried to position myself right in front of the security cam so they could get a good look. Afterwards, a bunch of us went to the headquarters of the Army of Oppression and had a lovely meal and a cheering talk from Fr. Frank Pavone, Captain of Evil. We all felt affirmed in our diabolical anti-Americanism. It was great!

Best part: the reminder that Christ is King over all the earth and Caesar shall, sooner or later, bend the knee like everybody else. How un-American can you get? Fun!